How would you handle this fallout with Grandma?

[wheresmymojo]

I went on holiday for a week in September with DM and DGM. DM paid for all three of us (her treat).

DGM has form for being rude and selfish, she was actually pretty horrible on holiday, especially to my mother. I reached the conclusion watching her behaviour on holiday that she's actually a narcissistic mother (to my DM).

Anyway - there were fallouts throughout the holiday. I tried to bite my tongue for most of the week but on the last morning she was being so horrible to my DM I lost my cool and called her out on her behaviour.

We don't live near to each other so my tactic was simply going to be to keep my distance but otherwise remain civil and pleasant. I bought her Xmas gifts as per usual (thankfully we are with DH's family this year).

Grandmother hasn't got me anything - not even a card which seems dreadfully petty.

She's continuing being vile to my DM during their weekly visits (I am 200 miles away so not there).

Her birthday is in early Jan. My feeling is that I now don't want to get her a card/gift, I don't want to be petty but actually I just feel a bit 'done' with her.

How would you handle this?

If relevant: I'm 37, DM is 56, DGM is 75 (fit as a fiddle, no health issues).

Have you discussed DGM’s behaviour with DM? How does she view her mother’s behaviour?
I think I would mainly want to support my mum. Definitely go low contact with DGM, but I would want to ensure that I wasn’t giving her any ammunition to make mum’s life a misery.
With regards her birthday, maybe send a very perfunctory card, but skip the gift.
It’s a tough one, but your mum has you, and I guess just let her know you love and appreciate her.

I have a right rotten bunch in part of my family so I know where you are coming from and your post actually made me laugh a dark laugh. You are so deep in the FOG it is comical when you take a step back.

The possibility of not sending a card and present to an abusive bully has you in a tail spin agonising on MN! It shows how much you all dance to the bully's tune, how utterly terrified you are of her saying mean words. Your mum has taught you to pander, to appease, to lie down like a good little doormat.

No don't send a card and a present. You don't like her. She doesn't like you. She has initiated stopping doing cards and presents for each other. You simply continue. It's OK. The sky will not fall in. The world will still turn if she gets in a huff.

Google FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) also codependency and daughters of narcissistic mothers. You are not alone in your terror at the mere thought of a miniscule act of rebellion. It can be overcome and life is then much better.

Don't try to save your mum. That takes you further down the FOG rabbit hole. She's an adult, she can make her own choices. You can make different choices.

Send her a card with an inspirational quote on the front e.g.:

"Life is all about Karma. It always gives you back what you give to others."
"You shall get what you give. The good you put out into the world will return to you in abundance."
"Do good things and good things shall come your way."

She will obviously think she is great, but anyone else seeing the card hung on her wall might have a good laugh.