Strategies for dealing with my inlaws now that I have a DS

[thisisadiana84]

I'm looking for advice on how to survive visits with difficult in-laws. Sorry it's long.

I've never had a good relationship with my FIL and SMIL. I moved from Canada to the UK to join my BF (now DH) eight years ago. My relationship with PILs was okayish until we got engaged, at which point they got angry because I wasn't buying SMIL (or anyone) a flower for the wedding. She asked if she could buy flowers for her side of the wedding (I said no, that would make my mom upset. Her reply: "Pfttt. One person.") Then she said she'd make sure no one from her side would come and was generally just a drama queen about the whole thing. FIL inexplicably backed her up and said we were being awful to SMIL before stomping out of the house. Their behaviour became so ridiculous that DH told them not to come to the wedding until they apologised to me, which they did via text. But there was a definite grudge for about a year afterwards and they were mopey throughout our entire wedding day.

Since then, I've been determined to be polite but never get close to them, because I don't want to share my innermost feelings with people who think nothing of ruining someone's wedding. Our current relationship, I thought, was OK. They live 30 minutes away and we see them maybe four times a year. We had relatively pleasant catch-ups, never talked about anything too deep. DH isn't close to them so we've been happy with this arrangement.

But the last six months, things have become strained again. Two months before DS was born, SMIL deleted me, my parents, and my brother off FB. Best guess is that it's because I didn't arrange a get-together when my parents visited a few weeks earlier, but I don't know for sure. DH and I decided not to mention it because, quite frankly, we didn't want to deal with another drama over whatever random bullshit she was mad about and couldn't, you know, just TALK to us about.

We asked FIL if he'd like to do childcare one day a week as he's retired, as we thought it would be a win all-around. (Childcare costs for us: relationship between FIL and DS.) He declined, saying it would be too stressful. I was disappointed (and baffled, to be honest -- it's likely to be his only GC), but figured it was his choice and his retirement. But now he's just told us he's going back to work full-time in the new year! I keep telling myself it's his choice, but it's left me with the realisation that he won't ever be there for us in the ways that truly matter, and that just plain sucks. I felt like this was a real opportunity for him to step up and forge a closer family relationship with us (not just DS) by showing he cared about making our life easier, and he decided not to do that.

FIL (and sometimes SMIL) now visit once a week while I'm on maternity leave. I find the frequency of the visits draining: I'd prefer maybe once a month. I find it very uncomfortable to have SMIL being so nice to my face, sitting in my house, when she thought nothing of deleting her DIL off FB or the potential damage that could cause between me & DH and them, and therefore DS . It's my own house, and I just feel so uncomfortable around her now! And FIL just stares lovingly at DS and doesn't really ask how I am or take in the fact that I'm sitting next to him. My mom was having surgery and the week after he didn't ask how it had gone. When SMIL asked me the following week he just stared at DS and clearly wasn't listening. It hammered it home that I really am irrelevant to him, that I was never family or someone who mattered: I'm just the incubator.

And to top it off, he brings up his right-wing views and Brexit frequently (his stepsom has nicknamed him Brigadier Brexit), which I find difficult to listen to as I'm an immigrant and a lot of the policies he supports will hurt me, DH (who works in social care) and DS. He makes jokes about Eastern Europeans despite the fact my grandfather was Ukrainian.

So -- how do I keep the peace and keep my mouth shut? I need some kind of mental strategy because I find their visits increasingly draining and myself becoming increasingly bitter sitting through SMILs faux-politeness.

FIL does love DS and I want them to have a relationship -- I just want to remove myself (and my feelings) as much as possible. How do I do this? FIL isn't a terrible person, just a rather thoughtless and not particularly supportive one to me and DH, so I don't want to ruin the decent relationship we've painstakingly built up.

Just a note on DH's perspective: DH has a decent relationship with his dad but doesn't see him as someone he'd like to get close to. He doesn't get upset by the sudden visit frequency, whereas I'm struggling.

You don't have to host them weekly, just say that you are not available, you won't be in, that time doesn't suit. Don't elaborate. Reduce to maybe once a month. If there is complaint about not seeing the grandson enough, then perhaps that's something that your husband can facilitate, don't accept that it's all on you.

If your FIL is being insensitive or unpleasant re your being an immigrant, point it out, you don't have to suck that up and say nothing. Let him know that if it comes to it and attitudes like his are abroad or the policies he is seeking are implemented, you would have to leave the country along with his son and grandchild.
It's unfair of you to assume that he would have picked up some childcare or picked up the slack in some other ways. Sounds as though you dodged a bullet there anyhow.
Generally, I would advise you to stop trying to please, FILs got the knack of it by the sound of it - he suits himself. Try to learn how to do it yourself.

That's a long OP, and, in truth, I'm not really seeing anything terrible there.

The flower things - can't see what your problem was. It is a "thing" in some families to wear a button hole to weddings. She was even offering to pay for it. I can't see why you think that would have somehow ruined your wedding.

The FB thing - how do you even know ? I have no idea when people have a clear out and delete me. Maybe you just post some of the stuff that annoys them / winds them up. I delete people every now and then - nothing to do with whether I like them or not in real life, and everything to do with how annoying their posts are. I know a lot of people who delete even close relations because they just post really annoying stuff.

The childcare - WHAT??? You are hoping he'll provide free childcare for you, and then think it is their fault when then turn it down

The visits. Erm, yes, babies really are cuter than their parents. That is just fact. Of courser they are there to see the baby. Absolutely 100% normal, and to be encouraged, so they have a loving relationship with your Grandchild and are available for babysitting later. If you find making small talk difficult, then use the time they are there to get something done that is difficult to do when you are just there with the baby. "Oh, I'm glad you are here, can you keep an eye on dc for me while I....." Work up to checking what time they are coming and ask if they mind if you make you dentist appt for them / hair cut / whatever it is easier to do without juggling a baby. Sorted.

The politics - just remind him, each time, that you disagree about politics and you don't want him to talk about it in your house. Not difficult.

As above.
What was the problem with her wanting button holes?
And you are a bit cheeky expecting him to give free childcare.
However get your DH to speak to them about the amount of visits and the timing of them.
I got on very well with my inlaws but that amount of contact would have annoyed me.

Honestly you sound like a pain in the ass and that's with you telling it from YOUR point of view.

I wouldn’t particularly want to sit through that much right wing shite either. Just don’t let them visit so often. It’s your house.

Thanks for your replies. I'll try to reduce to once every two weeks and then once a month. I don't want to go out while he's there, as FIL has recently told me he would leave DH in the next room to scream his head off if he got too annoying when he was a baby. Ideas for what I could busy myself with in the house? Ideas for what to talk about? I don't want to talk about family as he clearly doesn't even care if my mom is alive or not after surgery, and it just upsets me.

Still not sure how to deal with his insensitive comments about Brexit or immigration. I used to point out I was an immigrant and tell him about the £6000 we'd spent on visa fees, and that his comments about Eastern Europeans were really hurtful, but he'd just laugh and keep doing it. I get the impression he likes winding people up. Again, it would be helpful if someone had strategies for what I could say when he kicks off. I'm tempted to tell him that DH and I have decided to move to Canada if the NHS ever becomes privatised, but I think he'd just laugh in my face like I was some silly, stupid woman and wouldn't believe me till we were getting on the plane.

SMIL -- I guess I need some strategies on how to feel like I have power in my own home, and how to deal with her passive aggressiveness. Right now I don't want her in my house if she can't respect me and my family. When I last told her she was being rude (wedding) she kicked off.

I guess most of the issue is about how to feel like I have power in the relationship while protecting my feelings. I'm not good at confrontation, and my go-to solution is to reduce contact with people who are insensitive, but that doesn't work anymore now that DS is here.

Also... childcare. Don't expect it, just disappointed. He clearly doesn't share my idea that family are there to support one another. Wouldn't want it now anyways given his childcare stories about DH.

Flowers... If MIL had come to me and said flowers were important to her so could she buy for everyone, that would have been fine. It was the threats not to come, the offer to buy for JUST her family, and the disappearing act right before wedding speeches (we eventually found them in a bar across the road) that I found objectionable.

Facebook... don't care if people I don't know or talk to delete me, but I'm her DIL she'll need to see for the next 30 years. She suddenly deleted me, my brother and my parents but kept BIL's boyfriend (whom she dislikes), so there's some kind of passive aggressiveness going on.

You sound like as much hard work as them. Just reduce down their visits and don’t see them without your DH.

I think you’re being really unreasonable by expecting free childcare from them and also for trying to imply that you’re doing them a favor or doing a good deed by allowing him to provide you with free childcare. I also find it quite self centred that when your FIL announced he was going back to work your first thought was that now he wouldn’t be around to help you out! Also find it really unreasonable that you expect them to provide your free childcare once every week but you are only willing to allow them to visit you once a month otherwise??? Honestly I think you’re being unreasonable here. Other than about your FILs Brexit views and racism which would piss me off too.

The whole point of this post was to find new coping strategies to deal with people who have been insensitive and unsupportive for my entire marriage now that my previous strategy of reduced contact isn't working. Telling them head on that they're being rude/insensitive has never worked as they just dismiss my feelings/engage in passive aggressive drama.

I want FIL to have a relationship with DS while not feeling uncomfortable around them every week and reminded of how they've never accepted me as family or treated me as a daughter.

This post wasn't for people to comment on whether they think my feelings are valid or not. If anyone has stories of how they kept a good relationship with difficult in-laws, I'd love to hear from you.

Is DH around for these weekly visits? I'd make sure they stuck to weekends only when he is around and then you can busy yourself.

thisisadiana84

re your comment:-
"IL does love DS and I want them to have a relationship -- I just want to remove myself (and my feelings) as much as possible. How do I do this? FIL isn't a terrible person, just a rather thoughtless and not particularly supportive one to me and DH, so I don't want to ruin the decent relationship we've painstakingly built up".

What you want; for your son to have a relationship with his grandparents whilst you withdraw from them is not possible. You need to protect your child from such malign influences like these people.

Why do you want them to have a relationship with your son, your most precious resource here?. Whats the reasoning behind this here?.

Do not let societal convention fool you here, some people and that includes relatives are too toxic/abusive/batshit mad to be at all around anyone let alone your child. Do you want your son to continue to be influenced by such people whilst you and his dad remain disrespected as his parents?. What message does that send your son?. That we should put up and shut up regardless of how unhappy we are because they are family?.

They love DS but not in the ways you think anyway. They want to use him to steal his very heart and mind and use him also to get back at you guys further.

Please do not minimise or otherwise underplay your FILs behaviour to date here by merely calling him thoughtless and unsupportive. He was stating his own truth too when he was making such comments about foreigners.

There has been no relationship here, let alone one that you think you have painstakingly built up. The writing was on the wall here long before now and it really did kick off when you got engaged. Its all been one sided with you doing the donkey work to feel wanted by them and feeling obligated to do so. Not all relatives are nice and this lot of your DH's are abusive to boot. There are no foolproof ways of managing such people and the "grey rock" technique that may be suggested to you is exhausting to maintain in its own right.

They want to control and otherwise manipulate your son just like your DH is still being controlled by them. Your DH has no voice at all does he?. Its not your fault these people are like this and you did not make them that way.

Do you want your son to continue to be influenced by such people whilst you and his dad remain disrespected as his parents?. What message does that send your son?. That we should put up and shut up regardless of how unhappy we are?.

Would you have tolerated any of this too from a friend, I guess not. His family are no different.

Your FIL is as much a part of this dysfunction as anyone like his wife or your SIL here. He is a weak man and racist bystander who has and will continue to throw you under the bus at any and all opportunity.

Reduce all contact levels with them now to a point of zero. It is not possible to have a relationship with people this disordered of thinking.
Such people too never apologise nor do they accept any responsibility for their actions.

Thank you both for your responses.

I suppose I want DS to have that relationship as both our families are small, and mine lives abroad. It's unlikely DS will have cousins or siblings (fertility issues), and any family he has after DH and I die will be one he makes.

And yes, I would have cut contact if he were a friend. But he's not my friend, and my DH and DS are impacted by my relationship with him, so I do need to think about them. I have a good group of friends because I don't waste time on the people who treat me like crap. But it's harder with family, especially family that isn't yours.

It's strange you mentioned the idea learning to 'put up and shut up'. My grandfather was verbally abusive towards me, and my parents never had the balls to tell him to put a lid on it because him being my grandfather gave him a free pass for some reason. I'll have a think about what I wish my parents had done. I think just addressing him in the moment and then asking him to leave if he kept going would have meant a lot to me. No discussion. Just... "you're still being rude and you need to leave now. We'll see you next time." I guess I just really struggle with confrontation because my solution is always to just avoid rude or controlling people. Thanks, don't know why I haven't made that connection before now.

I think you're right about the relationship not really existing. I thought we did have a decent one, but his visits to see DS while being clearly bored by the conversations I try to get going or forgetting my mom's had surgery have made me think otherwise. The FB shit makes me doubt every word coming out of SMIL's mouth.

There was a suggestion about not seeing FIL unless DH is there. I think that's a good start he can work to the schedule I set and that will make me feel like I'm the one in control. I'll also stay out until the time we agree to meet him and put an ending time on everything too he has a habit of showing up thirty minutes early without asking if it's okay, and I find it annoying. The idea of him ringing the bell and me not being in will hopefully make him realise I set the access to the DS and he needs to consider me and my life.

Why do you want your son to have a relationship with them?

Why are you willing allow FIL/MIL to treat you this way in front of Ds? He will eventually copy or be damaged by hearing people treat you this way. You risk creating a doormat or a bully who copies FIL

It is worrying that you put yourself in the firing line like this because you are scared of them kicking off. At most, people would get their h to manage the grandfather relationship by having them go to FIL house (bonus is you can leave) and ducking out some of the visits.

Personally I can't believe that your h allows racist immigrant shit to be said in your presence. Having different views is one thing but it's goady to say it in person.

I think that the more you fall over yourself trying to get them to like you, the more that they will take the piss. You need to act like a role model and set some boundaries

Sorry, OP, but you sound very difficult to get on with. Maybe FIL feels the same way.

This post wasn't for people to comment on whether they think my feelings are valid or not. If anyone has stories of how they kept a good relationship with difficult in-laws, I'd love to hear from you.

Even when you start a thread you can't dictate the responses to you.

I'm not seeing that they're any more difficult than you are tbh. And your attitude to FiL providing (or not) childcare, frankly stinks.

Given your further posts, I would be tempted if I were you to just stop facilitating almost all contact. You don't like them and you are only doing it out of some sense that your child needs to know his family. He doesn't particularly if it is true that they aren't very nice. Like you say, grab a bit of control and let contact be on your terms. Sounds like your DH is lukewarm about them anyway. As time goes on your FIL and MIL will grate on your more and you might eventually realise they are not the influence you want on your child's life. I say restrict seeing them to high days and holidays only - family weddings, big birthday parties etc. And avoid them as much as you can at these gatherings. You can always adjust if they make more of an effort and learn to be polite - stop banging on about politics, respect how you wish to raise your child rather than leave them to cry, turn up on time instead of early to wind you up etc.

It would be interesting to hear other sides of this story.

Whenever someone starts a thread (or starts to have a moan about anything in real life) - it is human nature to make yourself sound like the nice person and put all the bad qualities on the person you are moaning about, but even though you started the thread you are not coming across as a very nice person yourself OP.

What does your dh think about all this ? About you dictating whether his ds can have a relaxed relationship with his Dad ?

*Even when you start a thread you can't dictate the responses to you.

I'm not seeing that they're any more difficult than you are tbh. And your attitude to FiL providing (or not) childcare, frankly stinks.*

I'm not sure why anyone would see a thread that asks for advice or similar experiences and then decide the best response is to tell the poster they sound difficult. It helps no one.

If you want point out how things I'm saying or doing might come across in a way I don't intend, I'm all ears. I fail to see how I've been difficult with PILs, but am open to hearing why people think that.

I'm also sorry that some posters don't understand that feelings ("I wish I had family who could help me with childcare, that's the kind of support I'd give DS and it would make me feel like I had family") don't always have to match what you know ("it's FIL's right to play golf every day if that's what he wants to do"), and that the important thing is how you respond (which was "That's fine FIL, no worries").

Thank you to the posters that have given suggestions. I've thought about this a lot the last couple of days and reading my posts back realise a lot of my issues stem from not feeling support from an extended family -- so I'm going to redouble my efforts with DH's grandma, sister, aunt and uncle. They live further away, but I've always felt like they see me as family when I'm with them.

Backforgood -- I suppose I don't try to whitewash my feelings because my goal isn't to get posters on my side... it's to be honest about how I feel so I can get advice on how to manage those feelings around insensitive people. Feelings are feelings, you can't just advice them away. I don't care whether posters think I'm a nice person or not... they couldn't know whether I'm nice or not based on a post, so their opinion is irrelevant. Again, I'm looking for stories and ways of looking at my situation to get me thinking and come up with a strategy.

My DH has a similar view of his dad to me. He just says his feelings don't get hurt anymore because he doesn't expect anything from his dad.

BIL doesn't talk to FIL as far as I know -- he's gay, and I get the sense there were issues around it. SMIL hates his partner (who isn't my kind of person, but seems OK enough), but they only see ILs once a year.

SIL finds FIL's views gross and but seems to take DH's approach. They hated her ex-partner too. I actually quite liked him, but was never close enough to ask how he felt about in-laws.

Given how shit they are to you, I have no idea why you’d want these people to have a relationship with your ds? Stop facilitating their visits, as you say, be there at appointed times, tell them to leave when you want and reduce the frequency of their visits.

If smil can’t take plain talking, tough shit, about time she learnt. If she annoys you, bloody well, tell her it’s not acceptable. The second your fil comes out with racist bollocks, tell him (not ask!) to leave.

I don’t think you sound difficult, OP, you sound fed up of their shitty behaviour.

Just leave it between your DH and his dad to arrange meet ups between them and your DS.
It's not up to you to facilitate this relationship especially when they have not been very nice to you.

OP the person who said you sound difficult probably said that because you are being a martyr about things.

Listen to what your h says about his side of the family. Instead of these weekly visits endurance tests take control. It sounds like they'd be fine seeing you casually at Xmas, birthdays and special occasions etc but don't want to get stuck in and be really involved and you need to let go of the romantic notion that crap grandparents who see him regularly are better than distant grandparents. Don't forget that your son is half Canadian and could feel like he's in the firing line when FIL is being anti-foreigner

What an odd set up. It sounds like your SMIL is v overbearing and dominating your space.

I would never host my ILs if my DH wasn’t here. Once a month max (but just birthdays ideally) visit with your DH taking your child to them without you.

As others have said why try to build a RS with these people who’s values you despise?

How do these weekly visits get arranged? I would say you've now started going to a new activity on Mondays (or whatever) so you'll let DH arrange with them about meeting up. Then leave it all to him, it's his family. Your son will have the family he makes for himself regardless. Don't romanticise the notion of blood relationships.

Dealing with him - a few possible options, imo:
A) blank all the racist / Brexit stuff entirely. Say nothing in response at all. When he stops talking, just move to an entirely different subject.
B) find a bland response 'oh, really?' 'Is that so?' Repeat this broken record style to everything.
C) state with a calm smile (this is essential) 'That's really offensive'. You have to remain calm and cheerful, though, because with all these the point is to avoid him being able to get a reaction.