Friendships/dating with financial problems

[Phoenixxx]

It's all my own doing, but I have about £5,000 of debt now which includes my overdraft.
A combination of an ex who took about £1,500 from me a couple of years back, paying a rent which was over half of my income, then taking out loans with high interest.
I earn about £1200 per month, around £140 through tutoring though this is less during the holidays.
Up until now, I've been paying £250 in debt repayments per month which I have found too expensive. My rent is 570 for a small studio including bills.
After transport, food and other expenses I don't really have anything left.
I work in a school and left at Christmas. I was only paid up until Christmas holidays which meant I earned about £450 less than usual, and no tutoring over Christmas.
I haven't been able to afford the £250 this month and have reached out to a debt charity who have organised a debt management plan for me.
I have zero savings or assets and i'm angry at myself for getting into this situation especially as I have no children, but I know it happens.
Has anyone else found themselves in this situation and how did you manage friendships/dating ?

Most people I meet with the exception of 1 friend earn more or have much more disposable income than I do. I find I cannot relate to them that respect. However one friend is on zero hours contract and Universal Credit, so understands fully.

Ive worked out it will take me 2 years to pay it all off with the DMP. I have had to turn down a lot of invitations for restaurants/trips/holidays as I just cannot afford it.
When people say they're skint I have had times where I literally don't have a penny to my name.
I feel embarrassed suggesting cheap/free dates all the time, and most men seem to be earning quite well that I meet . The last 2 times I was dating, we were just 'going for food' here and there and going for drinks etc. And I ended up in trouble again. I feel embarrassed telling men about my debt problems as it may put them off me.

Should I just leave dating for now ? And hopefully the true friends will understand.

I'm nearly 30 now and I have zero deposit for a house, I don't drive and can't really afford lessons for another few months. I would never be able to afford a child, I feel so financially irresponsible. I know we are not defined by how much we have in the bank but thank god I'm in a rented property because if a washing machine or something were to break, forget it.
My credit rating is also thrashed and (fortunately) I cannot get any more credit.

Expecting a lot of slating for this but... I run a dating coaching business but I'll give you this snippet of advice. On the one hand, you need to fix you and work on yourself to be the best product when dating. On the other hand, imo you seem to have the wrong attitude to dating, it's best to never offer to pay in dates. Don't be a 50/50 chick. It invites a lot of no hopers and men who are only mildly interested in you. It is a very small minority of men who will ask you to if you say nothing. Your job is to look hot and be nice company. His job is to take care of you. You thank him nicely. I dated a ton before I met my husband plus do my dating coaching and none of my ladies pay nor did I. Lots of them get engaged within the year having never paid on dates

You might want to start a side hustle to get more income or a second job in the evenings so you can clear your debt sooner depending on what your long term vision is. £5k isn’t a lot of debt in the grand scheme of things though it can feel overwhelming of course with outgoings etc. Look at your monthly spends and see what you can cut back on - cancel any subscriptions etc you may have that are no longer useful etc .

Why did you leave your job?

I have tutoring at the moment but i'm finding it hard to get other evening work which fits around the hours, will keep trying though.
I suppose I may have to get a weekend job, it's a shame I have a busy week and would like a good work/life balance but such is life I suppose.
You are right 5k isn't that much thankfully, but the £250 monthly payments were killing me. With the DMP that has been reduced to £180 which will help a lot.
I have a mobile phone and Netflix but nothing otherwise, I never go to the cinema, all my clothes are primark or 2nd hand. A couple of months ago I had hair extensions which was my one treat but can't afford them for now ! I think whilst i'm off now I need to apply for more evening and weekend work.

I left my job as the commute was too far, and i've found one closer which i'll start January, it pays an extra £60 per month which will also help things !

It’s great you have a plan now.
Did I understand your post as saying you left your job just before Christmas?
If yes - then I hope you have another job lined up.

Yes I start my new job January !

@girlygirl98 stop trolling, you pop up with this nonsense on lots of threads, no believes you are actually real.

I think you’ll feel better about you and probably more like you want a partner when you feel more in control.

What did you do in the school and what’s your new job? Will the new job mean any more money? If you tutor are you a teacher? Have you looked at joining a supply agency?

I get it’s shot but it’s not forever. Good luck!

@Grobagsforever lol I'm not a troll. A different opinion to yours does not make me a troll. There are lots of women that have more traditional approaches to romantic relationships

I would have no problem being with someone who had your level if debt who was also on a payment plan, actively doing something about it.

In my relationship, it's me who has nothing but luckily I've one small debt from tax credits and it's going to be finished with by next xmas.

My modus operandi is to always be up front with people. I met my OH on POF and I was up front with everyone on there about my health, my situation, and so on. It weeded out anyone who didn't have the depth to deal with anything other than a perfect life.

It sounds like you've done well considering the odds haven't been in your favour.

My partner doesn't earn well considering where he was living or where we are stuck living at the moment but further from London and his wage is amazing. Still, he chose me and we fell for each other and we are doing our best to make ends meet and it's not great right now but we have each other.

My favourite dates are things like taking a Tesco meal deal (sandwich or wrap with snack and drink) to a free place like the beach, country park, whatever. Or climbing a hill (will take the kite next time) or staying indoors and working on adult Lego sets or playing games.

Dates can be creative and fun without costing the earth.

If you can find someone who finds this sort of thing fun, you're on to a good thing.

Yes you're right, it's just that most of the men i've met seem to be able to afford regular (at least weekly) expensive meals out, transatlantic holidays and at least have some sort of assets, and I can't match.
A treat for me is going to the chippy, to be honest !
I work in learning support, and the new job should make me an extra £60/70 per month which is great. Supply seems to pay well but i've heard that isn't always guaranteed work, and I need all the stability I can get !
It will get better :) thank you

@OhCumInMyFaceful that's great to hear (love the username btw !)
You're right, I need to just be honest. I just feel like being in debt carries stigma.
Those are very good suggestions for dates, and if I could find somebody up for that that would be fantastic !

@DDIJ I know what you mean ! A few dates a week wouldn't be possible for me either (unless they are paying !). I think I will just leave it for a bit and wait until my debt reduces and i've saved a little bit.

Just be honest. girly your approach falls flat if you're out with the guy and he says, 'Let's split it', so it's best to be upfront. But OP, so many women these days are paying out to have a man in their lives and skinting themselves for some bloke who outearns them by miles, so on the other hand girly does have a point about being a 50/50 chick. Just don't fall into the habit, too, about feeling bad about not being able to afford meals so you end up skinting yourself providing free dinners you cook for the chap with a bunk thrown in, too.The threads on here featuring women servicing such men who never return the favour or contribute are legion.

@girlygirl98 do you not want more for yourself or your 'ladies' than to be expensive arm candy?

@girlygirl98 as a bloke if the girl I had met with a few times had not offered to pay for dinner after the 3rd date then I would be running for the hills, no bloke wants a freeloader, no respect there for them at all

Forget dating for a bit. Take a second ( weekend) job, and focus on sorting your debt out first

So I’m seeing someone in a similar situation. The first month or so she paid her way, 50:50 but it became clear she was struggling with money. Eventually told me she’s in a fair bit of debt (significantly more than you), and the amount she’s paying off doesn’t leave her much if any fun money.

I don’t care - she’s taking responsibility for it now so I’m not bothered about her previous poor choices. We do a lot of free stuff, walks and watch movies and cook together and I’m more than happy to pay for us to do stuff. She never asks or expects me to pay so I’m happy to as the way I see it, I want to do these things with her and I’m in a much better financial circumstance.

I appreciate it’s difficult right at the start though.

Depends on what you are like, I found there were plenty of options to go on dates and not pay a penny, I'm just not keen myself ... I could have been out every night with a different man if I wanted, availability isn't the issue, and circa 40 year olds would be only too pleased to pay for you if you can swallow your pride.

As I said, I couldn't do it, I paid my own way mostly with old. Now I'm in an established relationship we take turns ish, not an issue - he earns more but pays spousal, I receive spousal from ex so we are in similar circumstances

Thanks for these replies, I feel better. I'm sure the right person won't mind.