Why can’t people be honest and decent?

[Cloudywithrainbows]

Morning All

It’s my second Xmas as a single mum after kicking out ExH following the discovery of his affair and whilst I’m still not on top of the world I’m in a much better place than I was last year.

However, my heart is breaking reading all the posts at the moment of suspected/confirmed cheating. Why do people have to be so sh!tty? Feelings change and although that is something you would rather not hear, anything is better than the utter devastation of betrayal. What is wrong is people?!!!

Sending huge hugs to anyone who needs one at the moment and to say it does eventually get better.

"What is wrong is people?!!!"

I ask myself the same thing OP. I think part of the problem is that, years ago, it was normal to be faithful. Now, bizarrely, it seems to be normal to be unfaithful.

That's probably why i'm happy to be single.

Because - if you believe Esther Perel and my ex (who read lots of Esther Perel) its because they fear the conflict being honest will engender so they do it to protect us. rolleyes

When I uncovered (yet another) deception by my ex, they whined to give them a break because it was "hard" - i.e. they didn't have the guts to be honest so prefered to fool everyone instead.

A lot of people buy it unfortunately, especially if - like my ex - they look like butter wouldn't melt in their mouth. They had an affair which they kept continuing in secret whilst claiming they wanted to save the marriage until finally things were so toxic I called in the lawyers. I was told not to judge them, that they weren't a toxic person, just that their behaviour had been "unfortunate".

Maybe it's not normal to be monogamous? Maybe nature expects us to be poly like animals? Society has bred us to be faithful to one partner, but sometimes I wonder...

Sadly, my lovely, some people are assholes. I ask myself this every day- why did the man I was ready to dedicate my life to, the man who despised cheating, cheat on me at the start of our relationship and at the end? I know why. It's because he's a POS with no morals.

You're better off, trust me. It may not feel like it but you are. ❤ merry Christmas!

Why? Poor boundaries in my opinion- formed in childhood by poor parenting. Or absent parenting or seeing their parents in toxic relationships. Attachment.

Because most people, especially men, are cowards. They don't like to own their behaviour or to feel that they are in any way to blame. My ex was pathetic. When he wanted out of the relationship because he had met someone else he just started ignoring me and he stood back and let me slowly and painfully work out what was going on. Him finding someone else did not hurt half as much as the deception. I felt a total fool.

You are right, it does get better. I'm am 4 years post-separation. I look back and realise his cheating was my escape route.

But I've learned that every single person is capable of cheating and I dont think I will bother with relationships in future for that reason.

Apparently some people really struggle to be even half decent. It's depressing. I wish they were shoved off to another planet to fuck up each other's lives instead.

Maybe it's not normal to be monogamous? Maybe nature expects us to be poly like animals? Society has bred us to be faithful to one partner, but sometimes I wonder...*
*
I agree with this above. Males and females basically stayed together for about 5-7 years in order to feed, protect, and nurture offspring to the point of self sufficiency.

It's not called the seven year itch fur nothing. It's nature and it's in men and women. Hormones change and minds / eyes start to wander. When bound by modern institutions like marriage and societal norms, you're basically forcing people together who don't want it any more. And hence they argue, grow distant and cheat.

As sophisticated as we all think we are, we're animals with self awareness and a thin sheen of domesticity. Anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves.

As to why do cheats cheat? Simply because they've got desire for the new target than they have respect for their current partner.

@Alongwayfromeverything maybe it is true, who knows, but if it is then people really need to grow some balls and end their relationships before they shag someone else. Affairs are brutal to all involved and I'm so sick of this argument being used as an excuse for cheating.

Sorry, that was meant for @alwaysmovingforwards.
It's not the moving on I have a problem with....it's the betrayal and deceit. No one needs to treat someone like that. Another thing that annoys me about cheating is that often the unfaithful partner still expects the faithful spouse to be faithful 🤷‍♀️. It's hardly fair, you can't have it both ways. I also have been on two relationships lasting longer than 7 years and never felt the need to sleep with someone else so it's certainly not true for all humans.

Why are cheaters shitty? Usually because they have too much to lose.

@Ibizafun they're shitty because they're too weak to do the right thing. They shit all over people with their lies and deceit.

That as well. I have first hand experience from my ex dh who started cheating when I was pregnant and lived a double life for seven years. You’re right about them still wanting you to be faithful.. 6 months after I chucked him out I ventured out on a date, he followed me and physically stopped me getting there.

I think marriage came about when most people were dead by their late forties, often a lot sooner and it was a way of ensuring that children made it beyond infancy with some stability (that and all the religious guff).

I don't think a faithful marriage is the norm for 40+ years I really don't and I think it's normal animal behaviour to not be monogamous, it's just what society is still expecting of us.

I do think deception is shitty though but I think the main reason is because people don't want to deal with the wailing and gnashing of teeth and emotional fallout of honesty.

@AloneLonelyLoner Fair enough. Then people really need to grow some balls and deal with the fall out and move on.

@Ibizafun it takes a particularly shitty person to cheat on someone whilst pregnant and carry out on that long. I mean what can possibly excuse that? He is a c*nt.

@Louise831 totally agree. People are usually cowards though.

I hear you. It's awful.
There is another thread on MN about being the "other woman" where people are twisting themselves in knots justifying why cheating is ok and that "not everyone can leave", "lots of marriages are sexless" etc.
So. Many. Excuses.
Its breathtakingly selfish behaviour. If you want to shag around- thats fine- go ahead! Then dont marry someone and promise to be faithful to them then!
This is what I find revolting- where someone has decided "monogamy isn't for me!" yet they fail to discuss this with their partner so creep around behind their back, lying and betraying them and putting them at risk of STDs and goodness knows what else. Its like putting an emotional bomb under the person you've promised to love and care for the rest of your life and then wondering why they get so hurt.
Appalling.

Because some of them are simply psychopaths. BiL is spending this Xmas alone having been discovered last Xmas as a long standing, habitual user of a very particular kind of prostitute. He sent us a Xmas card with a jolly message and an “apology” for his “shenanigans”. I’m afraid that’s what we’re up against OP.

Amazingly I seemed to have found a man (been together 17 years) who despises being unfaithful. He often says that betraying someone you're meant to love is the lowest thing a person can do.

I sometimes wish that he'd kept that opinion to himself though, as I don't want feel complacent. I should add that he's not without other faults though!

It's not just the cheating, though that's bad enough. Every year there are threads where women haven't been given a Christmas present from their husbands, when the woman has taken the time and care to buy a thoughtful present for them as well as buying all the kids' presents, cleaning the house, buying and cooking all the food, entertaining the in laws etc. It's so depressing to think of people living like that.

Another way of looking at it is that if you are in a good relationship and your partner doesn't cheat, you're far less likely to post about it. Some people are awful but it's dramatic and it gets written about. There are always going to be fewer posts "my DH was kind to me again today" - but this doesn't mean it's not happening or that it won't happen to you in the future.

I agree. It's making me think my dh isn't as bad I sometimes think! Some absolutely sickening behaviour