Self destructing

[paintedpanda]

I've been with my DP for almost a year now and me and my DC (9 and 7) love him to bits and I know he loves us all too. He is not the problem. It's me.
My exH (DCs dad) cheated on me and I caught them in my bed together, 6 years ago. I was suspicious about this affair for ages before I caught them but was made to feel crazy. They're still together now and I have absolutely no feelings for him anymore.
My problem is that I can't see past his cheating and I feel like I'm being self destructive in my new relationship. I know I'm doing it and can't help myself. I've always been one of those people who calls herself fat, ugly, stupid etc so it hurts less when other people do it, so now I find myself telling my DP that he will eventually leave me and find someone better. I hate myself for it but I can't help but speak my insecurities because if he actually does it, I can just tell myself that I already knew he was going to. I don't think he's going to, he's so lovely and I feel that he truly loves me and my children, but I didn't think my exH was going to either and he did.
I don't know how to stop myself doing it, and I don't know how to let myself go completely in this relationship. I feel that I'm putting barriers up and eventually he will get sick of it and leave. I'll justify to myself that I knew he was going to leave and I'll end up in a loop of pushing people away. I feel that even though I didn't cause my marriage breakdown, I'm still the one suffering from it by having no trust in anyone close to me. It seems so unfair for me, but even worse, my new DP who is amazing. How can I stop myself doing this?

Sorry for turning this into a bit of a pity party. It's not meant to be that way.

Hi OP, so sorry to hear you feel like this and obviously is all completely down to your abusive and cheating ex. My only advice would be to seek counselling for yourself as it sounds like you're in desperate need of help to get over how you feel about yourself.

Write down what you've said here, and hand it to him. You have good insight into your own vulnerabilities, and your partner sounds like a good man, so give him a chance to understand.

Tell your DP what's going on and find a good therapist that you gel with and have therapy.

Therapy..

First of - like others said - you need to FH d a therapist to help you work with your thought and insecurities.

Secondly - it’s only been a year. It’s a very very new relationship - so why put so much pressure and hopes of the rest of your life on that? Don’t know when you introduced your kids to him - but it’s over the top for them to ‘love him to bits’, after knowing him for this short time.
It’s a new relationship and it needs to develop and strengthen over time. This is how you can develop confidence. By keeping perspective.
After a year - it’s too soon to plan and worry about the rest I of your life with him. Or decide that somehow you can only be happy if he sticks around.
You were OK before you met him, and if somehow this relationship ends - you and your kids will be OK.
It’s liberating to know that, to be happy in your own skin. And that can help you be happy in any relationship, btw.

Good luck

Thank you for your advice. I will definitely consider talking to someone. I have had counselling in the past for PND and it has helped, I will see if I can remember any of it in the meantime.

I know that I do not need him to be happy. I was doing very well before he came along, he just enhances things. It's nice to have someone to share the ride with that I get along so well with. I just don't want to needlessly push him away with my insecurities, that's all. But I thank you for your input, I will try and put it all into perspective.