How to support him?

[Whiskeylover45]

DH went NC with his family nine months ago. Many reasons but the main is how they manipulated and emotionally abused him, them using DS and DSD as a means to get at us, caused huge problems in the lead up to our wedding, pulled him down, caused drama while he was fighting cancer. I could go on. Theres drug and alcohol problems as well, which just compound the reasons.

He has changed his number and were looking to move soon, which while drastic will prevent them turning up at the door causing a scene (yes they've done this. Last time they were told that if they did it again, we would ring the police).

In the main he is coping well, but today was really down about not seeing them at xmas; as to quote him, "christmas is about family." Hes reminded himself as to the reasons he went NC, and is soldiering through. Just wondering if anyone has been in this situation and can offer any tips to help him?

I've given him a cuddle, listened to him, helped him explore his thoughts. I just feel helpless. It's easier for me as they arent my family, and it's also sad seeing him this way as we should be celebrating, as this time last year we didn't know if he would be around to celebrate this christmas. Yet hes in remission, hes been told there is 80% chance of never getting it again, and is looking towards a bright future watching his children grow up.

So for this reason, I just feel incensed that despite being unrepentant at all the trouble they've caused, they've still bringing him down and making him feel worthless.

I know there is nothing more I can realistically do than what I've already have, that it will get easier and the first xmas will be the hardest, and just focus on making this christmas extra special for him, try and take his mind off it. I dunno what I'm asking, I guess I just needed a rant.

Thanks for listening

Can you distract him with activities with the kids? Talking about being lucky to be here would probably bring him down too as it's obviously brilliant to survive a life threatening illness but it can also bring you down with all sorts of crazy thoughts even when your through the worst.

I would focus on being positive and distracting him. Go out and do lots of stuff, sing Carol's with the kids, play games and dont mention his family or illness. Merry xmas.

That's a thought, DSD is coming over on the 27th for our week (it's her mums turn for xmas this year) so got a few days out planned. I'll do that thank you. I hadn't thought about mentioning his illness would bring him down, which I'll apologise for when he gets in from work. Just in my mind it's a cause to celebrate. But I recognise he may not see it that way, so I won't bring it up from now.

Thank you, and merry christmas to you :)

Life is too short to fallout with his family despite your reasons, perhaps he is realising this. Support him to make peace, he sounds like he wants too.

I did tell him that if he wanted to try and make peace, I would support his decision regarding them. It was his choice to go NC, not mine. He told me he would rather leave it. Given how they treated him and used our kids as a means to beat us with, involving them when they shouldn't have, I dont blame him for it. We cant control how they behave, but we can protect the kids from it. However I have made it clear I'll support him if that's the road he wants to go down, and I did mean it. But thank you for your advice, anyway, I'll take it on board

Life is too short to fallout with his family despite your reasons, perhaps he is realising this. Support him to make peace, he sounds like he wants too.

^ whereas I'd say life is too short to put up with shit from people who are supposed to care about you. Those very same people would be aghast if you treated them in the way they treat you and they'd never dare to treat friends that way but as we are family we are supposed to just put up with it!

We don't see my immediate family at all anymore so have started going to see a musical on Boxing Day and going somewhere nice for dinner. It's something we can all look forward to and people seem to question you less about why you aren't having the big family Christmas that for some reason everyone expects.

Well that's shit advice, EsmeSwan, encouraging someone to bring abusers back into their life.

In my view anybody who abuses you is not family. And people who use "but they're family" to excuse and minimise abuse are despicable.

bloomburher that's how we both see it. His cancer really threw things into perspective. His family know exactly what they are doing, and revel in it. But like I said I'll support my husband regardless of what he wants to do. Their behaviour is nothing new, and wouldn't change imo.

Thank you for your advice, were going out for a meal on boxing day. Then DSD is coming up the day after which I know hes looking forward too. A musical sounds wonderful, may bear that in mind next year

Thanks iknow like I mentioned before, that's how we see it. It wasnt so much about the bust up nine months ago, as in it's more to do with their repeated, erratic behaviour

Keep supporting your H in his decision to have no contact with his family of origin. He would not tolerate this from a friend, his family are no different.

I would encourage your H to look at the "out of the Fog" website. Remind him often that it not his fault his family of origin are toxic and he did not make them that way.

Have a look too at the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages and encourage him to have a look at/read some of the books mentioned at the start of that thread. He could start by reading "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward and you could read "Toxic Inlaws" written by the same author.

He may also want to see a therapist; BACP registered ones can be good but he needs to interview such people carefully and at length beforehand. He needs to see someone with no familial bias. These people are like shoes in that he needs to find someone who with fit in with his approach.

That's brilliant Atillia thank you!

Hes already downloaded toxic parents which did help I think, but I'll encourage him to look at the others if he brings it up again. I've ear marked a particular thread, where the OP had gone NC with her family, knew it was right, but felt sad, to show him when he gets in . I do get it, though, you cant turn your emotions off just like that

attilia hes on the waiting list to see someone, I think it will help. Unfortunatly we cant afford for him to go private, so will just try and support him the best way I can in the meantime till he gets an appointment

@EsmeSwan - Going NC is often for very good reasons - ones that you possibly thankfully have never had to deal with.

@Whiskeylover45 - Don't give up on going private yet: many psychotherapists will offer significantly lower rates, even if they don't advertise them. It is always, always worth asking.

afistfulofDolorus I'll bear that in mind and look into it in the new year, thank you!