Lack of quality time is harming our relationship

[TheHandmaidsVeil]

We don't spend enough quality time together and it is harming our relationship. We have 2 small children (5yo DS and 6mo DD). We both work, me PT and DH FT. We try to talk in the evenings/watch a show together after kids have gone to bed (both are in bed by 7:30pm and both generally sleep through). DH always falls asleep while we are trying to talk/watch a favourite show together and it kills the mood every time. He has tried drinking coffee, taking a short nap just before we spend quality time together, not taking the nap at all, etc. Short of standing up the entire evening, which is ridiculous, nothing works. I even thought it might be related to a medical condition but all recent blood tests/checks have come back normal. We do get occasional help with childcare from family and do a date night out of the house once a month, but even on those he looks shattered and struggles to engage. Now I know it's normal to be exhausted taking care of small kids, they are a handful, but how do we get around this? It's really starting to take a toll. How do other people do it? Any suggestions?

Turn the central heating down! And maybe do something a bit more interactive, like playing cards or a game?

Does he have an early start for work and/or a particularly exhausting job? Does he have hobbies or a social life that take up a lot of time and energy some evenings or at weekends?

If there is no obvious reason for his lack of energy perhaps he should book a health check up to rule out underlying causes.

I understand that working and looking after two young children is exhausting but given that they sleep well, it does seem weird that he falls asleep every time you try and spend time together.

Could he be depressed? That can knock the wind out of your sails!
I suffered badly with depression when I was younger and I was constantly exhausted and falling asleep.
Just a thought x

Oh crap sorry I missed the bit where you said a medical condition has been ruled out.

Thanks for the responses so far

@BitOfFun he's even fallen asleep during board games before...

@AnotherEmma no unusually early start and his job involves a fair bit of driving, but he says he enjoys driving and his job so doesn't find it particularly tiring

@Mrsmummy90 I don't think he is but I know that doesn't mean anything. Perhaps I need to find a sensitive way of asking him. Thinking he may need a more comprehensive health check, it can't hurt

I just don't know what to think/do. He stays up later than I do (I go to bed usually around 11pm) and him around 12am, sometimes 1am based on what he tells me. He's usually finishing up bits of housework/random admin that needs doing/his hobby which involves playing musical instruments. I've told him it's a bit suspect that he can stay awake long enough to do those things but not spend time with me earlier in the evening, and he says he almost gets a slump early evening that the coffee and nap don't seem to touch. As in he's been on his feet all day (wakes up with DS, takes him to school, works, comes home, helps with baby/cooking/bedtime) that when they go to bed and he sits down, it's like his body just switches off and he physically can't stay awake. Even napping for 10/20 minutes right after the kids bedtime doesn't help, he'll come back downstairs and be dozing off. And that later in the evening he's got a bit more energy and so does these other things before going to bed. I'm way too tired to stay up past 11pm to spend time with him so not really sure what the solution is.

My partner is asleep by 8pm some nights. He's had lots of investigations and nothing wrong. He dies get up at 5.30 am and is full of energy. I have had to learn to sleep earlier but it is hard.

I used to get that early evening slump when I was really exhausted then by bedtime I'd got what I thought of as a second wind and be up late. By the sounds of it he may simply not be getting enough sleep if he's regularly going to sleep at 12pm/1am. Maybe you could try putting quality time aside for a month or two and he goes to bed when that slump hits, catch up on some sleep and then when he's not so exhausted you may find he doesn't hit that early slump and you can get that time together.

Would you be focussing too much on ‘quality time’? Maybe his body needs that sleep time in evening ? Could you work around it - have a short chat/catch up/cuddle on sofa/whatever immediately after kids in bed and then some ‘me’ time for you both. Or one or two evenings a week for ‘quality time’ rather than ever evening. Or maybe do your own thing for an hour or so after kids in bed and then the quality time afterwards?

I get early evening slump, especially when on the go all day. Does your baby sleep through? I think the first 2 years for us with 3 children was mainly about survival!! A date night once a month was more than we got as we didnt have childcare. Id be tempted to accept it is what it is for now, it gets easier as they get older. You say he helps with baby/cooking/bedtime. Maybe he's just shattered after that?

Encourage him to go straight to bed in the evening. He sounds exhausted and forcing him to stay up is just messing with his natural body rhythm. Once he's caught up on sleep after a few good night's he'll probably have more energy to spend an evening with you.

Quality time together will come as the kids grow.

"He stays up later than I do (I go to bed usually around 11pm) and him around 12am, sometimes 1am based on what he tells me."

Well he's obviously going to bed too late then! It's not rocket science!

I think that early evening slump is pretty common - especially after a busy day.

Can he try going to bed when the slump "hits" for a while and catch up on some sleep? If he has a proper sleep rather than a nap, a few hours faffing and a 1am bedtime he'll probably feel a lot better!

Does he snore badly or stop breathing at night for short periods (like holding his breath, then gasps in a big intake of air?)

It's normal in human biology to have more than one sleep in twenty four hours. It's just not how we're socialised to sleep as adults.

If you want him to be awake at different times, you'll have to see if he'll start going to bed earlier. If he agrees to. He may not.

@trinity0097 he snores horrendously but doesn't gasp for air, and has already been to a sleep clinic overnight for investigations due to his snoring. No issues, just the way his nose/bones are structured means he snores!

Thank you all for the responses, and some really useful suggestions! Discussing them with him now and he's going to concentrate on catching up on sleep and going to bed earlier. I think we're both frustrated because we miss eachother! Thanks all