Advice about introducing a new partner

[Otterspotter]

I am looking for advice and guidance regarding the best way to go about introducing a new partner to my children.

I have looked for books/articles regarding this subject, perhaps written by professionals which look to be of good quality, but have found what’s available to be quite limited. If anyone has anything to recommend I’d be very grateful, but in lieu of that I thought I would ask for advice here.

I have been formally separated for over 18 months now, our divorce came through about 6 months ago.

Much to my surprise I have met and fallen pretty deeply in love with someone. We have only been seeing each other for four months but we have spent a lot of time with each other during that period. He is level headed and sensible but his feelings are the same and we have begun to talk about the long term and our future together. At this stage this amounts to nothing more than the first step of meeting each other’s children, though we have been very clear that we do not intend to rush this, we are just planning ahead.

New bf has been formally separated for around a year. He has 2 ds’s age 6 & 7. He has them one night in the week and every other weekend.

My two are dd age 4 and ds 8. They see their Dad every other weekend.

My two do have the experience of their Dad having a new relationship. They were first introduced to her about a year ago, and got a new half brother about 3 months ago. This has all been surprisingly smooth sailing, they seemed to barely bat an eyelid about the fact their dad was now with someone new, but I do wonder if it is going to be very different because I am Mummy and I am the stable care-giver.

I’m looking for any kind of general advice or experiences really. Interestingly we both have the experience of our own Mums bringing new partners into our lives very suddenly and therefore want to give this some thought and create the best environment to do this properly. I guess some of the things I have been particularly wondering are:
-Do I introduce him as my BF or just a friend? Ie should I be straight with them from the beginning or better to do it slower?
-would it be a good strategy for the children to all meet from quite early on or better to concentrate on each side separately?

Thanks in advance!

Just explain you have a boyfriend several wks before you plan to introduce him that way they have plenty of time to come to terms with it.

Do you think if I tell them quite far in advance they will feel uncomfortable when, for example I go off to meet him for the evening (though we don’t see each other that often in the evening when I have the children at home) when they haven’t met him yet? I can’t decide whether it is better to introduce quickly or to do as you say and give them some time to get used to it...

Give them time but I'm sure they will be fine especially having done so with the dad

Ok, thank you for your advice!

Very slowly-4 months of a relationship is no time. Let them decide the time span, intordce the idea first and let them decide when they wan to meet, but please don't do it a long time off yet, you barely know this guy, let alone know there's a definite future.
Enjoy your child free times together, enjoy the dating and the fun

Start talking to them about this new friend you have. Maybe if youre texting him just mention his name (look what funny meme so and so send me kids!). Just make it informal but so they know of his existence and meeting him wont come as a surprise. Sounds to me like they will be completely fine (theyve had their dads experience). I introduced my partner to my kids like that, (very early on) we went out for a fun day with the kids, they instantly embraced him, they could also see how happy i was around him and were very excited. 4 years later they consider his kids their step siblins. We adults tend to worry too much, they will be fine ad long as you are.

Slow and steady.

My son (4) met my boyfriend just after six months of being together, he knew that’s who I was seeing when he was at my cousins, on lunch at work etc.

I would say to meet on neutral territory, we went to a petting zoo, this meant my son had plenty to entertain him and my boyfriend didn’t have to interact with him hugely. Second meet was again on neutral territory, park and then lunch out. Third was I think maybe park again but we then had lunch at our flat. I kept all early meets very short as my son copes with that better than fewer longer meets.

We’re now at almost 10 months and he occasionally stays over, he typically comes to the flat twice a week, sometimes for a couple of hours, he always stays over on Thursdays. None of us work Fridays so thats our day together while my son is at school.

It’s making sure others don’t make a fuss as well, two weeks ago my boyfriend met my surrogate family and stayed at their home. Everyone made sure to essentially ignore him apart from standard pleasantries to make sure my son got to spend lots of time playing, catching up etc before attention was then given to my boyfriend.

My partner came to work in the UK from the Philippines in September 2000. Her husband stayed at home to care for their two daughters. When she came here she discovered she was pregnant and when she went home to have the baby, her husband abandoned her and the girls.

She was literally left holding the baby, and was forced to return to work in the UK in order to support her family. We then met and after 18 months the girls came here. They were 9 & 11 at the time of arriving here to live with a man they had never met. Their younger brother came later and we have now been a family for over 13 years.

My partner simply told them that she had a new man in her life whom she loved and lived with. The children just got on with it; children are incredibly adaptable. We have had no issues and we are a great family unit.

Tell your children that you have someone new in your life, and let them cope. Give them love, answer their questions, and generally support them. If they feel loved, this isn't a huge thing in their lives and they will take it in their stride.

Best wishes.

Ok, thanks. There seems to be a common theme of introducing the idea quite well in advance first. I’m certainly open to that. And yes, I absolutely intend to go slowly and steadily 🙂

Hi op, I have been with my bf 4 months too and my kids met him last weekend FKE the first time. They are a little older than yours (12 and 13) but have met two of their dad's gf's in the two years we have been separated (including the OW).

I told then about him first and then a few weeks later asked how they felt about meeting him and they were keen so we met at a crazy golf place, which made the whole
Thing less formal. We then went for some lunch. It went well and they saw him again briefly yesterday.

He won't stay over when they are here for a while as I think that needs building up to.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Hope it continues to go well for you!

What's the rush? It's 4 months,that's too soon to introduce anyone to kids. I say that as a child with divorced parents.

**obviously I'm not a child now

Agree with previous poster. What's the rush?

After a year I started mentioning him.

Four ish months after that, they met for an hour.

Spent a few hours a week together for about a year or two after that.

I think you're about to start moving too fast. Four months in, hes still on his best behaviour. I'd give it at least a year tbh

I'd wait until the first year is up, but then I'm very old-fashioned about these things, and have yet to introduce my kids to anyone not that I've found anyone worthy

4 months is far too soon. don't start thinking about introducing kids until the relationship has evolved past the initial flush of romantic whirlwind and had become something more comfortable and prosaic. if at that point you both feel this could become something permanent then it is time to start introducing kids.

start with between 9 months to a year of regular meet-ups and day trips outside either family home to get to know each other on neutral territory. Do not think of moving in together until you all know each other well - and be prepared to decide not to move in together until after kids leave home if the dynamic between the kids or between some of the kids and the new adult just doesn't work

put the kids' wellbeing first. this is more important than your love-life.

After I’d been with my partner for about six months we started taking the kids (he has two aged 11 and 8, and I have two aged 11 and 13) out as friends. We kept things neutral, took them to the park for an ice cream and a walk, went to see a movie, went for a walk etc. we were really careful not to show any kind of affection towards each other, and just let the kids kind of get on. After a few weeks, his 8 year old had worked out that we were girlfriend/boyfriend, and as we were going to be seeing them that weekend, and I’d rather it came from me, I told my kids. I was absolutely bricking it, but when I told them they said they’d already worked it out and just went back to chatting about what they’d done at school! They were not bothered at all!

It worked out well. My boyfriend and his kids come over and stay at weekends sometimes, the kids enjoy each other’s company and we’ve started doing more ‘family’ things, such as playing board games together and going to local events as a family of six. My boyfriend stays over three or so nights a week in addition, and now we’re in a sort of routine my girls look forwards to seeing him. Even my teenager, who I thought would hate the idea of me being with someone new, is fine. She seems to look forward to him coming over, and makes suggestions of things we could do or what we could have for dinner.

I think we often think that children are more resilient than they really are. It's often not until they are adults themselves that they talk about how unhappy their childhood really was even though it all looked fine to us parents at the time.

What do you mean heyday?