can I learn to love my dh?

[kathyseldon]

Been unhappily married for 18yrs. 2 dc.

Can I learn to love dh, or should I just give up?

Has it been this way since the beginning?

tbh - it's always been a bit loveless. I really wanted to settle down, and he was nice to me. We met, got married and had dc1 all in 3 years of meeting each other.
I turn 50 soon. I want to be in a relationship where I feel loved and feel love too.
Not sure how the finances would work if we split, and dc1 about to do A levels, dc2 is autistic.
Would probably be best to try and stay and learn to love dh.

If you don't love him after 18 years, it's never gonna happen.

I think if it was gonna happen it would have already.

Let him down gently

I know. I feel pretty crap about it all. I can see he's making an effort, but I just don't feel anything. We don't talk anymore about anything.

18 weeks in maybe
18monttgs in on zn arranged marriage maybe
After 18 years forget it.
Move on
Let him go

Sometimes love does grow. I feel like that’s what happened with me and DH. Got married under similar circumstances, I was vulnerable and he was kind. I never really thought we’d make it tbh. We have though, and now I feel so lucky and grateful that I ‘fell into’ someone so wonderful, when I could easily have ended up in a horrible situation.

18 years is a long time to wait for that though. Have you tried things? A regular date night for example might help you get to know each other in a new way and work out whether or not you want to be together for the next stage for your lives. Is seeing a counsellor an option?

I really feel for you, it’s such a hard place to be in

Please dont tell him that you never really loved him. Just tell him youve grown apart and the love has gone.

The relationship was what you needed for a while. Youve clearly tried to make it work and youve raised a lovely family together, but its not right for you anymore. The one person you can't lie to is yourself

You only live once (as far as we know.) Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

I’m sorry but I think it’s highly unlikely that you can learn to love someone if it’s not happened in almost two decades.

18 years lying to yourself, your DH and presumably those around you (including DC's). I know that others are telling you to let him down gently but I just don't see how this is possible after 18 years, this will be devastating to him I'm afraid and you are going to have to own that devastation if you decide to end it. So I suggest you do some serious thinking and trying for a defined period before going through with this.

I know. I can't see a good way out of this. Dh is a good man and he's done nothing wrong. I don't know if life would be worse for all involved if we split up, or if we carry on.

It's not about carrying on, it is about whether you can work with him (probably with some counselling support) to create a better relationship for you both or whether it is worth the pain and hassle of a divorce to start again on your own.

Don’t muck up your DC’s A levels, you’ve stuck it this long. Wait till after that at least

I'm not sure how dh will react if I tell him how I feel.

Dc1 needs really good A levels to get onto the courses he's applied for. I don't want to wreck his chances. There never seems a 'good' time to do it though. This could go on forever.

Sorry people, it's just good for me to get some of my thoughts out in the open to people I'll never meet.