Can't get over him

[HL123]

Hi all, I met my ex when I was 18 and fell for him really quickly. The relationship was intense and didn't last long, but fast forward 12 years later and we've still been in contact, meeting up on and off.
Logically I know he is bad news - he's a serial cheat, has said some horrible things to me over the years, and has never made effort with me.
But when we have had good times he makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world, I've never met anyone else I'm so attracted to and I feel like I can't be without him.
He's just got together with someone new, I found her on social media and she's more beautiful and thinner than me. The thought of him with her makes me feel so awful.
I know I now need to get him out of my life but I've tried this so many times and always gone back.
Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation and successfully moved on?

Read back your own post. He sounds dreadful. You need to gain some self esteem and go no contact. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

Sounds like my ex, he basically has given his whole life to his ex girlfriend. He was on his own for years because no one compared to her and then he was with me, and still no one compared to her. His obsession with her ground me down and I am slowly trying to rebuild myself, he of course doesn't give two shits, because it was never about me.

And that is part of the problem, this obsession makes you selfish, it stops you from seeing what is in front of you, it justifies treating other people badly. It makes you this special person who lost a great love, rather than someone real, working with a real person and having responsibility to each other.

It doesn't matter how thin and beautiful someone is, it is being someone's first choice and although he is yours, you aren't his. I get it, it hurts, but you have to become your own first choice because there is no going back and you do yourself and your family and friends a disservice by taking so much from the people who invest in you every day. Maybe try and appreciate the little everyday things around you that people do, and see that the small, meaningful, regular kindnesses, really add up to a lot and actually have more value than a mythological relationship which doesn't help you grow.

I could have written your post Op. having your head know that your own heart had a death wish is a fate I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Sending so much love to you. Time - and total no contact - is the only healer xxx

@Capricornandproud Thankyou so much. Have you been able to move on? X

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation

No... and neither should you OP.. close the door and heal thy self Lady .. you deserve so much better .. please.. close the door

Think of this relationship as a drug. A drug that is really bad for you. It feels good in the moment, you feel a bit high and giddy for a bit, but ultimately you are left feeling shit and unhappy.

Any exposure to this drug, however tempting, reignites the addiction.

You need to cut this drug out of your life for good. It does you no good and makes you feel unhappy. You can't move on in your life with him there.

Cut him off like a diseased limb. Chop him out of your life. He will won't make you happy. The energy you expend on him is energy you could be directing towards positive things in your life.

Stop looking up his gf on social media, it'll only make you feel bad about yourself. You need to draw a line under this. I've had to go no contact twice. It was the only eat. Now I'm so glad I did.

*it was the only way!

@Deadsouls Thankyou. That is spot on - I have described to friends before as feeling like he's a drug, so high when I'm with him then a major comedown after. I saw him at the weekend for the first time in over a year, that's why I am struggling so much right now. We were having an amazing time until I discovered the truth about him being with someone new and the worst argument followed which has just broken me x

And I do think you can get over him. You think you can't, you feel you can't, you believe you can't. But you can. I suspect you won't really allow yourself to move on and let go. You need to put down the torch you're carrying for him.

The thing that struck me is your comment about She’s thinner than me.
So what?

If you have a healthy bmi don’t try and be dieting or some shite to make yourself thinner for that arse. He’s not worth your health and if you two were meant to be it would have happened by now after your rocky patch whether or not you are thin or not. He’s not for you. You are not for him.

He’s an arse.
You will meet someone better who doesn’t cheat and treats you with respect and loves you.

But in the words or Ru Paul ‘if you don’t love yourself how in the he’ll you gonna love someone else”.
The fact you are thinking about her size makes me think you don’t love yourself and perhaps have confidence issues.
Once you get over that I think you will be better placed to deal with boyfriends etc and have a better chance of happiness away from that arse ex.

Every man I have ever asked has always said they aren’t fussed how fat or thin someone was that they fancied it’s their personality that attracts them. Someone who is easy to talk to and laughs a lot.

Look up trauma bonding and see if it applies to your situation, I suspect it might

Its helpful to play the tape forward and remember how you are left feeling after you meet him.

Because the last meeting was relatively recent, you're still hurting, especially hearing that he is with someone else. It's a horrible feeling; why her and not me? It's difficult not to personalise it and make it about you not being good enough. It's not true or course, only your harsh judgement of yourself.

It'll take time for the feelings to fade and to properly grieve over the loss of the relationship or rather the fantasy of him and what it is you think he can give you.

You don't need him to 'choose' you to be happy or worthy or validated. He's just a person who you're giving too much power.

Remember the equation: 'x (his name) = pain

@NoArmaniNoPunani I've just read and article on it and do actually relate to it greatly.

Thanks so much for the supportive replies. I have been alone today and was starting to feel very desperate, and reading your comments has helped

@HL123. I know exactly how you feel. I’m just coming out the other side of something very similar with someone who is actually a massive prick but I’ve fallen hard for 😩. I’ve been NC for a week but still can’t stop looking him up on FB and checking his ‘last seen’ on WhatsApp. I’m teetering on the edge of messaging him tonight to say Merry Christmas (in the hope it will spark a convo) but giving myself a stern talking to and I’m determined not to do it. Be strong and walk away before it destroys you completely. Best of luck ❤️❤️❤️

@FlorenceJune sorry you're going through similar. Keep up the good work of avoiding messaging him, I know it takes a huge amount of willpower. Best of luck to you too x

@HL123. Thank you. It’s very hard and it’s left me pretty broken. My self esteem/worth is completely non existent right now but I’m trying hard to realise I AM worth more and I CAN get through this. It breaks my heart that he can just move on to the latest shag without a second thought but I’m done with doing the pick me dance and getting nowhere. He makes me feel like shit and I’m trying to remember that every time I’m tempted to try and message him. If I can do this, so can you ❤️ We both deserve someone so much better ❤️❤️

You are wasting your life and pining away on a fantasy. How sad. This man is shit and you know he's shit.

Yes I did. For 9 years. Then we got back in contact when I was single nearly 2 years ago and has brought me to near suicide until just a week ago. I’m completely NC again and just taking it hour by hour. In my head I know he’s a demon, I’m miles too good for him, I’f be setting myself up for a life of double guessing, doubt and worry. I KNOW this.

I also know that no-one since I was 19 has made me feel more alive, more beautiful or more loved than him and I’m 39 next week. However, I have a negative x 10 for every positive he ever gave me. I felt more alive because each time was a rush - mainly because I was never sure of when it all might finally come true and I wanted to believe what he was demonstrating was true. With exhilarting highs come crushing lows. Real love, and decent men, don’t make you feel like that. The sex was phenomenal. But again, lust shouldnt be confused for love nor should it excuse terrible behaviour. deadsouls is very wise indeed. You can get through it and every time I’ve weeped and cried I’ve forced myself to remember that it’s the him I wanted him to be that I’m missing. And forcing myself to remember that I never want to feel like this again - and the only reason I’ve been thoroughly miserable is solely because of him.

You can do this girl. Feel free to message any time. Xx

@Capricornandproud I'm so sorry you've been going through it too, and yes sounds so similar to my experience.
I'm glad you're managing no contact now - I know how much time can drag with that initially.
We had an awful argument Sunday morning - after I'd been at his since Friday and we were acting really coupley - during which he physically grabbed and pulled my arms (he's never laid a finger on me before then) and said some really horrible things. I had found out about this new girl the night before which he massively downplayed, then went downstairs in the morning and opened a Christmas card for him from her which I just knew would prove me right, and it did. It wasn't my business to open that but I obviously had my reasons, and when I told him what I'd done he made me feel so bad I have started to believe it was all my fault and I should apologise. I'm trying to stop thinking that way but I can't. I don't even feel I know right from wrong anymore.
I really wish you the best going forward, please feel free to message me too x