Celibate marriage, sex outside

[Rockandahardplaice]

I’m early forties, married 15 years, three children.

My wife no longer wants a sexually intimate relationship with me. Or if she does, it would be entirely on her terms perhaps once or twice per year (no guarantees). We’ve tried to resolve this (therapy, hormones, everything), but to no avail. We’ve both pretty much accepted this won’t change.

Neither of us wants to separate (in part due to the children, but there is a lot of love and closeness to preserve too).

Ideally, I think she would like me to embrace a largely celibate life with her. I’ve tried this for a long time, but am at the end of my tether.

Ideally I’d like us to have a sex life again, but failing that would prefer to see someone else on the side. I’d want to see just one person, quite regularly, and due to my own attitudes to sex and intimacy would want to be “friends” with that person.

My wife accepts that imposing celibacy on me is unreasonable, but considers that I should be able to have my needs met with escorts, or random encounters. I hate the idea of that, since I need some emotional connection for sex. She feels my plan could result in me falling in love with the other person, which I would acknowledge is a risk.

Has anyone navigated this particular minefield successfully and have any advice?

This can’t be easy, I am sorry.
But at least your W is being fair and not demanding you just deal with it, like some seem to.

She is right to worry about the potential emotional connection, but I don’t see that there is another way to go. Relaying on escorts and chance encounters - isn’t really the same as having a fulfilling sexual relationship.
Your best bet is really to fine someone in a similar situation, or someone from poly community. Easier said than done, but not impossible, will just take time.
You’d probably have to look in a variety of places - tinder, married dating sites, swingers sites, killing kittens.
Then you’ll have to think of logistics and ground rules - which would get complicated - as you can’t really bring ‘dates’ home.

Good luck!

I also think your wife is right to be concerned. If you connect with just one person, to a point of being able to have sex with them, other emotions will follow.

To me it sounds as though your marriage is over. I wouldn’t be happy with sex once or twice a year ‘maybe’ and nor would I be happy knowing my husband was out getting his ‘needs met’ again. How sad. The children are not daft and they will know that the relationship between mum and dad is not happy. Or perhaps worse they will grow to think this is perfectly normal.

I know it’s not what you want, but I’d be more inclined to have as amicable split and get mum and dad and the kids settled. Then you are free to look for love, without causing anyone (including an ow) pain.

Hi DBML, thanks.

I do slightly worry about role modelling for the kids (on those few occasions my wife and I might kiss on the lips my youngest will enthusiastically exclaim “mummy and daddy love each other!”, whereas I’d rather she took it for granted), but our relationship is very cuddly (handholding, hugs etc), and very low conflict (we rarely argue). Within a “family” conflict our interactions are fun and high energy, it’s just after the kids have gone to bed that an atmosphere of sadness descends (on my part, anyway).

So I’m not at all sure that the kids would be better off emotionally if we were to separate.

More than that though, given the choice between separation and celibacy I would probably choose the latter. It’s just that it feels like I shouldn’t have to make that choice, and that there should be a “third way”.

Edit: “family context” not “conflict”!

Rock and a hard place is right, there is no mutually acceptable compromise in a situation like this where you have incompatible needs and wishes
perhaps society changes in the future such that arrangements for sexual fulfilment outside of a bond designed for the purpose of raising children are commonplace, perhaps then it could work?

@DMBL - I think you are coming from a place where one needs to be emotionally attached, or in love to have sex. And it’s not like that for all people.
Many people find it possible to have sex without strong emotions. Friendly connection is often enough. And that doesn’t have to threaten OP’s primary relationship.
But of course one needs to be careful.
And that’s why it helps, if possible, to pick people who are not single and looking for a proper relationship.

As to your kids OP - I think given that you say you are cuddly and warm with each other - they are OK. Kids rarely question what’s around them, they take it as is. And if you and your W are friendly and happy together - the kids would feel it and feel secure. And obviously - your ‘other’ life will be well hidden.

So she gets to dictate your celibacy or/and with whom you have sex!!?

I think you need to re-examine the character of the person you're married too and take it from there!!