To say thank you for a significant sum of cash that may or may not be meant for me?

[Allisquiet]

Inlaws are quite wealthy and always give DH and I separate cards with sums of money inside at Christmas. Although the gift is always very generous in my world, DH receives significantly more than myself.
I find this a little insulting as my family are extremely traditional and treat us as equal partners, always giving joint financial gifts, albeit much smaller. I don't feel ILs see us as an equal partnership. We also have children together and have been together for 10 years.

They are staying with us over Christmas and yesterday morning, FIL asked DH for his bank details to transfer thousands of pounds to his account for Christmas (much more than usual) . DH has told me and assures me it's a gift for us both. I think DH is naive as nothing about the money has been mentioned to me at all by ILs. If the sum is for both of us, I need to say thank you, but I don't know if it is so not sure what to say.

Do I thank them when I am not convinced the cash is intended for us both? DH has transferred it to his own account before he transfers it to the joint one which makes me question how much DH is intending on keeping for himself anyway.

The whole family seem so guarded when it comes to money, including DH, I feel very uncomfortable about it and largely like an outside threat.

No issue. The point is whether to show gratitude for a hefty sum of money that I have been told is for the both of us. Yet I am not sure is the case. I have never been given a substantial sum of money of this amount by anyone in my life... nowhere near this amount by my own parents. If the gift is intended for me too, I would find it extremely uncomfortable and embarrassing not to thank them for it.

On that case I don't think you need to say Thank You for the transferred sum. It sounds like it is your DP saying the money is joint and not your in-laws. I assume he thanked them. That should cover it.

@Butterymuffin DH shares with me what I know is there. If I don't know it's there, he doesn't tend to share it so I've learned in the past.
There is probably a reason why he has told me it's there. Although if he was to buy something large with it, there would be obvious suspicion so I guess this is the reason he has told me.

I wouldn’t bother saying thanks unless it’s for you both and it’s made clear. Playing dumb is best some times imo.

I'm not sure people are understanding the OP. It's not about the money being given to her husband. It whether she should thank her in laws for the money they are giving to her husband as he seems to think it's a joint gift.

OP - not sure then why you felt the need to describe years of unequal giving and contrasting it with your parents.
And mentioning your H potentially not fully sharing it.
There is clearly something in that, even if you don’t want to admit it.

People are funny about/around money sometimes. Not sure what makes this gift any different from any other gift of any size.
You get handed a gift - you say thank you.
This wasn’t given to you, clearly.
Given to your H, whose job it is to say thank you. Your H then made it a joint gift as a normal H would do. Most of it, or share of it - doesn’t matter.

So just say thank you. It doesn't really matter if it was for you both or not. We had a very generous gift this year too, and we both said thank you for it...because we’re married and so what is ones belongs to the other. You’re hugely overthinking this.

It's not for you, it's for him. He may choose to share. Or not.

If it's a joint gift surely it's a joint thank you with your dh as the main receiver. I.e. standing there him saying thanks for the money and then you adding on yes thanks very much. Or sending a card or something with his name first and yours as joint by marriage in which case I would have him write it and you add a note on afterwards

Just ask him if they said it's for both of you as you don't want to appear rude by not thanking them. Then you'll have your answer.

I personally would say thank you. Your ILs have transferred to your DH a significant sum. DH will transfer some/all to the family pot. So this money will impact on family life.

Surely your ILs would expect such a big sum to be a benefit to all the family? Unless they are expecting your DH to piss it all away on his own hobbies/self (Expensive golf habit? New sports car?).

I think it would be very rude and a bit weird not to mention it.

So regardless of the previous history of money distribution/gifts this is different. It will filter to you/the whole family. Have you and your DH discussed what you will spend the money on?

So yes, a thank you. But if it feels a little odd/weird because the actual bank transfer went to your DHs then just think a little carefully about your wording. That will help if you have.

"Thank you for your lovely Christmas gift, I was thinking of treating myself to some new perfume/handbag/running trainers. And thank you so much for the very generous gift you transferred to DH yesterday. We have thought about pushing forward on the loft extension/upgrading the car/spoiling us all on a trip to Hawaii so it is amazing of you. Thank you." Or "We haven't decided what to spend it on but it offers us so many options, thank you."

We received our usual separate cards on the evening of Christmas Eve as always

And so you have said thank you. They didn’t mention the big cash-I assume DH has thanked them-so I wouldn’t mention it as they haven’t mentioned it to you. When they leave just say “thanks again for all the gifts” or whatever it is you would usually say, that will cover it.

DH has transferred it to his own account before he transfers it to the joint one which makes me question how much DH is intending on keeping for himself anyway
I find this odd. Do you think he won’t tell you the whole amount?

My PILs did exactly this a few times. They gave DH large amounts of cash, but it was never mentioned or discussed in front of me. So I never mentioned it either - I thought it would be rude for me to say thanks for a gift that was not intended for me. But I did thank my DH when he put all the money in the joint pot.

Hmm I’d feel insulted if PILs gave me any sums of money for Christmas or other occasions. They gifted DH the occasional sums of money, not loads as FIL is very careful about how much he can gift to keep within the yearly allowance for tax purposes so he rotates between children every year for the allowed sum. As far as I’m concerned they can give him all they want and he is not obliged to tell me about it as it’s his present.
And I’d feel odd if my parents gifted DH any money also.
Maybe they’ve got some business transactions going on or some scheme to move money around to keep away from paying tax now or in the future if we are talking large and very large sums of money. Now that sort of thing would definitely bother me.

Surly the card with your gift is what you need so say thank you for.

Anything they have gifted your DH I would presume was for him alone. A parent should be able to gift a child what they like without a spouse claiming it. Wouldn’t even enter my head to presume a Christmas gift for DH was half mine simply because we are married.

Why would you do this and know it's probably going to cause problems? It's mean "this if for you" meaning both of you is how it should be. I'd be pissed off and wondering if they want to create a rift.