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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Online affair

18 replies

Heartbroken1980 · 24/12/2019 12:03

I'm absolutely heart broken and need advice please. I just found out my husband is having an online affair with a lady he meet nearly 20 years ago..... We are together 17 years and has been going on seen I met him. 6 years ago I found loads of porn on his laptop and he told me he was addicted to porn but would stop looking at it and stupid me believed him. He said the lady he is having the online affair with was helping him through it and again stupid me believed him. Now I found dick pics and he told me him and her have been sending sex videos and pictures all this time. I'm beyond heart broken. We have 3 young kids 4-8 and still love him but I don't know what to do. I don't want to break up but also I can never trust him again and what's a relationship without trust??? What should I do? My life is falling down around me

OP posts:

Luckingfovely · 24/12/2019 12:34

He's cheated on you for the whole of your relationship.

I can't imagine how devastating this must be, but you will never have any peace or self respect again if you don't leave him immediately.

Your entire life with him has been a lie. Time to build a better life for yourself and your kids.

Original poster

Heartbroken1980 · 24/12/2019 13:01

I don't know if I can...... . We had what it thought was the "prefect" life. Would counselling help.

OP posts:

anotherdisaster · 24/12/2019 13:04

It was far from the perfect life. He has been lying to you for 16 years. He won't change and you'll never be able to trust him again. That is no way to live. YOu could try counselling but I would suggest doing it alone!

MMmomDD · 24/12/2019 13:47

He was having an online imaginary friend. If in 20 years they didn’t make any effort to meet or be together - it’s just that - some sort of fantasy and an escape from reality.
Not sure why a life of three little children needs to he destroyed over this if all this time you and him have been happy in this life that is the only real life there is.

But of course - his need for that fantasy and hiding it from you is something that needs addressing. And yes - this can be done in counselling - and I’d say he needs individual as well as you both need a joint counselling to open up and talk about things that have been hidden and unspoken.
It is possible that you can find a way to change your marriage and find a new more honest path.
Have you ever heard of Estel Perel? She is a counsellor working with couples and she writes and does Ted Talks on the state of modern marriage and how it is evolving.
An interesting read - and gives interesting ideas about how some of our expectations of long term relationships might not be completely realistic. But that doesn’t mean marriage can’t survive and be different.
Good luck

Crazybunnylady123 · 24/12/2019 14:00

Personally I would leave if my dp did this, I wouldn’t be able to get over it even if I wanted to.
I know it’s not always black and white when feelings are involved but is this man worth anymore of your time? Do you think he will actually stop this and how can you trust him?
Poor you

Chocolate123 · 24/12/2019 14:25

Your life might have looked perfect and for you it was but he has lied your entire relationship. You and your kids deserve better. No way I could have anything to do with him ever again

Original poster

Heartbroken1980 · 24/12/2019 19:24

I got my information today about the affair.... She lives the other side of the world but meet while they were travelling before he meet me. He said she is into stuff that he has a fantasys about ie anal, threes some and basically talking dirt about these things. He said he felt it was like a porn fantasy and because she was the other side of the world he felt it was just that porn. They have exchanged photos and video clips all the time I was with him he said sometimes they would go months without having any contact but then they might be in contact up to 5 times a day. He said he has no feelings for her. He said it is that he has a porn addiction. I absolutely torn in two because I'm thinking of my kids and he is a wonderful father and no matter what I love him. I told him we need to separate and he was uncontrollable crying asking is there anything he/we can do. My life has just fell apart

OP posts:

Jsku · 25/12/2019 02:08

You are in shock and it must be terrible.
You can’t really make any decisions in this state. You need time to process and reflect.
Not ideal given the holidays.

Hold on in there. And remember - you both are still parents and tomorrow you’ll need to pretend and act out the magic of Xmas. And then pretend some more until you decide what to do.
Kids can’t know or be part of the adult suffering at this stage.

For what it’s worth - personally I would be hurt but it won’t be a deal breaker, considering the kids and the fact that you actually had many happy years.
Your H was a idiot - but this was not a real affair. It was more like porn that went a bit further. In my book - fantasy isn’t the same as a relationship with a real life woman across the street.
But we are all different.

Original poster

Heartbroken1980 · 25/12/2019 08:10

Thank you so much for your support.... I'm too embarrassed to tell any friends. The shock has subsided a bit and I'm even beginning to feel sorry for him (silly I know) he just sat on the sofa all night crying. Up to this point he was the kindest attentive husband you could ask for. He has promised he will go to intensive counselling and go back to an old style phone. I certainly have not made my mind up yet to what's the next step but the thoughts of breaking up our family just doesn't seem like something I can do. I spoke with the lady he wss speaking to online and sge stated absolutely no emotion was involved and it was just fantasy. I do feel he wasn't attracted to her at all and just she like to talk like he did. Thanks again

OP posts:

Stressedout10 · 25/12/2019 08:20

No he wasn't he doesn't give a shit about you or your DC.
He has lied and cheated on you since day 1
He is only sorry because you told him to go. If he really had any feelings for you and his affair was just interactive porn he would have stopped it 6 years ago but no he lied and kept on with her !

Jsku · 25/12/2019 10:15

What a ridiculous thing to say - Stressedout.
OP’s H had a guilty secret. Sort of a personal place where he went for some wanking. Place of habit from the years before he met his W.
However - this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love his wife or his children. By OP’s own account they had a happy marriage - day in and day out for years. And that - being present in that is what matters.

Stressedout10 · 25/12/2019 10:24

Really lieing and sexting another woman throughout the entire marriage is ok really?

wherearemymarbles · 25/12/2019 10:43

OP - dont lose sight of the fact you dont have to make a decision today, or tomorrow or next month. Take time. You might be able to forgive or you might not. Allow yourself the time to make that decision.

Sorry you are going through this but what i would say is that as it has been going on since before you met its habit and doesn't really reflect how he feels about you.
Doesnt make it ok of course.

Luckingfovely · 25/12/2019 11:19

Really good point from @wherearemymarbles.

It's not a now or never decision. You can take years to make a choice, if you want to. Take all the time and help you need. You clearly are not in a frame of mind to make a major decision right now.

And I along with others was straight in the wtf leave immediately camp - that's just how we would handle it. Do what you need to. And hope you manage some happiness today.

Jsku · 25/12/2019 11:32

Stressedout

No one says it’s ok to do it.
Just that it doesn’t automatically turn him into a villain who doesn’t love his children. Or his wife. Confirms that he is an imperfect human. But not more than that.

OP already feels terrible and is in great pain. Why make it even worse for her kicking her further. 🤷🏻‍♀️
She needs time to figure it all out on her own.

2Rebecca · 25/12/2019 12:11

I disagree. For me sex is an important part of marriage. Him talking about and thinking about sex with another woman is a very intense affair. Whether or not their bodies actually touched is irrelevant

Interestedwoman · 25/12/2019 12:57

'No one says it’s ok to do it.
Just that it doesn’t automatically turn him into a villain who doesn’t love his children. Or his wife. Confirms that he is an imperfect human. But not more than that.'

It's pretty bad and sleazy, though.

Jsku · 25/12/2019 13:15

2Rebecca

Do you think your partner only thinks of you when he wanks? No one can be absolutely and only focused on their partner all of the time for all things sexual.
Images around us, attractive people around us - enter our dreams and fantasies. And that doesn’t make it into affairs.

His went a step further. The fantasy was a live person. However - in 20 years neither of them made any steps to actually do anything in real life. And this pretty much confirm that for both of them this was only a fantasy and not real.

People who have intense affairs seek out their affair partners and sacrifice their family lives for that. They prioritise the affair over their home lives and their partners sense things aren’t right. Sex lives also change - either suffer or become more intense, etc.

OP’s H did not have an intense affair. He had a low grade long term porn habit.

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