Why is he texting out daughter things that basically make me to her incompetent

[inthedarkX]

So yesterday my ex who left me text our oldest daughter who is 13
'Did you get dragged out to Asda or stayed in'
Because he knew I had to do the xmas shopping and I don't drive, he expects me to ask him for help with shopping ect because he drives but he left me for another woman and I don't want his help with shopping so he text my daughter That. He seems to think that I shouldn't be taking my kids shopping and that I should be asking him to do the shopping for us instead. Now my daughter makes comments like 'oh daddy offered to do you shopping and you always refuse' and says 'no wonder your in debt' and she says these things only coz he's texting her messages like this. It makes me being a parent to her harder and he's ruining me and my daughters relationship. He's basically giving her an adult role.
I told him to stay away from us during Xmas out of anger because I think whys he's said is out of order and he makes me out to feel so small in front of my daughter

Tell him if he involved the kids in putting you down he will be. Locked they don’t need to carry that shit

It's parental alienation.

Get screen shots and diarise all the details, including the impact on your daughter - what she says, her attitude to you as a result.

As she is already 13, I wouldn't wait to long to put this before family court. Can you afford a solicitor?

Don't bar contact out of anger - play this very carefully - stopping contact for anything but immediate physical danger will play right into his hands in family court.

By the same token, don't be afraid to (in an age appropriate way) correct his lies. So many women make the mistake of thinking that "not involving the children" means allowing the ex's lied to go unchecked. It's a kindness to correct the lies, as it means that, having lost one useless parent through feckless abandonment, they don't lose the good parent through alienation.

"I don't want Dad to do my shopping for me because we're not together anymore so it's inappropriate and I don't want to rely on him, he has his own life now."

It's not unusual to take kids shopping whether you're married or a lone parent - helping with chores is normal life.

Correct her where appropriate and reduce your contact with him so he has the least ammunition possible.

Yes, correct the worst of this:

'Dad doesn't live with us any more, which is why the shopping is nothing to do with him'

'Don't worry about debt, that's for the grown ups to deal with'

But do not make your DD unavailable for contact over Christmas. He might be a shit to you, but that's no reason to take it out on DD by limiting her relationship with her DDad

Get a lawyer and present these texts to a judge

AuntieStella's responses are better than mine.

Screenshot the messages and have a word with your DD. Tell her that her father no longer lives at home and therefore the responsibility for getting the shopping in is the responsibility of the people that live in your home. Furthermore, you are a team that means you support each other and that includes going to the supermarket and getting the food in. You work your arse off to provide for her and temporarily that includes a level of debt that you aren’t happy with but independence is a price worth paying.

He’s gaslighting you, don’t fall for it, his shitty comments can only make you feel small if you let them.

You are doing the best you can and no one can expect more of you than that.