Feeling uncertain and a bit overwhelmed

[CandlelightAndStars]

I've been seeing someone for around 6 weeks. We've seen each other 2 or 3 times a week; I've stayed over; he's told his friends about me - we have a few mutual friends and I've met others. He's going to visit family over christmas; I'm with my children but we have plans to see each other before the new Year.

He's lovely - kind, respectful, generous. He 'takes care of me' and makes me feel safe when I am with him.

I have aspergers. I have told him about some of my traits but not that they are due to aspergers. I have some sensory sensitivities and some social stuff. I'm not very good at reading people or situations so I'm having to work really hard at judging his feelings and intentions towards me. The evidence all suggests that he likes me so I'm reasonably comfortable with that.

He bought me a Christmas present. I told him I don't do presents - I don't give or receive (I buy for my children but I've pretty much trained everyone else I know and no one buys me anything). I feel bad that he bought me something and I didn't get him anything. My children told me he'd get me something because that's what other people do and even people who say they don't want anything do really. I don't understand that. Why would people say they don't want anything if they do? Anyway, now he has got Ken something and I didn't.

I'm feeling really anxious about it this evening. I feel like I should walk away from him and end it. I don't want to because I really like him but I have a terrible relationship history because I can't 'do' relationships. I'm rubbish at the 'social dance' aspect and all of this. He is lovely and deserves someone who is more 'functional' than me.

I feel like I'm going to let him down. I feel like I'm not certain how he feels whilst understanding that, after only 6 weeks, he probably doesn't really have any feelings beyond "i like spending time with her".

It's starting to feel overwhelming. I can't deal with uncertainty and relationships are always uncertain. I understand that no one knows what is going to happen 3/6 months down the line but I find it hard.

Life in general is uncertain, none of us know what's around the corner. Maybe you could offer to take him out somewhere as your gift to him?

You don't have to take the gift OP.

I understand dtha life is uncertain but it causes me such anxiety - the not knowing what is happening next - that I find it overwhelming and find it difficult to function or do things like eat. I get 'stuck'.

That's a good idea. I might do something with him when I see him next.

How would that work, BumbleBeee69?*

It would be rude to to accept a gift. I'd have felt more comfortable if he hadn't but he doesn't know why it is a big deal for me.

*not accept

So you've only been dating since mid October and you told him not to get you a present because you don't do presents, but he did anyway? Honestly I think it's fine that you didn't. I don't have Asperger's and if I'd been dating someone for 6 weeks I'd be having a panic about whether or not to buy them something.. I think that's pretty standard for most people in the early dating stage . Accept the present, say thank you and apologise that you didn't get him one because your understanding was that neither of you were buying.

If you're still together next year maybe consider changing your present policy: lots of people enjoy giving and receiving gifts do maybe try it out for his sake.

Mid November, but yes. Ok. That's ok then. I did thank him and said I don't do presents. He said he knew but wanted to get me something anyway.

Yeah, I could rethink it for next year but even thinking about that is making me anxious! How do you agree budgets or know what to get? The thought of getting someone something they didn't want or not matching budgets is too much. Which is why I dont do it. The anxiety outweighs any benefit for me!

By next year you would know him much better and he will properly understand that you don't want to do gifts!

I can really empathise with you in a way- I have autistic traits and it can get you down and be so stressful. Hugs xxxxx

The PP who suggested you take him out for a bite to eat made a good suggestion.

Are you getting any therapy for your anxiety? If you're on meds maybe you could go back and they can try something different?

OP, I don't do presents either. It's hard for people to understand, but I've found they do better if I explain that it is as if gifts were meat and I was a vegetarian.

Even if you think meat is lovely and you would love to receive it yourself, you would not give it or expect to receive it from a vegetarian, would you?

I have aspergers and totally understand how you feel. I think that neurotypical people don't always 'get it'. When we are stuck in our routines and ways (e.g not doing Christmas presents in your case) they don't realise how that change can make us feel uncomfortable. You haven't been seeing this guy for a long time and I think from his point of view he didn't understand and was just trying to be nice, he's clearly interested in you if he got you a gift. I would try to just take it with a pinch of salt, he won't be expecting anything back if you told him you don't buy presents anyway so don't stress yourself over it. If you're still together next Christmas he'll be more understanding of it, plus you never know you may know him well enough to see something small you think he'd appreciate and get him anyway!x

Do you think i should tell him about the aspergers?

I've been told that indont need to because I don't need to explain myself to anyone but it might make it easier for him to understand me?

I started dating my now dp 6 weeks before xmas. We didnt exchange gifts that year. It was way way too soon.

You dont have to reciprocate. Accept the gift, be gracious and move on. If he questions you, you can gently remind him you said no gifts. Then change the subject.

If he can't follow directions, and on top of that is someone who places social conventions ahead of what women explicitly ask him to do, then hes not for you anyway op. Not his fault, not your fault.

My dp also has autistic traits, he has a few small things that he doesn't "do". I am totally NT but for some attention problems - I'm very social etc - and you know what? I just do as I am asked, on the rare occasions he asks, and follow his lead. It's never been an issue.

You've done nothing wrong, hes actually made a faux pas here, but you can be gracious and give him space to not do it again. You dont have to fuck him off immediately. Hth. Anxiety is hard x

I am autistic, it’s my third Christmas with my partner and the first I have allowed Christmas gifts! But on the condition that he didn’t surprise me- we compromised on sharing a few items we wanted for the other to chose from under an agreed budget.

Tell him about the aspergers- one of the main ways that I knew mine would be a great partner was because he went away and read up on it and then asked me lots about how it works for me. He did this because he wanted to understand and support me and accepts me exactly as I am.

Wanting to buy you a gift this early on sound like just enthusiasm- I would take it as a positive sign and work from there. I feel you on the struggle with gifts though- my partners Mum tried to buy me a £500 item that felt way too much! I felt terribly awkward about both accepting or rejecting!!! It was such a complex scenario!

Please don’t think he’ll be offended. He really won’t. It’s very kind that he got you a gift but I agree with you that it’s too soon really. I agree with the poster that suggested taking him out another time to reciprocate. That’s a nice thing to do.
I also agree you should tell him about your Aspergers when you feel ready. He seems really kind from what you’ve said and I’m sure he’d want to know anything that would help him understand. I would.
Merry Christmas. He sounds like a nice guy