Please help- is my partner verbally abusive?

[Theloneliesttimeofyear]

I feel like I have absolutely no idea what to do. Been with my partner for 10 years, no children. We have a nice house and a nice life together. What is tearing me apart is the way he can lose his temper with me over nothing and out of nowhere. 95% of the time he is great, the other 5% is awful. He will call me a ‘fu£ing bi£&@‘ and a ‘fu£ing idiot’. Call me stupid, disorganised etc until I am broken down crying. Then we will say ‘why are you crying?!’. Often says I am psychotic and need help.

During our last argument he yelled at me ‘i’m going to fu*^£ing stab you’. I did not feel unsafe it was just words but something tipped me over the edge and I left that night to stay with a friend. When I said to him this behaviour was unacceptable he said it was because I don’t listen to him and I make him angry.

95% of the time he is so nice and thoughtful but as the years have gone on I have felt myself becoming colder towards him and we now lack physical and emotional intimacy. Am I wrong to throw away a relationship over this? It is the only relationship I have ever had. When we are good he is lovely and I feel like if we could get over this we would be okay.

Not really sure what I am asking, just looking for a hand hold as I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this in real life.

Jesus! No, this is not normal. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. This is abusive and you do not deserve it.

And in answer to your question, no, you would not be wrong to 'throw away' a relationship over this. Please throw it as far as you can. This guy is unpleasant, disrespectful and violent (he has threatened to stab you FFS!); he will not change. Please get yourself out when you can. Good luck.

He is an abusive arsehole who is verbally violent. You need to leave him, no ifs no buts. He doesn't respect you or even like you deep down.
I've never met him but I hate him. Start the new decade without him and take care of yourself.

The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is zero.

It is a choice he is making to hold power over you and control you. You can't change it or work past it because this is exactly how he wants things to be. Wielding power over you with his manufactured rage.

This is not normal or healthy and you deserve so much better. Even though he may have tried to convince you nobody else will love you it's not true.

If you stay it will get worse. One day those violent words will become violent actions.

Leaving would be a positive thing to do although not easy. Staying would be throwing your future away.

Please don't have children with him.

if you need help planning your exit you can talk to Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247. It is bad enough to speak to them.

The Freedom Programme course may also be a really important part of your healing before you embark on any future relationships: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

95% is the lie he tells to keep you there. 5% is what he really is.

He is verbally abusive - and then tries to blame you.
Please look at the Freedom Programme and some other info, it sounds like you can no longer tell whats acceptable and what isn't.

Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

The Freedom Programme
freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

Gawd sakes. Why would you stay with someone who made you feel like that? I bet people at work make him angry and he doesn't start f'ing and blinding at them.

Threats like that don't come from nowhere.

I'm going to fucking stab you is very explicit. Don't dismiss it.

And yes, he's abusive.

You don't have kids, you can easily start again - do that.

I think we have the same boyfriend! It's awful. I've blocked contact from mine and not spoke to him for a week. Don't know what to do about it cos he won't admit he has a problem.

I think you know the answer to your question ‘is he verbally abusive?’ It doesn’t get more overtly verbally abusive than threatening to stab you. You could read the book ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship.’ It’s very clear on what VA is. It’s important, I guess, to be clear in your own head because it doesn’t matter if all of us can see it clearly. Much love to you.

That is abuse.
And that “95%” “nice” will probably become 90%, then 85%, and so on.

Thank you all so much for reading my post and for your replies. I really appreciate your help and advice- I will definitely read the links posted. I know that I need to be strong and move on from him and I am going to try to put steps in place to do this (not sure how yet but this post is the first!)

@Delbelleber sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. My partner also denies he has a problem. Have you thought about what you will do next?

Don't try to leave him, do it, before he really does stab you or make you feel so low you no longer have the fight to leave.

Make no mistake, he is a vile, abusive creature you must protect yourself from.

He'll no doubt make you feel awful about leaving, probably tell you he'll kill himself because you're all he lives for, etc, etc but it's only because small people just want someone to walk all over to makr themselves feel bigger.

Good luck OP, it will be difficult but totally worth it in the end

Yes this is abuse, and of course he will deny that he is a total bastard.

He's already told you that he blames you for making him angry, hasn't he, so he knows exactly what he is doing - he's turning the responsibility for his appalling actions around on you. Nasty. Look up DARVO. That's what he is doing to you.

Please don't have children with this man.

He has gone from being verbally abusive to threatening you. Don’t stay long enough to find out if he will go from threatening you to actually hurting you.

Please please leave him.

So lets use the tea analogy.
Basically, if someone handed you a cup of shit, would you drink it?
If they handed you a cup with 50% and 50% shit, would you drink it?
If they handed you a cup with 95% tea and 5% shit, would you drink it?
NO!!?? Thought not!
No amount of abuse is acceptable!
NONE!!!!!!
This is easily enough to leave.
Please get out as quickly as possible.
No kids and not married - total no-brainer OP!!!!!!

Theloneliesttimeofyear You'll get loads of support and advice here - because so many of us have been where you are now.

One thing I will say to you is take control of your contraception and try not to get pregnant. That's when they really ramp up the violence.

If you have a joint tenancy with him then you aren't stuck with it, the law allows you to leave.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/guide-to-domestic-violence-housing-and-homelessness.pdf

I’m so grateful for all of your responses. I have just arrived at my mums for Christmas (without him!) and think that I will talk to her about it tonight as well. Thank you all. I think for so long this has been the norm and I have seen it as acceptable. Trying to view it objectively is so hard, but I definitely don’t want the rest of my life to be like this and although I know it is going to be so hard I know the only way forward is to leave him for good. Thank you everyone.

Good for you. Be strong. Often relationships can feel like grey areas to outsiders but threatening to stab you is downright terrifying. There is no grey area there. It’s just not OK. Love & strength to you.

Oh OP this is not normal at all. DH shouldn’t ever loose his temper like that to you or anyone not even the house pets or swear in any circumstances.

Am I wrong to throw away a relationship over this?

No . Not at all . As right now you don’t have kids . Trust me once you are further entangled his behaviour will worsen . This is just the start . Get clear on legal matters and end it x