Women are from venus, men from Mars

[Jackit2013]

Hello.

Recently separated from 5 year marriage, 14 years together. Her decision, not mine. Classic case of kids, work, modern life and drifting apart. I (or did) married for life. We have 2 great kids.

Since we separated my wife is so cold to me, like our 14 years together meant nothing. I don't understand how a person can be so cold to another after they have been so close for so long. I don't get it.

I have seen mates ex's do the same. Is this a female thing to be so cold?

I'm not great at handling a break up, maybe women are better equipped to deal. Maybe it's a coping mechanism, by keeping cold it pushes me out.

I think the usual complaint is that men are like that to be honest OP, not women.

Either way i'm not sure why people feel the need to make it about gendered nonsense. If someone doesn't want to be with you and isnt interested in you, then unfortunately that is how they often behave regardless of their sex. Perhaps she was over it some time before she ended it so is just happy to be out. If my DP started banging on about cruel cold women and their awful ways then I'd be out the door as well tbh. Misogyny would be very easy to walk away from without too much regret, I must say.

She's ended it, she doesn't need to be anything other than distant with you as she's not your partner anymore and doesn't wish to be. Would you genuinely feel better if she were crying? Would that make you feel better- if so why?

Breakups are hard OP and I'm sorry for it (truly) but she doesnt owe you anything because she used to be in love with you. She is doing what is appropriate for a breakup. Maybe in time when the dust settles she might be more civil but other than dealing with your lovely DC, she doesn't have to be your friend or pander to whatever performance of despair you'd prefer so you can validate that you mean something to her.

@dont thanks. You are rite, its not a gender thing and a result of a breakup. I'm still pretty raw about it all. If she was crying infront of me it would break my heart more.

I'm guilty of thinking our marriage was u breakable.

My view on marriage, and relationships have changed. I've been burned

Jackie, can I ask what happened? It sounds like she feels resentful. And being cold us form of self protection. I don't mean to imply anything, but I went stone cold with my ex as felt incredibly abused ( not suggesting you have been) and was only way for me to move forward

Jackit

Yeah, it's not gendered. I ended my marriage and was visibly emotional about it towards my ex. He was emotional too for a bit. Then after 3 months or so he went ice cold. I stayed emotional and over time learned to control those emotions. Our relationship is now distant and polite.

In retrospect I think he thought that my emotions were a sign I would come back to the marriage in time. When his patience ran out, i think he became angry and went cold.

Everyone is different... some will say that you should always go as cold as possible at the end of a relationship in order to get distance from the ex and heal as quickly as possible. I personally am not really able to do that but other are.

I hate gendered stuff but I think you have a point Jackit.
I think that all our lives, we women are told we are too emotional. That we have to be careful not to make decisions based on our emotions but carefully and logically. The other side of this coin is that women who are emotional are not taken seriously. They’re told, calm down. Let’s not be hasty and make a decision when you’re in this state. There, there, pat on the head, have a cup of tea and then you’ll see things differently and say something different.
So, we are socialised that to be taken seriously, to have our decision or wishes actually listened to, we must be cold and logical. We must be efficient and business like. We cannot crack and let any emotion through.
I think in divorce, that same socialisation means that we feel we cannot be emotional when interacting with an ex. We put on armour and resolve to be icy so the ex knows we are serious and firm.

So it’s not a female, sex type thing, but a result of being socialised as a girl and woman as to how we have to act to be taken seriously.

Reading between your lines, you took the marriage for granted and left her by herself to raise the children and keep home alone.

I wonder if she's really suddenly gone "cold" or she gave up long ago and only now are you really looking at her face. Really looking.

You need to find acceptance and let her go. It's too late and she's moving on.

That Mars/Venus thing is a load of sexist nonsense, putting people into nest little gendered boxes.

She hasn't 'gone cold', she's had enough. She no longer has to pander to you. Get used to it.

I'm sorry you have broken up. In my experience a lot of break ups could have been seen coming a mile off. I have been telling my husband what needs to change for years and he doesn't listen. I feel pretty cold towards him now. Did you listen or was it really out of the blue?

Let's not judge eh? We have no idea what happened. But agree the Mars Venus thing is inflammatory. And if you want to understand her reaction, have a different starting point. One that is about your ex, the individual.

It's not a gender thing. My DH left me 7 weeks ago and had been a snowman ever since!

Apologies for any offense with the venus/mars thing. Please don't judge me on the facts you don't know.

I would like to say what happened but there is hostility towards me on here, I'm already pretty fragile as it is.

Sorry you feel that. You might get some insights, though. Have been on receiving end of hostile thread too. But did get some clarity. You've apologised. Probably you werent thinking. So in my book, think people should now give you a break.

Picsinred- Christ that’s a big assumption from what he has written.

I think if she ended the marriage it's because she felt some genuine animosity to you possibly about the way you behaved in the marriage. Some people are remarkably unaware of how badly they treat another person. More take for granted, neglect, selfishness type of behaviour than out and out abuse. By the time you've put up with that for years and gone though the pain of isolation and rejection, and you finally leave the other person, you pretty much hate them

Yet when a man leaves a woman he is a twat and she gets total sympathy.

When an ex spouse behaves that way especially when children are involved,it can show immaturity and resentment(ofc if no cheating).
Some people prefer to "erase" everything after divorce because it's easier for them to cope with this new chapter in their life.
Personally I have a huge respect for people that have decency and proper behaviour after a breakup/divorce(it shows how highly intelligent they are to put all their bad feelings aside).
But if we talk about people that cheated and broke up in the end(no wonder ),those parasites deserve all the ignorance possible, I have no sympathy for them whatsoever.

If it was your wife's decision to end the marriage, the chances are that it wasn't a spur of the moment decision. She probably checked out of the relationship months, possibly even years ago and has been just going through the motions until she decided that she would rather be single than stay in a relationship which can't have been making her happy.

You obviously weren't aware of her feelings until she told you that the relationship was over. Therefore it is only reasonable that you feel more emotional than she does because you haven't had a long time to adjust to the thought of the marriage failing like she has. I assume that you also still have feelings for her and would have liked to have stayed married so of course you are going to have a whole range of emotions. She on the other hand probably feels numb and detached having spent time in the relationship for a long time after she should have left.

Sorry if that sounds blunt. As others have said, it's not a gender thing at all. More a case of who has decided that they are detached enough to want to walk away from the marriage which is always going to come across as cold to a very hurt spouse.

MalusDacus. Bit ridiculous to say its 'immature' to be anything other than civil after a break up, unless someone has 'cheated'. I guess that must make me both immature and stupid. Shame on me for not having the 'intelligence' to 'erase' my distress when my life and those of my kids have been blown to shreds through the crappy selfish irresponsible behaviour if my alcoholic manchild ex. It would have screwed no end with my kids heads if i had anything other than bare essential contact. Kids aren't stupid and they can handle things if you are honest and dont try and make them take sides. They fully understand that they have a separate loving relationship with their dad, which is separate from my almost non existent relationship with him. And they're doing fine.

In your other thread you said she's been talking to some guy from the gym - that's why she's gone cold. You need to try and do the same.

I stayed cold because every time I'd show any kind of warmth to him, my ex-husband would take it to mean we were getting back together.

It is kinder in the long run to make it very clear it is done.

We are now friendly, because it is safe after all these years and his re-marriage. If you accept civility only for now, there may well be a friendship to salvage that does take into account all those years together.

Wot, he should talk to some guy from the gym or he should go to the gym so he talks to her there, too?

I'm definitely a female from Mars. MNers baffle me!

Nooo, he should go cold on her because she's been carrying on with some fella from the gym!