Apologies for insanely long post but just need some advice, thoughts or kick up the bum, whatever’s going!
I’m struggling with marriage at the moment.
Background: My now husband moved straight from his parents into renting with me about ten years ago. He was never great with anything practical around the house as his parents (SAHM and handy father) had never asked anything of him.
He would sometimes wash up, hoover, shop and we got along ok as there weren’t that many things to be done. Anything “non-routine” e.g insurance, dentist appts, buying things for the house, looking into moving flats, planning holidays, fell to me.
We have since grown up a bit (at least in years!) and now have two under two. He loves and dotes on them and will look after them (only one at a time at the moment though) but nothing has changed around the house. I am still the one doing all the non-routine things which now includes child things (nursery, appts, car seat comparison, buying clothes) and planning for the future in terms of savings. I also do the bulk of the housework. Some of that is fine - I’m on mat leave and have more time around the house to do them (he works 3x 12 hour shifts a week).
Still, I am very resentful of being the one carrying all the mental load in the relationship which now includes the children. I have brought it up lots of times but nothing has changed. I don’t think he really “gets it” as he has never had to think like that.
Additionally, I have always felt that there is some sort of ‘barrier’ to him changing - sometimes I’ve wondered re social communication difficulties (I am trained and work in this area so not just a random statement!) or, to be honest, mild learning difficulties. It’s things like him not being able to change how he does things even when told and explained many times why it should be done a certain way - for instance needing to strap the children tightly into the car seats for it to be safe, or a certain programme on the washing machine only being able to handle a half load of clothes. There are many many many things like these, some important, some less so as I do often want things done the ‘right’ (i.e “my”) way as well, I’ll absolutely admit that! However, I am so frustrated by this and he obviously feels I am nagging him. Lately, anyhting he does do (e.g today I asked him to wrap three small presents for the neighbours as I have a chest infection) makes him “stressed” and grumpy.
It takes him so so long to do any task as well, with no “second gear”, for instance when he very occasionally makes dinner (which is great and he often makes a nice meal) he very careful prep, no multitasking (e.g no chopping carrots while the water is heating), and him standing beside the pot for the duration of the cooking time even when nothing needs done while I’m wrestling the two (hungry) little ones.
When watching (one of) the children, nothing else is done. I often manage to juggle the two of them and get some things done around the house, maybe a load of washing, some bits of tidying and the washing up for instance. He sees it as “I couldn’t because I was looking after the baby”. However, he always finds time to sit on the couch and watch TV or go on his phone even if he is looking after a child. This really really really gets me down and our house is always such a tip. He is also extremely quick to go for a “lie down” in bed for an hour or more without checking if he’s needed.
Social communication wise, he is extremely poor at talking about emotions and can just about manage ‘happy’ and ‘grumpy’ although often argues that “nothing’s wrong” when he is clearly unhappy. Discussing any relationship issues with him is met by him throwing the same thing back at me (Me “I feel that you don’t always x”, Him: “Well you don’t x either you know!”) in a way that always escalates it to a fight. He says he has no concerns whatsoever about the relationship and nothing he wants me to change (this is consistent over time), so I really struggle to get anywhere. I know for a fact I’m not perfect either!
I feel ok about our relationship some of the time - he really isn’t a bad person, just frustrating - other times I wish he lived elsewhere as his presence just frustrates me.
Lastly, leaving him would mean leaving my only social support network (his family) as my family are in a different country and no way would he let me take the children abroad to live (understandably from his pov). I also have no really close friends outside of his family.
I’m just so lost and feel like there may not be any fix to this. Any thoughts?