Parents who thought my life would be different to the reality

[Spinsrap]

I've ended my Christmas day in tears over my mum's hopeful comments that my life might be different by next year.

I've struggled with social skills my entire life. I'm very isolated and an underachiever in education and work but I'm rarely bothered by it. I'm happy.

The older I get, now very late 20s, the more my mum talks about me meeting somebody, making friends, getting a better job, like I've been deliberately avoiding those things all these years. She's never accepted that I struggle with social interaction. It's always somebody else's fault not my problem.

I wish she was the sort of person who could be proud of me as me, even if I am a bit different, rather than comparing me to my brother and sister, my cousins, her friends' children, random people I went to school with... and wishing I was more like them.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking. Has anybody ever been on either side of this and managed to somehow have a conversation that got you and your parent/child on the same page about it? I guess I can't change how she feels about my (lack of) achievements but I wonder if I could make her understand that I'm not the sort of person who's ever going to have a career, husband and social circle but I am truly happy.

Have you ever read about "enmeshment"?

Your mother doesn't seem very supportive or able to see you as your own person, distinct from herself.

You have my sympathy, I had parents - mainly my mother - who was disappointed in me and constantly compared me to the world and his wife. Not in later life though, she became quite proud and pleased later on but then I had become more confident and had decent job.

It's such a shame when parents are constantly looking for something else and missing out on what is in front of them.

At least we know better than to do that with our own children.

Yup have had it all my life & to be be honest it’s a head fuck! However I don’t care anymore and just stray away from any work convo as much as possible but to be honest it’s comparing to everything & anything. Wouldn’t mind but I’m doing well in my industry & getting a good name for myself & it’s still not enough just becuase they don’t understand what I do 🤦🏾‍♀️

Have you ever just said ‘look I’m happy that’s my main priority’ in a nicer way to your mum? Drop it in to convo I do that a lot and it keeps my mum quiet for the moment.

Also I don’t spend a lot of time with my mum for this reason as nothing’s ever enough - I just see it as it’s a issue she has her self & is just reflecting it into me or my siblings.

I feel that generation of people just don’t know how to support peoole in a way - well I could be wrong who knows!

I would suggest that if you have a decent GP that you go to talk to them (if you don't then change your GP).
It could be you need counselling, it could be that there is an underlying reason that you struggle with social interaction. You definitely could do with some help with processing the unrealistic burdens your parents are putting on you.
To be honest if you are content in yourself it is really their problem, but it will have consequences on how you see yourself. Talking to someone and building yourself up could help you be stronger next year and ready to tell them that you are happy as you are - and how unhelpful their remarks are. To be honest they sound very socially conformist and unable to admit that anything in their life is not "perfect" or "normal".

Could you write your mum a positive letter, outline and explain all the positives about your life which make you content and happy. Let her know you are happy being you as you are

@PicsInRed

I don't know how you got to that from ops post!! It sounds like her mother is putting her own ideas of success onto op but I don't see anything that suggests enmeshment!

Op parents can be so difficult, my mum can be like a dog with a bone trying to get out of me what she wants to hear rather than what I really feel. I basically just tell her to do one! She was going on and on about my last day at work wanting me to say I was upset but I wasn't! I just said "oh no it wasn't like that it just felt like a normal end of term" (over and over again!!) and changed the subject.

I think as pp suggested it's your confidence and social interactions you need to work on. You say you're happy so counselling for self esteem etc is not the answer but something to help with assertiveness might well be!

I am not sure how old your mum is but many people struggle to see that everyone has their own life to live and they may choose to spend it differently to some. In these days many don't have the conventional partner and kids and so long as you are happy it doesn't matter. My mum in her eighties struggles to see my brother (in his 40s) single and happy and my daughter (in her 30s) also single but happy. Both have careers and a social life and are financially solvent but she choose to latch on to the one thing she thinks would make her happy.

Be confident in your own choices. I think I would confront her if she expresses disappointment and say Mum, I am sorry you are disappointed in me but I am happy and surely that is the most important thing.

My sister is 33 years old, never been in a relationship and keeps quitting and starting new jobs.. she says she's happy but it feels to me she's scared of trying to get out there. As a mother I can imagjne your mum might be worried you're not as happy as you could be? I worry about my sister and want her to really live her life to the fullest, if you are truly happy like you say then tell her, as your mother Im sure there's nothing more important to her.

My DS on paper does not live the life my relatives might think is to her potential. But it's her life to lead. I get that family might think it's not to their version of fullest life lived, but she is actually very happy.

I spend a lot of time at holidays pushing back on her behalf - well meaning relatives who ask her, me, my parents, if she's found a partner, or a new job.

It's her life, leave her alone. She's not in debt, she manages fine, has the level of social interaction that works for her. She doesn't want a massive career. But no amount of telling people will ever convince them.

OP, your mother may not ever be convinced as she has her own aspirations for you. But as long as you can work on how you feel about where you are, and be confident to be the way you are and just let them ask away, just keep telling them you are happy with your life as it is, and repeat.

As a mother I can imagjne your mum might be worried you're not as happy as you could be?

That's exactly it. The argument that I don't know that I wouldn't be happier because I've never had a relationship or a good job and the last time I had friends was primary school. But nobody ever suggests that people who do have those things get rid just to check that they wouldn't be happier without.

I get the nothing is ever enough thing. I used to do everything alone and my mum claimed she wanted me to be less isolated so I joined a couple of clubs purely to stop her worrying... Now she asks if there are any men my age there and tells me to invite myself on social runs with a particular group of women she thinks I should be friends with. I don't want to go to the clubs at all. I did it for her and now she's moved the goalposts.

We've had conversations and I just feel like nothing will ever convince her that I'm truly happy. Feel for everybody in similar positions. It's difficult.

Yep. My mum. Wanted me to be a midwife. I went into law. Very successful but she always has to say 'if only you'd gone into midwifery'

She's projecting her social norms onto you.

It's hard work, I know.

'I get the nothing is ever enough thing'

^
True. They want you to meet a bloke. Then get married. Then have kids. All whilst having a great job, owning a home, having predicable holidays in safe places. The expectations never end.

I'd be tempted to go for the nuclear option; which is that you feel sorry for her as she's unable to love you enough to be happy with who you are - rather than who she wants you to be.

Harsh, but it sounds like a home truth might be in order.

Have you tried to get a diagnosis of some kind? For instance I was recently diagnosed with ADHD with autistic features (despite what people say, it is possible to be a little bit autistic.)

I'm not claiming that if you get a diagnosis you should use it as an excuse to yourself as such, though it can help you forgive yourself, but it is something you could use to get your parents to STFU. My mum recently asked if I'd been using the buses more. I find it hard to motivate myself to get going, it is part of ADHD, so have to spend extra on taxis. I said 'no, that's not me, I know it sounds funny but it's a disability.'

I think a diagnosis could help you feel better about/forgive yourself maybe.

I was the first to buy a home! But of course, it's not as great as her friends' children's homes because they're all married and earn more than I do, and I saved the deposit by having no social life, holidays, etc. so...

A diagnosis isn't for me. Neither is going nuclear. I know she loves me. Just can't seem to get her head around the fact that I don't have the life she imagined that I'd have. Doesn't help that my brother and sister, who are the sort of offspring you can brag about, live a few hours away so our parents don't see their day to day life like they do mine.