Considering divorce

[AwakeAmbs]

I really need some help and support. I’m at my breaking point in my marriage and want to leave. We have two kids. His mother has emotionally abused me for 10 years and interfered in our lives. He won’t face up to it. He never initiates sex. I feel like he is my brother not my husband.
Is there any point any more?

Have you sat him down and told him how you’re feeling?
Also - any positives / reasons to stay?

I have spoken to him along the way. The main issue has been his parents being controlling and micro managing and causing me so much stress.

I sent him a long email 3 days ago and he has acknowledged it but not even hugged me or said “let’s make this work” or anything

Positives are we do work well as a team in the marriage and we have two beautiful girls and I do care about him as a person, he is a good dad and supports us.

I’m stay at home mum and I home educate so really not sure how that work work.

*would work

Sounds to me like the problem is his parents, not him. Any way you can sit down and have a proper conversation about it with him? It seems a shame to throw away a marriage and potentially punish him when he's not done anything wrong x

Thanks, yes I agree, the main problem is definitely his parents.

I will sit him down after Xmas and try to see if we can work it out and make a plan. I basically feel that to continue I need personal distance from his parents because it’s affecting my wellbeing now due to their boundary crossing in the past.

So my suggestion in the email was me going low contact with them and he takes kids to see them some weekends etc, in effect I’m divorcing them.. if we can get this in place I feel there could be a way forward

The issue is starting to affect my view of him though as he is just ignoring the problem and letting them interfere. So if I want a boundary set I have to do it alone which is hard and stressful..so I feel like we aren’t a team and I feel alone and frustrated.

He let them come into the recovery room after I just gave birth and I said “no I don’t want visitors” yet he allowed it and I felt violated and still have trauma and cry about it 6 years on. I’m so so angry with them all. She grabbed baby and started saying thank you!! Thank you for my grandchild. And proceeded to dress baby in first clothes without asking. I was unable to move and was completely in shock so just lay there in horror.

She sounds like an awful woman with no boundaries or respect for you.

My first thought when reading that though was maybe he's been emotionally manipulated by her so he feels the need to please her? This would explain why he goes against what you said because it's what she wants. She's got him wrapped around her finger, which isn't necessarily his fault.

You're not talking about him like someone you want to divorce, you still sound like you love him very much. I think having a lot of distance between you and MiL is a good idea. See how that goes x

Thank you so much for your comment

That’s helpful

Yes I think deep down I do love him

This issue is just like a toxic thing that’s spread to us

You’re right, there is definitely emotional manipulation there, she will do stuff like buy all his clothes and then say “I bought your clothes, and you won’t visit this weekend?” In a loud voice and everyone looks uncomfortable and tries to appease her.

I’m the only person who has stood up to her as far as I can see, because if you say no to her she turns from over nice to angry really quickly.

I actually suspect she might have some narcissistic qualities or even full on npd

Thank you x

Oh dear. It sounds as though your MIL is my actual mother. I really feel your pain.
Like you, I’m the only person to stand up to her. My mother is vile, manipulative. Thank goodness we live in different countries now. Low or no contact for you is perfectly acceptable. Your dh relationship with his parents is up to him.
Enjoy every second of not having them around and just let your dh get in with it. Don’t waste another second of your Christmas Eve on their poisonous ways. I remember just how consuming it can all be.
Today when you smile, smile from inside out, knowing no more of their shit. Then move on freely

MIL doesn't see your DH as a separate person to her and by extension you are also not a separate person. Your DH seems to have the same problem - he doesn't see you as a separate individual to himself.

There's no fixing this, I'm afraid.

@Ozziewozzie thank you so much, really appreciate your comments. Yes it’s definitely all consuming. I have been working on my self esteem and becoming happier and realising just how unhappy I am around her

@PicsInRed oh gosh yes I think that is the case unfortunately
Do you think I should give up now?

Late to this thread. What did you decide to do, OP?