To divorce over this?

[Shadowboy]

Been married 7 years, together for 17. Three lovely kids, mortgage etc.
OH has told me he wants more sex- some months we only have sex once a month. He wants it at least weekly- says it means a lot to him. Says he can’t keep going like he is- he feels humiliated and lonely having to use the bathroom when he needs to.... I can tell he was genuinely upset- really genuinely upset. However, I have zero sex drive. Nothing. I feel like I could go a year and not be bothered. We are on two opposite scales. Do I pretend- do the deed weekly- and keep what is in all other respects a good marriage together. Or do I end it. It seems so drastic but I don’t think it is fair to drag it out if we are just simply not going to be happy with the physical situation?

If your marriage is otherwise good perhaps try counselling before splitting

Have you considered possible reasons for your lack of sex drive? What contraception do you use?

Are you out of the house through the day. Just wondering if you are mixing with people at work, is there gossip banter? Or at home alone or only in a caring environment so sexual attraction is non existiant in your life.

Don't pretend, that would be soul destroying.

FWIW I am the husband in this scenario, and would rather go without than feel DW was forced into it. I was set to end my marriage over it, but was going to wait until DCs were older. Unfortunately DW has a chronic condition now, so that plan is out.

If you're truly not compatible, and counseling may help in this regard. It may be better to split now before health forces your hand.

Have you always had no sex drive? If this is relatively recent then it could be hormones.

Do you enjoy affection? Are the children young?

If you just accept your lack of libido as an unchangeable fact then it will end your marriage. You need to investigate why you have no drive and what could be done about it - visits to doctors, counselling, more romance and time as a couple. You need to work on it yourself and together with him if you want to save your marriage.

Do you enjoy sex when you have it? Is it fulfilling for you?

At least you've picked up that he is genuinely upset rather than just dismissing it as typical male behaviour as many on here do. You DH, like many men, needs regularly sexual intimacy to feel loved and wanted. And as previously said by some male posters it needs to be wanted not forced.

Please treat this as a serious threat to your marriage.

Unsure of your age, could you be experiencing peri menopause symptoms?

When you are having sex with him do you have any enjoyment or just go through the motions?

This is a really tough one. While I think it’s soul destroying to pretend, I was the one whose partner didn’t want sex for nearly three years (I’m female) and THAT was also soul destroying.

However at least your husband has acknowledged it and raised it. Do you feel able to discuss your total lack of interest in it? I feel so sorry for you feeling like this. It’s the worst.

Do you otherwise get on as friends?

I would divorce on the basis that he is asking you to have sex with him because he wants it, regardless of the fact he knows you don't want it. You're not there to provide him with a service. It's a horrible way to view someone you love. Really disgusting tbh. If he'd said I understand your libido is low, can we look at ways we might increase it, can I do anything for you - learn to massage, for example as a way to increase intimacy and physical contact, consciously increase cuddling and talking etc then great - that'd be thinking about improving things as a couple. But to ask you to basically let him have a go on you more often, yuck, fuck off.

Yep to reconsidering your contraception if your on some

My 21 year partnership/ marriage ended because of this. I just wasn’t interested, I tried and I didn’t enjoy it. In the end he didn’t want to be in a marriage that was more like being friends. It’s sad but I couldn’t do anything to change it. It appears to be common for women in long term relationships.

If you’d rather not have sex but other aspects of marriage work well - how about opening up your marriage?
This way you aren’t forced to do what you don’t want to, and he gets to have his needs met.

Thanks for all the replies. To answer some questions.
It all started when I had a cyst removed ‘down there’ in 2012 and the scar tissue meant sex was incredibly painful. Over the years and 3 kids later things are better but it’s still painful at times. I’m also shattered - full time job and three children 2-6 years old means I’m much more interested in sleep to be honest. I am also one of these people that gets touched out very quickly- so by the time the kids have clambered on me all day and I’ve sorted food, work etc I just want sleep and my anti-contact feelings get exemplified.

I think I may be a lost cause! I don’t want my OH to feel the way he does but I’m just not into sex really, it’s the last thing on my mind.

I’m sure you are exhausted with 3 young children. Does he help out fairly.
He was honest with you at least and has been clear what his needs are.
You are clear what your needs are.
It’s not compatibly for you both.
It may need to end.

Okay things will get better with the kids as they get older in terms of tiredness.

Of course you won't be wanting sex if it is painful, have you raised this with your GP and does your husband know it is still painful? Do you have any non-penetrative sexual intimacy?

Sorry for the questions but it feels like there are lots of options to explore here and advising you to give up before we know that you've tried to address these and they haven't helped would be premature.

I think you can get through this if you prioritise this and are honest with your husband.

Right the dr for painful sex hopefully they help that .

Do you use lube ?
If you dont get some and use loads .

Try different positions try find one that does not hurt .
Sexual counseling could help as well.

Does he share the load with childcare and the house?

It's no wonder you have zero interest sexually if you're exhausted and sex is likely to hurt.

If he pulls his weight then it seems worth going to the doc and seeing if there's help for your lost libido. If he doesn't, he needs to start.