Want to leave- custody issues. Advice please

[LydiaAmbrose1]

I’m miserable in my marriage. It’s taken me a long time to realise that he’s projecting a lot of his issues onto me and nothing I ever do will be good enough. He has dreadful self esteem and hasn’t worked out yet that running everyone else down doesn’t make himself feel any better! I’ve asked him to go to counselling either with or without me and he won’t. The years I have spent with him have been more miserable than happy and now we have two young children, I’m finding his personality very hard to deal with. Our children are aged 3 and 1 and their age is complicating things. I’m not currently in work and I am reliant on him financially. I have savings and could walk away straightaway if I could find work quickly but it would involve relocating. I’m worried about the custody issues. If we split, I would want to move approx 85 miles away to be closer to my family and support network. That could mean my children are ferried up and down the motorway every weekend for the rest of their childhood. I don’t want that. It would be easier if he just cut contact but he won’t. I don’t actually think he’s a good influence on our sons at all. He’s a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde character. He has little time or patience for the children and expects far too much from our 3 year old. He yells at him for the stupidest things and has him in tears often. I know that as he gets older, it’s just a matter of time before he starts to dislike his dad and I’m concerned his own self esteem will be effected. I know courts always like to give both parties some custody and I suspect this is even the case if one parent is far from ideal. Given the 85 mile distance between us, what would likely be the outcome custody wise? What would he be likely to be awarded? Has anyone been in a similar position and what was the outcome? Would every weekend be likely or could I get it reduced to just school holidays? Obviously I want to minimise his contact as much as I can because I don’t think he’s good for any of us. It’s not a case of a mother using her children to get revenge, this is about a mother wanting to protect herself and children from harm (albeit psychological)

Protecting children from psychological harm is important. He's already abusing them as well as you.

Have you talked to Women's Aid? Or Rights of Women?

Can you see a solicitor? Ideally one who understands domestic abuse.

Do remember that it is usually the parent who moves away who has to do all the travelling.

And EOW is a very likely scenario

So factor that cost/time into your projections. Can you really not find work closer?

Thank you both. I’ve not spoken to Women’s Aid or anyone like that yet. I guess one of my main concerns is that that the psychological effects are hard to prove. It could be one word against another. Does EOW mean every other weekend? I think that probably is a likely outcome, but his working hours are extremely irregular and he often works weekends so I guess that could mean he sees them less. I didn’t know the parent who moves away usually has to do all the travelling. I could probably get work much closer, but it was more the fact that I’d need to be near to my family and support network. If I worked closer, it would mean me and the kids weren’t having to travel so much, but then I guess he could ask to see them more? Do they award custody every other weekend so that both parents get to enjoy some weekends with their kids? I’d like some weekends too because otherwise I’d just be doing school runs and having little time to do fun stuff with the kids

I can't answer your questions about long term child contact but I left my partner a few months ago and moved 75 miles away with my two children (similar ages to yours). The interim arrangements for child contact are for their dad to travel down to visit every other weekend, however there are safeguarding issues to do with emotional abuse so contact is supervised by family.

The age of the children means that contact is frequent but short eg 2 hours maximum so that is why he has to travel at the moment. It'll be a long and expensive process through the family court to get arrangements settled but it's so worth it! Life is good

I don’t actually think he’s a good influence on our sons at all. He’s a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde character. He has little time or patience for the children and expects far too much from our 3 year old. He yells at him for the stupidest things and has him in tears often

This is the exact situation I was in and partly why I left my ExH. The courts are taking emotional abuse of the children very seriously and so far I haven't had to provide any evidence.