Were we snubbed?

[rottiemum88]

DH and I have a good relationship with both of our families. We had DS this year (he's now 11 months) and thanks to adjusting to life as new parents and various other factors (including my stepdad, who I was incredibly close to, passing away in the summer after a long and painful illness which we supported my mum through), we haven't seen quite as much of wider family as we might normally.

There's been no falling out... yet we've just been to FILs for our Christmas meal today and it seems that DHs aunt/uncle and cousins haven't sent us any presents this year. In fairness, they did each buy a single present for DS which is lovely and we are grateful, but it somehow feels like this was done as even more of a snub, because it made it all the more obvious that they'd chosen not to buy for us 🤷🏼‍♀️

I do understand that in some families once children come along people stop buying for the adults, but there were presents around the tree for FIL and DH's brother and sister (and lots of them too, these are people who are normally incredibly generous and OTT with gifts because they love the experience of giving), but there wasn't even a card for us. We did buy gifts for all of them as normal and have still left them with FIL to pass on, as we now feel a bit awkward about going to see them directly.

I don't know what I'm asking really, but I suppose I just feel a bit deflated and like this has put a dampener on Christmas. We know this year hasn't been perfect and would have liked to rectify it next year by actively trying to see more of people etc, but now it feels a bit strange. Am I making too much of this in my mind though? Should we forget it and carry on as normal? Or say something along the lines of us being slightly upset by it so we get closure on the issue and move on?

Any advice welcome!

How odd. I can’t imagine decent people being peevish because you were attending to a dying relative and supporting his wife, your mum. What did FiL say?

Two options for me. Either phone round and ask why you have been treated that way or ignore them in future and move on.

I think you first need to tactfully find out what is behind the lack of gifts if you can. Do the other people who received gifts have children of their own? If not your aunt and uncle may not be buying for you because they have decided to just buy your child. If the others don't have children yet the aunt and uncle would continue buying for those adults iyswim. It can come as a shock the first time this happens but it makes sense for some because it gets expensive when families get bigger.
Or ...with everything you have had to deal with have you managed to visit your aunt and uncle to introduce your baby? Totally understandable if this hasn't been possible. I have been in your situation and you can't do everything but its possible they are a bit peeved if you haven't introduced baby yet.

I'm guessing its more likely to be first case scenario. Either way I wouldn't give it too much head space op. Things will resolve themselves this year when you have more time. If your aunt and uncle are getting on a bit they probably have no concept of how busy you've been with your loss, supporting your mother and a new baby. Sorry for your loss op and hope you have a better 2020

Don't waste energy thinking about it. That's easier said than done and I'm struggling with the 'snubbed' feeling too after mil and some of ex dh (split 14 months ago) family decided my teens and me DONT exist anymore. But it really isn't worth wasting energy over. I sent them presents and I'm happy I did. Will keep everything civil.
Send a Thankyou gift for the present and a note saying how you would love to go for a meal or something as presence is more important this time of year. Then the ball is in their court.

We never buy for adults in our family, only the children.once we had children our relatives only bought gifts for them which I don't have a problem with

Since my best friend and her husband became parents, I no longer buy them presents.

It is due to cost. I spent what I previously spent on gifts for each of them on their child.

Dont worry about it, my children and I received nothing off my father, neither have I sent him anything either, as I had a feeling this would happen. They may not have the money, there could be any amount of reasons for it.

Do your DH’s brother and sister have kids ? If not then obviously the wider family have decided to buy your child a present rather than gifts for yourself and your DH which us fair enough because there has to be some control over the amount of people you buy for.

It’s nothing to do with not seeing much of them.

Totally normal to just buy for children once they've arrived

Thank you for all your responses. To answer a few questions...

We didn't say anything at the time to FIL because we didn't want to spoil the mood on DSs first Christmas.

DHs brother and sister are a similar age (early 30s) but neither has children yet, so it is possible that's why they still received gifts and we didn't, but it'd have been nice to know in advance if that was the plan so we knew what to expect maybe?

DHs aunt and uncle in particular are very social, church-going people who spend all year thinking about and prepping for Christmas, including buying for every friend, family member and acquaintance they know, which is why it seems so strange that we received nothing. They aren't rich but nor are they poor so I don't think money is a factor either, but equally, every time I've met them in the 6 years DH and I have been together they've been nothing but lovely and I just can't reconcile the two things in my mind IYSWIM? We haven't seen a lot of them this year but at least 5 or 6 times with DS, which is as much as we could manage between my step dad's illness, me going back to work full time when DS was 8 months and him coming down with pneumonia a month later (they're aware of all these events, either from us telling them or via FIL)

I'm really not one to hold a grudge and I'll try hard not to give it any more headspace, but I am still hurt and I'll probably ask DH if he feels comfortable mentioning it to FIL next time we seem him, just to see if he has any more of an idea why it's happened.

Thanks all

So, it’s probably because you’ve had a DC - they gave you something for the baby - and the relatives receiving gifts haven’t.

Really, there’s nothing to feel hurt by or any reason to mention this to anyone. You’ll only look grabby if you do.

This family have decided to buy for your baby now. Think about it logically, as families extend, there has to be some scaling back. Next thing your BIL’s will have partners and children.

In most families, cousins do not exchange gifts and lost stop buying for nieces nephews once they reach 18/21/start working.

Right. It’s the baby thing. Very clear. Happened in my spouse’s family too. We were the newest couple of his siblings - older siblings already had DC and didn’t do gifts for each other. They bought us gifts and us them for 3 years till DS came along and then now everyone buys kids gifts. It was instantaneous and unwritten and all cool. I didn’t even bat an eyelid when at 8 week old DS first Christmas DH and I suddenly didn’t get gifts but DS did. It’s only now reading your post it’s even struck me. Totally standard.

@DillyDilly I do understand what you're saying and I know a lot of cousins don't buy for each other, for example. The only thing I can say though is that these cousins always have/did... and all of a sudden they haven't. I'm happy to accept that most of you are correct that it's because they're now buying for DS instead and that's fine. I'm not grabby and neither is DH, it's honestly not about the presents. I guess it's hard to get across without knowing them, but I've been there when DHs aunt was giving out presents to all the neighbours on their street, or inviting them in for a drink and sending them away with shortbread or chocolate or a bottle of wine because she couldn't see them leave with nothing. This just seems out of character for these particular people...

I agree that uncles/aunts buying for grown nieces/nephews is unusual in my experience (unless a gift for their new baby) and even if it is done in your DH's family, you becoming parents would seem like a natural stopping point. Otherwise in 10 years time they could still have their three adult nieces/nephews to buy for plus spouses plus ALL of your children too. That's a lot of expense for non-immediate family

Honestly, you’re totally over thinking it. If they didn’t give a present to anyone in your family, you might have reason to be upset. BUT your baby got a present, you were not snubbed.

The aunt/cousins always gave yourself and yourself, you now have a baby and they’ve obviously decided to give to your child only. Maybe they can see down the line more kids -yours and your DH’s siblings kids and are thinking, ok have to curtail this.

If they had given a gift to yourself and your DH but not your baby, you’d probably feel they had snubbed her.

A line has drawn somewhere about the number of gifts to be bought.

If these cousins have children, would you be happy to be buying for them and their kids, bearing in mind your DH’s siblings might have partners and children also at that stage, along with gifts for teachers, secret Santa’s, maybe kids close friends, friends with children and on and on - where would it all end.

@DillyDilly I get it and based on the responses here, I'll just let it go. But to answer the question, yes one of the cousins has children. We buy for them too and always have done. I don't believe DHs brother and sister buy for everyone individually but we always have, so it was reciprocated both ways until this year.

DHs dad was the youngest of his family with quite a big age gap between him and his sister, so he's the baby of their family and DH and his brother/sister are the youngest of the cousins by some way too as a result. The family dynamics haven't changed for a number of years until DS was born and aren't likely to again anytime soon. So I guess from my point of view, I just don't see why either an extra box of chocolates (or just a card?!) would have hurt to buy, or even to let us know that the system had changed now that we had DS.

Ultimately I'll hold my hands up and admit I'm not very good at any of this. I'm an only child and both of my parents were estranged from their families when I was growing up, so no cousins to speak of either. DHs family have always been so lovely and welcoming to me and treated me as one of their own from day one, so all I can say is (without understanding that this is just something people do), it felt like I/we'd done something wrong