Am I controling

[RumRunner125]

In May my now Ex partner up and left with the kids while I was away working. It was a tremendous shock and knocked me for six, I tryed everything to find her and try to understand whats going on without success. I have not seen my babies for nine months and not spoken to them for seven months. The last time I saw them I knew something was wrong and a lot of signs where there looking back on it now. The little information I have found out is that apparently I was abusive and controlling. I red some of the posts on here and to be honest I do not recognize these behaviors in me and was shocked by what i red. But I m not arrogant to dismiss her allegations completely as I guess we all look at things differently.

1. I encouraged her to go out meet new people
2. Never told her what to eat wear or do
3. We did have a few pyshical arguments years before from both sides something i was never proud of this but the last 3 years nothing
4. I been up and down emotionally from a break down 3 years before which i was diagnosed clinically depressed with the side affect of high anxiety. Was prescribed medication but once i felt better i stopped taking it which I ve now leant was a mistake.
5. We have 4 children 2 of them biologically ours and 2 of them from her previous relationship. I am a really good Dad to mine to be honest I find it incredibly hard to bond with her 2 and vice versa. I found myself increasingly less tolerant to them. They are great kids but I think i can say this with some confidence that it always seemed forced never been a father before this I found it really hard.
6. I love her so much but I can let go for the sake of the children but she has completely disappeared of the rador and I m in bits no closure no explanation.
7. I work hard and do my best but when I come home the house was a tip not messy from kids playing but increasingly really dirty. Instead of keeping my mouth shut I would go off on one which I know I shouldn't have.

The worst part is that i feel like friends of ours know more than they are letting on and I sense they look at me differently now and can't wait to get away from me. Its made me feel like maybe I am a monster I m questioning everything from my mental state to my appearance. The more i defend the little I do know the more guilty i look I m not good at expressing myself.

Physical arguments?

What do you mean ' less tolerant' of her children?
Did you shout/ say terrible things to them/ treat them differently to yours?

You have 2 children but you are reeling from a break up 3 years ago.

Stop asking is she is being unreasonable, see your GP. Take the meds and do the therapy.
Stop using women as your therapist.

When we first met she attacked me with a bottle punched me when i was holding our first newborn just metion a few but i did defend myself never punched or kicked her. She use to really trash all my family and friends which would over longer periods of time provoke a reaction. I am ashamed to say i use to shout at her children which I did tone down over the relationship but I know it is unacceptable I only had my Dad as a reference and he was very old fashioned I guess the apple does not fall far from the tree

We broke up 7 months ago not 3 years ago I had breakdown 3 years ago. I m looking for advise sorry to offend you

Don’t be looking for advise as a man on here. Everything you type will be twisted by people who have no understanding of your situation (to be fair, there is no way they could from a forum post) and as the man everything you say will be wrong and your ex will be 100% faultless by virtue of being a woman.

I have just learned I am not “allowed” to see my kids this Christmas, by email, five minutes before the lawyers close for Christmas.

Ignore the comments that will follow on here, look after yourself and maybe seek some counselling in the new year.

The reality is if she wants to clear off with your children and no explanation nothing or no one is going to stop her.

Chin up

Not punching or kicking her isn't really the bar to set yourself. It leaves slapping, hairpulling, pushing, and all manner of other things open, for a start.

From what you've said, you've been mentally ill but stopped taking medication so they had to deal with your symptoms (were you self medicating by any chance?), been verbally abusive at her older children and would be at least verbally abusive when you walked in the door.

Sounds like she's 'disappeared' for her own safety and the safety of her older children.

Did she have post natal depression after having any of her children? Is she always violent?

Under what circumstances did she punch you while you held your (and her own) newborn?

I find that incredibly hard to believe - especially given you also say you regularly shouted at her children, and had "physical fights", which I doubt is the full of it.

She attacked you with a bottle when you'd "just met"? How on earth did that come about? Why'd you agree to a 1st date having just been bottled by her?

If you want to see your children, you'll see a solicitor, have a pi track then down if necessary, put an application through family court and force their return and/or access. Rather, you've come to the women of mumsnet, looking not for solutions, but sympathy.

Is she a mumsnetter, by any chance?

Actions speak louder than words.

' Was prescribed medication but once i felt better i stopped taking it which I ve now leant was a mistake.'

Have you seen your GP again and started them again now?

Mneh. Don't buy it. I've heard enough abusers trying to paint themselves the victim, and my disbelief of your posts has nothing to do with "man-hating".

What cleaning and housework did you do? Or were you too busy kicking off about your housekeeper's inadequacies to actually pull your weight?