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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH & alcohol

10 replies

Magicstars · 23/12/2019 12:02

Apologies in advance, I think this will be long.
DH & I have been together around 15years. 2 small kids. When we met we were students & both out drinking & partying a lot. We got married fairly young- mid twenties. As we’ve grown up & had kids I’ve changed a lot. Being healthy is important to me & I limit what I eat & drink, kids & home life come first.
DH will at times go out on all night/ weekend long benders. He drinks every night & uses alcohol to self-medicate/ harm for trauma in his childhood. He is taking meds & sees a counsellor which help but the drinking remains a major issue for us. I hate seeing him in such a state & I am anxious now that the kids are getting bigger, of what they will make & learn if his relationship with alcohol.
He has gained a lot of weight, much of it from booze (around 4 stone) & I’m no longer attracted to him yet wants sex a lot.
He calls me punitive. Says he’ll never change & if he kills himself early from drinking, then so be it. No real regard for the impact his actions have on his children or me. We’ve been through this cycle for years. I have lost hope of him ever changing. Is it ‘ok’ for a middle aged parent to stay up drinking all night? He has a crazy bender approx once every six months. Am I overreacting? Our youngest has a health issue & needs regular A&E visits & overnight stays. DH does not moderate his drinking behaviour in order to care for him. It’s always left to me to take responsibility & I feel unable to relax & leave him in charge.
If I decide to leave him then we’d lose our family home, be broke, kids lives turned upside down.
I don’t know what to do, should I just ‘lighten up’ as he tells me to?
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
whinetime89 · 23/12/2019 12:05

I am in basically the same situation. He has acknowledged being an alcoholic yet done nothing about it. He keeos telling me what i want to hear but no actions. We are currently separated. He will draw money from our mortgage when there is nothing in the main account. I currently have so much anger and resentment toward him that je is putting alcohol above his marriage, children and family unit

Magicstars · 23/12/2019 12:17

Whinetime89 how have you managed to separate? I have no idea how I’d cope financially on my Salary & he doesn’t earn enough to rent a room elsewhere. We are enslaved by our mortgage which on both salaries is ok.
He wants me to apologise for being angry with him for staying out drinking til 6am.

OP posts:
Magicstars · 23/12/2019 13:12

Re: posted from relationships for more traffic. Apologies in advance, I think this will be long.
DH & I have been together around 15years. 2 small kids. When we met we were students & both out drinking & partying a lot. We got married fairly young- mid twenties. As we’ve grown up & had kids I’ve changed a lot. Being healthy is important to me & I limit what I eat & drink, kids & home life come first.
DH will at times go out on all night/ weekend long benders. He drinks every night (2-3 units during the week, approx a bottle of wine a night at weekend. He openly uses alcohol to self-medicate/ harm for trauma in his childhood. He is taking meds & sees a counsellor which help, but the drinking remains a major issue for us. I hate seeing him get in such a state & I am anxious now that the kids are getting bigger, of what they will make & learn if his relationship with alcohol.
He has gained a lot of weight, much of it from booze (around 4 stone) & I’m no longer attracted to him yet wants sex a lot.
He calls me punitive. Says he’ll never change & if he kills himself early from drinking, then so be it. Won’t apologise. No real regard for the impact his actions have on his children or me. We’ve been through this cycle for years. I have lost hope of him ever changing.
Is it ‘ok’ for a middle aged parent to stay up drinking all night? He has a crazy, excessive bender approx once every six months.
Am I overreacting? Our youngest has a health issue & needs regular A&E visits & overnight stays. DH does not moderate his drinking behaviour in order to care for him. It’s always left to me to take responsibility & I feel unable to relax & leave him in charge.
If I decide to leave him then we’d lose our family home, be broke, kids lives turned upside down. I do love him & want very much for life to be calm & happy.
I don’t know what to do, should I just ‘lighten up’ as he tells me to?
Thanks for reading. AIBU for thinking his drinking habits are excessive & irresponsible as a parent?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/12/2019 13:56

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Did you yourself see heavily drinking parents as a child?. What drew you to this man in the first place let alone have children by him?. You modified your behaviour and changed; he has not fundamentally changed in all the years you've known him. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour here to him and what you have tried to date (and you have not mentioned leaving him) has not worked.

Like many alcoholics as well he is selfishness personified. His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you or your kids.

Do you really love him or are you really confusing this with codependency?. His needs here are NOT more important than yours. You're really as caught up in his alcoholism as he is and your own recovery from this will only properly start when you are away from him.

Your family home as it is now is akin to a warzone; its certainly no sanctuary for you and your kids. Its not stable in your house either because you're merely going from one crisis situation into another. He is no father to them and you personally would be better off apart. He will no longer have you to prop him up and you should not enable him any longer. Life will NEVER be calm and happy so long as you and he are together for really your own reasons.

What do you want your children to learn about relationships and what are they learning here from you two as their parents?.

What do you want your kids to remember about their childhoods?. They are really having a shit time of it now and you're not helping any because your finite reserves of energy is being wasted on this manipulative person you call your partner. On an emotional level at least you are not fully available to your kids here. You're basically doing the same old roles that many people with alcoholics find themselves in; those of codependent partner, enabler and provoker. You will merely continue to go around and around in circles with him if you carry on like this. Doing the same in the hopes of expecting a different result is not going to work.

Many alcoholics self medicate with alcohol and his counsellor is also doing their bit here to enable him further. Get off the merry go around before you and your kids are further dragged down by him.

You need to get off the merry go around that is alcoholism altogether before you and your children are further dragged down by him. Pu your own selves first. You can only help your own self ultimately and you are not responsible for this man nor his choices. So the hell what that he does not have enough money to get a room elsewhere; where he goes is not your problem. See what I mean here about being codependent?. That is itself a problem. No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable and the issue of the mortgage can be dealt with.

Please contact Al-anon because it will help you. You will meet ordinary people just like you at those meetings. At the very least call them and read their literature.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/12/2019 13:58

Magicstars and whinetime,

Do read this also because you two are also in this description:-

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

whinetime89 · 23/12/2019 14:18

We also have a mortage. He is apparently moving out in Jan. We have 3 kids and can both financially supports ourselves. I have spent the last 15 months doing absolutely everything to support him and get him help and he has not done anything significant to change. He is currently drinking approx $30-40 of alcohol a day. We were meant ti be going camping after xmas but cancelled as i csnt face doing everything like i always and see him continie to drink. I also reneged when i tokd him to take the kods as i dont trust him with the kids being in sole charge with what he drinks.
It breaks my heart as i love him so much and this is the last thing i ever wanted but i I can't keep living this way

BookWitch · 23/12/2019 15:17

I am also in the same situation OP.
DH works abroad and is only at home part of the time (works overseas) which makes it manageable for me. My three DDs are now grown up too, know what he is like and very supportive of me and call him out on things. His drinking has reduced a bit (we have none in the house but he still goes to the pub). Like your DH he knows he is dependant, makes promises to stop, then nothing happens. I no longer believe his promises because I have been let down so often. I no longer rely on him for anything, I have my own friends and life.

I know how you feel about needing to stay in the family home. It is the main reason I haven't kicked him out. I worked bloody hard for this house, I love it, and he is only here part of the time.

Un-mumsnetty handhold OP, it's bloody hard.
I have spoken to Al-Anon several times, They are very supportive and I have found them very helpful in a non-judgy "oh you should just LTB" way. I am starting to attend a local group in the New Year. Would that be something you feel might help you?

Magicstars · 23/12/2019 16:40

Thank you all so much. I’m sorry to hear of others in similar situations.
I will definitely go to al anon. My confidence is so low as he repeatedly tells me I’m being uptight, overreacting, that his choices have no impact on me.
I stared the relationship young, naive & in the hope of saving him for him deep sadness. Now I know that’s not possible. How he can make such irresponsible choices with our beautiful children here is beyond me. I know ultimately I will be better off without him, but it’s whether the children will be worse off is what worries me. At present I am able to shield them from his behaviour, but I know that I won’t be able to forever.
Wishes for a peaceful Christmas All

OP posts:
Woollycardi · 23/12/2019 19:22

Of course his choices are impacting you, and you are not over-reacting. You're absolutely right to be concerned about your children and the impact of them growing up with this. And the impact on you. Good luck.

Woollycardi · 23/12/2019 19:23

A lot of us bought into the fairy tale of saving people from their 'deep sadness'. We have to wake up and accept we can't save anyone from themselves. We can only change ourselves.

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