How to handle the 'I want to separate' chat

[Arrybaldi]

After the New Year, following a turbulent year with DP and after feeling unhappy for a long time, I am telling him that I want to separate. We also have 2 children.

It's been a long time coming and a decision that has taken me around 4 years to make so I know I am doing the right thing.

My reasons are that he doesn't appear to need sexual or romantic connection as much as most people, he is awkwardly stubborn, to the point that he seems to go out of his way to do the opposite of what I ask, he can be very demotivated and lazy, he clearly resents the loss of his freedom, he makes ne feel like I'm here to facilitate his life and I feel like a household appliance. He is unhealthy, is piling on weight and has little ambition in life, he has focuses which consume him and distract him from famiky life/what needs doing. He has no intention to marry me.

I intend to keep the talks between us as civil as possible, but he is going to want to know why I want to separate. He should already know this after years of tears and complaining,but I know he will want to go over the details.

If I tell him the reasons,he will get very hurt as he is unable to fathom any form of criticism and doesn't actually realise the way he behaves regardless of how often I point it out to him. He thinks he is a lovely person and so does everyone else we know. Living with him has been a complete shock to the system after knowing him as a friend for many years previously. He seemed like the most kind-hearted, lovely person in the world. If I tell him why and he will want to know, it will just turn into a an argument of dredging over fine details and him trying to justify his behaviours and criticise mine in return. I can't be bothered with any of it, I just want to be free of him.

I am also concerned about how he will take this news as I feel he sees me as a possession of his. He is not one to part with possessions happily. He doesn't have an obvious temper, he is not physically abusive, but I am not sure he will take this well and a tiny part of me is very nervous about how he will react and how difficult he will make things with the children who are still very young.

Any tips on how to handle the conversation and avoid an alercation?

Just be direct and firm - 'I need to speak to you and I need you to listen. I have been unhappy in our relationship for a very long time and cannot continue beyond this point. I wish to separate, and would like to make this as straightforward as we can for the sake of the children....'. Tell your closest friend/family before you do it, and have them on standby if you are concerned. Make sure you won't be interrupted by the kids as well

Perhaps do it away from the home (for safety reasons). Ask someone to look after DC for a couple of hours and perhaps go to a coffee shop. I appreciate public might not be the best place to speak openingly but if there is the fear of him not taking it well, being in public might be a safe option.

You could always write him a letter fully explaining what you've written here. That way he has something to go over afterwards when he is still trying to process it.

Do you have to give reasons? Could you just keep repeating the fact you aren't happy and don't love him anymore and that you have given it lots and lots of thought. Repeat and repeat this. Getting into examples is going to cause arguments surely.

I like the idea of doing it away from home. We could go for a walk and I will tell people where we are going prior to the conversation too.

You don’t need a big discussion about the reasons. I’m sure you have already told him what the problems are many times. Just say you want to end the relationship as you are not happy any more.

You don't need to tell him why, other than you are unhappy and have been for some time, it's not a decision you've made lightly, it's not up for negotiation and it's final.

Are you planning to move out or do you want him to? Have you seen a solicitor to understand how this will play out financially. Get all this in place and a place for you and the dc to go to if needed. Although I'd advise strongly against leaving the home if at all possible.

Tell people you're doing it and where so you can have back up if needed. I agree to doing it in public and not behind closed doors.

To be honest, before you have 'the conversation' you need to know your legal and financial position so you can speak to him from a position of strength. Knowing what you are entitled to depending on your circumstances and what you want to realistically happen next given where you are.

I wouldn't give him any reasons. Just say your don't want to be with him anymore and that you don't love him and haven't for a while. No need to criticize and list faults, you clearly arent suited and need to end the relationship. This will stop a lot of the arguments that you are foreseeing. Someone cant really argue with "I just dont love you anymore"

Yes I agree, no need to go over and over things. I have seen a solicitor already and I have been having counselling for 4 years, so feel I'm ready to face this now. I do need him to leave the family home as I have nowhere to go and he does, so there is a lot of angst about how this will play out. He has always said that he would leave but I think it is going to be extremely difficult to actually get him to go. I am willing to negotiate this if needs be and consider him staying over a couple of evenings a week to begin with so he ca be here with the children.

Obviously separate beds though, which we already have.

I think you should answer his questions (rehearse your answers) whilst making it clear that you will not change your mind and the opportunity to fix the numerous problems with your relationship has passed.

Be prepared for a whole lot of emotions from him that might even get nasty, Be firm, consistent and don’t get embroiled in any attempts he makes to escalate things.

Congratulations on finally making decision.

Did the solicitor recognise you were describing coercive control (domestic abuse)?

I don't think going for a walk is a good idea. You tell him the relationship is over. That is it. No justification or explanation required. Preferably with someone else there in case he kicks off.

Domestic abuse is about power and control. Most women who are killed or seriously injured by partners are when they try to leave (as they attempt to sever the control). It is not unusual for the first incident of violence to be when they try to leave and the abuser realises they are about to lose all their control over the woman.

I'm not trying to scare you, just make sure you've considered your safety.

Have you had any support from Women's Aid? Done the Freedom Programme course? It would probably help you manage everything that comes next and protect yourself from any manipulation or long distance abuse.

If he kicks off or refuses to leave or you feel things are getting out of hand, call the police. Don't wait for him to actually strike you first. They can't protect you if you don't call them.

He sounds like a passive aggressive man child - stubborn and deliberately obtuse.

No point having “a conversation” with him - as he hasn’t had “a conversation” with you to date.

Don’t waste your finite emotional energy on him - save that for getting your ducks in a row and to soothe your DCs.

Drop the rope and get ahead of him.
Make all of your decisions and then tell him that “you are not compatible and you both want different things and you should be both freed to live as you wish in peace”

So all v neutral and positive. No criticism. No circular arguments that get you nowhere.

Just yell him how it is going to be. Don’t expect him to agree - but don’t give him the satisfaction of rowing with him - move straight to solicitors to make it happen. He is not above the law. Don’t waste another 4 years by him dragging you down.

Clean, swift, decisive.