I am a regular lurker and occasional poster on these boards. I left my STBXH just under a year ago, he was controlling and financially abusive towards me with episodes of physical violence and intimidation towards the end of the relationship.
It got to the point that I rarely left the house and his behaviour was escalating to frightening levels including beating up furniture, smashing items and screaming at me and hiding my things then finding them for me in places I’d already looked to convince me I was going mad. I had no life at all other than my responsibilities at home, caring for our 5-year-old child and my ‘pissing about job’ (his words) which I did from home. He isolated me from friends and family and I had no access to money other than what I earned myself. Every activity or social occasion I organised for myself or our family was ruined by his sulking and showing off.
He has always been a heavy drinker and in recent years slipped into (barely) functioning alcoholism. This has got worse since I left him and he has continued his abuse and attempts to control/intimidate me and my family.
He effectively forced DS and I out of our home as he refused to move out, declaring that he’d ‘done nothing wrong’. His violence meant I was too frightened to live with him whilst we separated, so I had no choice but to take DS to stay with a family member (an hour’s drive away) or basically face the threat of homelessness, as I could not afford to rent privately in our home town. We’ve been here ever since.
He is also aware of his rights as a father and has on occasion attempted to bend me to his will by asserting those rights.
For the first few weeks after our separation he had no contact with DS at all because of his behaviour. Once he had calmed down a bit, he had supervised contact which gradually moved on overnights These were paused and restarted several times due to episodes of heavy drinking or attempts to be intimidating towards me in front of DS. He has also been unreliable in terms of contact, cancelling at the last minute, not showing up or being ridiculously late and generally pissing about.
Throughout over separation he was adamant that I should share the driving between our respective homes and initially I did so, as I was afraid that he’d try and claim I was alienating him from our child. Due to his conduct towards me on several occasions in front of our child during handover I refused to continue sharing the driving and said it was his now responsibility and time to step up to make the effort to see his child by collecting him and dropping him off. The cancellations and unreliability have continued, which is upsetting and distressing for DS.
Ex-H has recently been caught drink driving and is facing a driving ban if convicted at court. He is continuing to drive in the meantime (although I don’t know how he has the nerve). He seems to think that it will be my responsibility drop our DS at his house every weekend and collect him each weekend during the course of his driving ban, despite his conduct towards me during handover and his developing alcoholism.
I am completely unsure about what to do here. I know it is important for DS to maintain a relationship with his father – even though I believe he is utterly unfit to co-parent.
What would you do in my shoes? Refuse to do the driving and be accused of parental alienation or suck it up and do it anyway and potentially put yourself at risk of harm?