Advice... Is it me??

[Claire777777]

Hi, I'm new to all this but thought I would give it a go.

My husband and I have been together for 22 years, married for 16. We tried ivf over a spell of 9 years as we both couldn't have out own children. With 4 attempts, 3 failures and 1 miscarriage we gave up ivf and went for adoption.

We finally had our little family by adopting 2 little girls who are amazing. The have both attached to both of us but mainly me. The girls haven't had a father figure before so it's been hard for them and my husband. 2.5 years on they've cracked it and adore my husband.

My husband has ocd and is on medication for it to help calm him down, however he has become quite nasty when he doesn't get his own way which makes me retaliate.

He keeps bringing up how we went through ivf because I couldn't have children, he wants sex with me and regularly says if I don't start performing soon and coming to him he will leave me and find someone else. He doesn't want a sexless marriage. He's also said I'm lucky he hasn't strayed and had an affair as hes been close to doing that. He's confessed to going on dating sites to' see what's out there' but never done anything about it.

My family has fallen on hard times in the past of which he keeps bringing up. They lost there house and now rents. He keeps saying they didn't listen which is why they lost everything and I'm going the same way. He keeps calling them useless cause there not particularly fond of him. He says he couldn't give a stuff about them and wishes he sees them again.

I have an on off relationship with my family and he also brings that up and says they don't care about me and no body does. He is close to his family and has told them he is unhappy. So now there not particularly chatty with me. He brings that into the conversation too and says I have no one except him and he is getting fed up with me.

This Xmas has to be the worst yet. I have done everything from playing with the kids, setting up toys, playing with them, doing a Xmas meal, and all he's done is go upstairs because he's tired. He's tired because "he has a more demanding job than me and is on more money etc etc"

I too have a full time job, I would for the NHS which can be demanding, I take the girls to school 3 days a week and pick them up 5 days a week, I come home, make tea, do homework, do all the shopping etc. He gripes that he has to take them to school 2 days a week which makes him late for work and I need to do more...

He states that when he was younger his mum did everything, so he is lucky he does some housework cause not all husband should do that.

When I'm kn the phone to my mum or a friend he kicks off and regularly says what about you and I. He doesn't have many friends cause he puts us first and I shouldn't be kn the phone when looking after the children too and says I'm not putting him or the girls first.

He now states I should go to the Dr and get my low self esteem looked at and get some medication. However I don't feel I should or need to. When I'm at work I feel free, happy and back to my old self. Nobody at works knows what's going kn behind the scene. I enjoy my job too.
So I don't feel like I need to go to the Dr's.

I'm at a loss what to do, I do love him and often wonder what it would be like without him which makes me cry cause ill worry about him. But again I can't carry in living like this. I feel not only trapped but I feel like he's controlling me. I was told off yesterday because I went to the toilet to change my bag (I have a stoma) he said I should have told him that's what j was doing and I'm being too secretive.

He has also said if I leave no body will want me because of my stoma and I have gained a few pounds.

I know he's wrong... But I can't carry on like this anymore. I'm fed up of crying myself to sleep some nights, going to bed early is my only way of getting some peace and time to myself before he starts with the insults again.

What do I need to do? I'd this the end? Would counselling help? Or am I wasting my time?

Wow OP your a saint for putting up with this for so long. First of all I must say of course someone else would want you! Have you suggested counselling to him before? I personally would be thinking of the last option which is to leave him, you would be so much happier. Sounds like you do most things anyway.

You need to leave.

This is an incredibly abusive and controlling relationship. He sounds like a very nasty piece of work. Just read it back to yourself and imagine it’s one of your daughters. What would you tell her?

Oh and don’t go to counselling with him. Not the right move with an abusive relationship.

He’s very controlling. I’m not surprised you don’t want to have sex with him.
I’m sure you’re anxious about the impact on the dc if you split particularly as he sounds quite vindictive so I would seek advice about that.

He is a disgusting human being. You'd be better off without him, your daughters too.

You do know your husband sounds like a walking advert for narcissistic personality disorder right? OCD my arse.

Either way, he is a massive bell-end and you need to get yourself and your poor daughters as far away from him as possible.

Lundy Bankroft 'why does he do that?' might be a good read for you.
Also Melanie Tonia Evans does some good youtube videos on narcissists.

I think your wasting your time Op, he is not a loving husband to you, sounds nasty, unhelpful, resentful and controlling. I would rather be on my own than have someone treat my like that.

Thanks guys, think reading all your comments have sealed it for me and my daughters.

He was sectioned years ago where ocd was diagnosed, its such a jackyl and hyde condition but again I've done my bit.

I actually don't know how to leave him. We have some debts, and I can't afford a place of my own... I feel trapped...

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You feel controlled because you (and in turn your kids) are indeed being controlled.

I would be making plans to separate from your H asap. He is no decent husband to you nor a decent example of a father to his children. Do not enter into joint counselling with such an individual; such is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

I'm really sorry you are living with this OP. You sound like you're a strong, together person and its lovely your daughters have really bonded with you.

Your husband is controlling and emotionally abusing you. It's natural to feel worried about him if you left but only he is responsible for his actions and he knows exactly what he is doing, he wants absolute power and control over you. He certainly doesn't love you.

You are staying because of fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). Have you read Lundy Bancroft 'why does he do that'? A book many recommend to read on here.

Think about your daughters too and what they will be picking up on.What would you say if they had written this as an adult? You know what to do. You have to leave to protect them as well.

He has OCD alongside personality disorders. He was sectioned because he was a danger to himself and perhaps to others also.

Its not your fault he is the ways he is and you did not make him that way. You are married to this man and have rights in law; exercise those to its fullest. Seek legal advice asap; knowledge as well here is power.

Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations are also worth contacting here.

Please go to counselling for yourself if you can afford it. It is really helping me get through the FOG in a similar sounding relationship. Mine is not so overt as yours - he doesn’t ‘say’ those things so continues to believe he’s doing nothing wrong.
I’m not out yet, but will be soon. It is the right thing for my children, even if they won’t see it that way!

Hi OP. I have a particular hatred of the way posters on here trip out with the LTB advice at the drop of the hat - with no actual thought given to what that means in reality

. .. a decade or more of 'split' time. Kids constantly shuttled backwards and forwards between parents IF they are reasonable enough to agree contact - and held hostage/used as weapons/poisoned by each parent against each other.. if things are not amicable... (and sounds very much that your H is from the second camp) ..

.. it's a decision that usually needs a LOT of thought and consideration, especially when bringing adopted children into the mix - who May or may not already have suffered a lot of early childhood trauma.

However - I do not think I have ever read a post that has sounded like such an archetypical example of the 'normalisation of control' ..
You do realise he is intentionally isolating you don't you ?
Once isolated, you have few 'outside' influences to counter act his narrative about how utterly useless/terrible/undesirable you are. He will actively discourage a good relationship between you and your family/friends - as god forbid you hear a different
'version' of you.. because once he has convinced you that 'he is all you need and the only one who will 'put up with your terrible inadequacies' .. his complete domination of you - and your requirement to pander to his every need will be complete.
This is not a home life that you and especially children should be in for one minute longer than necessary.

So I don't say this lightly but this man is actively trying to control you with emotional coercion. That isn't just 'abuse' (another over used term on here) it is a criminal offence under the Serious Crime Act sec 76 and punishable by up to 5 years in prison.

It's not to be taken lightly by any means and DEFINITELY a reason to LTB as soon as possible. I would also try and get some help from a DV agency to help you to do this - because he will ramp it up to the nth degree the moment he sees you asserting yourself and the emotional blackmail and psychological manipulation may become unbearable.

One last very important fact.

Having serious mental health issues AND being an unpleasant nasty controlling cockwomble - are NOT mutually exclusive.

Sadly your ex sounds like he uses the former to add 'support' to his beliefs that his behaviour is justified.

Your bang on right...

OCD doesn't make people perpetrate coercive control. His diagnosis is separate to his decision to abuse you, but clearly he sees it as a convenient excuse.

I read your post with increasing horror and sadness as his pattern of abuse became undeniable. I am so sorry you've been living with this.

Women's Aid is there if you want to talk through your next steps 0808 2000 247 (yes, it absolutely is bad enough to call them).

The Freedom Programme may also help you make sense of everything, how's it's affected you and your daughters, and how to protect yourselves in future. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

@patchworkpatty talks a lot of sense, intuitive post brilliant post

"This isn't just abuse"? Riiight, because before legislation was passed (the case at some point for all forms of abuse and assault) it was a-ok to abuse people? Or did you mean some types of abuse are acceptable? Or that a certain level or frequency of abuse would be ok?

What a disgustingly unhelpful notion to promote.

There is NOTHING there to love. He is horrible

Practically speaking, what sort of debts do you have? Are they priority debts? Are they in your name? Are you jointly liable (did both of you benefit from the money?)

What's the housing situation? Rent/own?

Hi OP. I'm appalled at the way you're being treated by this man. Like others have done, I really recommend the Freedom Programme and the book by Lundy Bancroft, 'Why Does He Do That?' Also Women's Aid - you are being abused. (Also, I have OCD as well and it doesn't make me abusive; that's all on him.)

Oh, and finally, as a PP has said, do NOT go to counselling sessions with an abuser. He will stick to his script and try to manipulate the situation. Go to counselling on your own if you'd like to get some further clarity on your situation, but marriage counselling is NOT recommended where bullying and coercive control are involved.

You poor love, he sounds awful.

Can you access some counselling through your work, on your own?

He really truly sounds awful, so unkind and nasty and it's intentional.

Here is what I would do now as the new sensible me. I would simply say you are welcome to leave. And say you know your worth even if he doesn't. What a prick. Who does he think he is pressuring you like tgat into sex? Mind boggling how men seem to think they are some how entitled to a better life than us women. My goodness I hope you tell him to just go and enjoy whatever is out there, and please if he does leave, I can promise you he will keep coming back to you with promises of a nice life, do t entertain it, know your worth.