Narc ex - merry Christmas

[Curlysue2019]

Sent a merry Christmas message to my narcissistic ex via what's app only to discover I'm blocked - it's been a year since we were in contact - I thought I would be the bigger person - he was verbally abusive - I was right to leave so why am I irked that he did this? - I feel so stupid!- ffs what is wrong with me?

Did he block you after you sent the message? Either way, it's been a year so definitely time to move on.

I’m sorry but I don’t understand, why would you contact somebody who has been abusive to you after a year of no contact, it doesn’t matter whether it’s Christmas or not. Stay away from toxic people, they bring nothing positive to your life!

Take this as a lesson OP! F*k him and f*k his Christmas (and his new year too) Never contact him again!

Don't try to play one upmanship with abusive narcs, you can't be the bigger person as long as you continue to engage.
You are lucky he has disengaged from you and moved on.

No the message never delivered - blocked before that. I messaged him because I was thinking of him and heard he was having a rough time. I wanted to prove to myself that I could be a better person. I also wanted to release any toxicity -

for the posters asking why someone would try to be in touch with an abusive person - I think there are a thousand threads with women returning to abusive exs - if there was one answer to prevent it that would be great - unfortunately treatment isn't

I’m sorry if I sounded harsh op, I do personally know all the emotions you feel when you have been in an emotional abusive relationship, I’m long out of the other side now, I’m still angry with myself now and again for staying with him so long and wasting years of my younger life.
Don’t be me, do all you can to get this man out of your head so you can emotionally move on.
One day he will simply be an unpleasant memory and he won’t even cross your mind at Christmas, New Year or birthdays.
You will get there, messaging him has taken you two steps back so you’ve got to take three forward.

ella thanks for your reply. I actually thought wishing him merry christmas was me moving on - letting go of the bitterness and negativity. I've learned today that I will have to mentally let go of the toxicity without any contact from him. It's just hard. I will have to get closure from myself as I'll never get it from him.

The best way of moving on is to not give him any headspace at all.

I recently received a nasty message from a narc sibling that I have been NC with for most of my adult life, and have heard nothing from in the last 4 years. After the initial shock, I realized that he really has no power over me as I actually didn't give a shit, even about his atrocious spelling. I don't even wish anything negative (I did, for years). Absolutely no feelings there at all.

It's liberating.

Please delete his details.

You will know when you have completely moved on when he doesn’t even enter your mind on special occasions. It will come I promise.
There’s no point trying to be the bigger person with these types, they don’t think the same as normal folk.
If he had received your message he would likely have taken great pleasure in the fact that you were thinking about him. You don’t want that to happen.
Time is the only healer, in the meanwhile keep your brain busy, it helps.

I agree - how do you stop giving them headspace though - I need to do this I know it's just mechanisms for doing it is my problem. I do so well and then it creeps up on me like this time.

It's just time and trying to live your best life.

Cliche, but...

Success is the best revenge, and time is the best healer.

Honestly you can’t force it to happen, it will happen naturally and for me it happened overnight, it was like the fog cleared and I saw him for what he really was, a truly nasty human being.

I cried buckets for months over him, really sobbed, suffered insomnia, blamed myself for his abuse, blamed myself for not being good enough.
After the tears dried up I got angry, really angry at him and myself, that faded and now I’m mostly indifferent. A bit of self help goes a long way as does talking to anyone who will listen, be completely honest and open up if you are really struggling, do whatever makes you smile. Treat yourself in small ways everyday. Write a list of all the vile things he has done, when you are wobbling look at the list.
If you are angry exercise, it really helps. The bitterness will fade too.

Although it doesn’t seem like it you will meet somebody else and fall in love and in turn be loved and respected which is what you deserve.
I don’t know how these men get into our heads and create such confusion and misery. They are so manipulative.

I haven't cried since I left him - not even when I found out he was seeing someone else 4 weeks after we finished. I just can't for some reason. Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply - it means so much!

Narcissists are addictive and change the brain chemistry due to intermittent reinforcement and trauma bonding.
So your brain is detoxing from him and you have just given yourself another hit by contacting him.
So now you have to start detoxing.

Go NC with him.
Delete him from your phone and social media.

When you think of him or want to contact him look at videos on YouTube by:
Inner integration
Surviving narcissism
Dr Ramani Durvasula
Sarah Speaks
Richard Grannon

They don’t change and you don’t want to go back to the abuse.

Stay strong and keep detoxing him out of your life!

😉 Good luck

I'm feeling a little bit better about it today! - for him - he isn't worth it!

Glad you are feeling better today, it was a minor slip up.

Just carry on detoxing him out of your life and mind!

I think if I could cry I'd feel so much better - cathartic -rid myself of it all. I just can't. Hopefully that will come. My gran used to say crying was healing

You have to let go. Texting him is not letting go, it's a way of reminding him you exist.

Whatever he was and did is irrelevant now. It's up to you to keep yourself safe by not engaging with him. Especially if he is a narcissist.

I’m pleased your feeling better today, this time of year stirs up memories and emotions. Keep going and stay strong.

wind I've done my best to let go - it's the first time in a year I have contacted him in any way. It's Christmas and a particularly difficult time of year for me. I feel myself stronger now though - I know if he did contact me now I wouldn't respond

Thanks everyone for your help.