Totally crushed by this Christmas

[Honsandrebels]

I usually love Christmas but this year it has been miserable. Work has been tough, have a team member who has been harassing female staff and not dealt with by management. So feeling disillusioned with my long term employer for protecting an abuser over women. In addition, have found out about some family get together a I have not been invited to. I have always been the black sheep so not a new thing but gosh it hurts.
Am doing some soul searching wondering what I have contributed to the general shittiness. Have a nice pot of Christmas tea and do and the kids are happy. But feeling quite raw and upset.

Make sure you definitely consider the option that none of it whatsoever is because of you and may well just be other people being shitty. Sorry to hear work has been tough, I hope that all comes back and bites the harrasser on the arse, and that sounds heartless of your family. Is that a bit of a longer term problem?

Thanks for the tea @crankysaurus. I think things will defo catch up with the harasser and management at work. There are things I could do (report higher and to our professional body), I have been scared to do that but also so disgusted by how he has been protected.
With my family, yes that is a long term thing. My mum has a difficult relationship with her sisters and that has always coloured their attitude to me, although we have always gotten on superficially and no issues between us as far as I know. Just that I am never included. My siblings are. But like I said, I have always been in the role of black sheep.
I don’t help things by not proactively reaching out, but rejection hurts so much that I am afraid to.
Just having a giant pity party really! Usually I am happy doing my thing but it’s all got on top of me for some reason.

Christmas is like a lens for all that, I'm lying here wishing things were different with my family (as in my parents and siblings). It's not awful by any stretch but a long way from the chocolate box picture of a perfect family Christmas (which most of my aunts, uncles and cousins manage). Comparing against what could otherwise be lovely always ends up with a sad feeling. Hope you have some positives to focus on.

I hope you have a nice Christmas Day cranky, and regarding your relatives you don’t know what things are like on the inside of those lives. Not that you would hope they aren’t really that perfect, just that they can’t be, no one is and I bet there’s loads goes on behind the scenes.
I do have lots of positives, a lovely dh and dcs and pets

Fuck them OP! Nothing wrong with the black sheep, you just need to have your own back and love yourself. There problem is with themselves not with you. I send love, have a wonderful Christmas x

That's very true, Honsandrebels, I wouldn't wish unhappiness on any of them (as they are genuinely lovely) but your right, they have their own problems and things going on in their lives. I hope you have a good Christmas Day too 🎄

Thanks Ohplease and cranky. I usually do love and back myself, have spent years processing and growing so not sure why I have regressed so badly! Just on verge of tears all day today and feeling deeply unlikeable. Like the bad old days.
Off to see some lovely friends today which will be nice. Wishing you both a lovely Christmas.

Im sorry you’re struggling. I don’t understand why you’re aunts are anti you. Do you look like your mother or are you the only female or something?

My family is far from ideal. My mother is spending Xmas with my brother at her golden child’s house. I’m sure I’m being talked about in not nice terms at all by them. “You know what she’s like”.

I went nc with brother as he’s violent to me and both he and his wife were vile to dd and me... but it’s all my fault apparently. Including my brothers violence... The fact that the violence and threats we’re pretty severe in childhood, stopped for a while but restarted because he denies I’m disabled and chronically ill. Threats to deck me as I was collapsing on the floor in front of him. That sort of thing. My mother denies all the violence and says I was violent with him, so strong is her need to believe her son to be perfect - and herself. If she let herself believe the truth, she’d have to face what kind of mother she was, wouldn’t she?

I’m also feeling fragile today about it all today. I’m ill on top of being permanently ill. Big hugs.