Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Discarded at Christmas

15 replies

amethyst69 · 25/12/2019 00:56

My H and me had rowed on Friday and I in anger had shouted for him to get out and leave me alone. He went to a friend's and I thought he would return. On Saturday I found his old phone as he had got a new one. Unfortunately he must not have known messages stay on the phone not the SIM card. What I found has thrown my world into a spin - he has basically spent since April on Tinder and Kik whilst we were working on our marriage. Well one of us was. There were messages from various women and men including one woman he was messaging whilst we were on holiday, including sending her a picture of the I love you heart he had written for me in the sand. There are pictures and videos of him which he has clearly sent to all and the same in return. Along with a full web history of trying to find rooms. He moved from his friends and spent the weekend in a Travelodge and yesterday has got himself a room. I spent yesterday being told basically this had all been my fault because he had spent all year feeling I was pushing him away. He then began to give me a character tearing down and I know our relationship was not great this year but this is not the first time he had cheated and yes I was struggling. However if his head was in a raft of hook up sites I can't see how he could have been trying. Yet instead of feeling angry and telling him to f off I am lost, scared, confused and feel discarded. Everything was about him and how he felt and not about how I felt. In fact when I asked him how he thought I felt he said probably pleased. Why do I feel like this? It's like I'm trying to fix this completely unfixable situation because I thought we were going in the same direction. Last week we were looking at new tiles for the bathroom. Christmas Eve and I'm reeling from being told it's all my fault. I don't know what to do or how to think or feel.

OP posts:
pog100 · 25/12/2019 01:06

It's not all your fault obviously, but your relationship with this cheating, lying man is over. Walk on.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 25/12/2019 01:10

He's blaming you because it's easier than admitting he failed. He'll always say you drove him to it.

At least you know who he is now.

I hope you've got people to spend Xmas with. Just get through the next few days then sort out a solicitors appointment. This is on him, not you. X

Delbelleber · 25/12/2019 01:11

I think anyone would be upset in your situation. He has been very unthoughtful and cruel. But ultimately you can't go back now, even if you miss him In some way... You need to grieve and move on. Put this loser behind you and concentrate on a fresh start in the new year. Flowers

SoleBizzz · 25/12/2019 02:39

Eww he is vile

MsDogLady · 25/12/2019 04:01

He certainly has not been committed to working on your marriage.

He has a history of being a lying cheat and he is at it again. You rumbled him, so he is cruelly lashing out and and shifting the blame to you for his sleazy behavior. Don’t allow this manipulation. His infidelity is not a result of anything you did or didn’t do. He feels entitled to chase illicit sex and ego boosts. That is absolutely not your fault.

You’ve had a terrible blow, but life with this despicable man would drain and diminish you. Without him you will go from strength to strength.

amethyst69 · 25/12/2019 05:42

Thank you all. I need to keep the words 'His infidelity is not a result of anything you did or didn’t do' front and centre. Anything else around that truth is white noise. If he was that unhappy he could easily have left.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 25/12/2019 06:04

If it is any consolation, five years from now you will look back on this Christmas as having been the one you got your best ever Christmas gift! Finding out the truth about your lying pos husband.

He is a typical nasty little narcissist and if you can keep away from him for a few weeks, you'll soon find you feel much better about him being gone. In fact, you'll wish he'd left sooner!

I hope you have family n friends you can visit today to keep you company! But put the phone away and don't even think of contacting him. He sucks, fuck him!

Shouldbedoing · 25/12/2019 06:15

Check.you.lnow as much as possible about his finances. Hopefully you are now ahead of him.on a splitting up.plan because you caught him out, but dont now give him time to hide and move money away for his new life

KatherineJaneway · 25/12/2019 06:17

He knows he's in the wrong for messaging those other women so puts the blame on you. He's also using the row as a way to break up as he didn't have the balls to do it himself.

I'm sorry this is happening to you Flowers

SonEtLumiere · 25/12/2019 06:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amethyst69 · 25/12/2019 06:26

Happy Christmas to you too! Yes it will be the best gift and what a fantastic way of seeing today. I think its going to be a tough one as I am not seeing my family til tomorrow but if the weather is nice I'm going to take myself for a hike up a big hill. I have also thought that as he is holed up in a one room house share in our local rough town with only alcohol for company (and whilst I wouldn't wish that on anyone else) its what he deserves.

OP posts:
SonEtLumiere · 25/12/2019 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinktornado · 25/12/2019 07:47

Happy Christmas, op. Enjoy your hike and the first day of the rest of your (much more enjoyable) life.

amethyst69 · 25/12/2019 10:33

Have just popped in the read the supportive comments again following a big if a wobble. Thank you it means a lot. I did post not long ago about his behaviour but when I went to search for the post it had been deleted so I hope that doesn't happen again as sometimes it just a few words that makes the difference.

OP posts:
Ellathechristmasfairy · 25/12/2019 10:57

I separated from my exH a couple of days before Christmas years ago, it was the best present I could have ever had. I can promise you that you will feel the same next year. His lying and cheating is not in any way your fault, all the blame is on his shoulders.
Merry Christmas and enjoy your hike, exercise is bloody brilliant for working off anger.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page