his drinking is ruining our relationship

[tinkerbella85]

so my partner has always been big on drinking and going out to the pub, however in the past 12 months it seems that drinking is all he seems to be interested in. every weekend we have the same routine of him buying a bottle of whisky on a Friday, and then by sunday he's literally draining the dregs. if we go out somewhere for a meal and he has to drive us there he will spend the whole night complaining cos he cant have a drink and hits the bottle as soon as we get back. when its his turn to plan anything it always involves going to the pub and complains at me saying i'm boring when i say i'm not bothered- i've never been much of a drinker myself, i like days sightseeing and visiting place - he'd rather just sit in the pub all day. lost count of how many days out we’ve planned and cancelled cos hes been too hungover to do anything, not in a fit state to drive and lately its just getting worse, this is his fourth weekend ive gone to bed alone because he's passed out drunk on the sofa, today is his second night in a row he will have slept on the sofa and the third day of getting blind drunk. he finished work on friday for the holidays went on his xmas works do and has literally not stopped drinking since. its dragging our relationship down, not only do we spend majority of our time together with him in a drunken stupor, he gets argumentative, its embarrassing to friends and family when he has to turn everything into a ‘party’, not to mention the money hes wasting, we barely sleep in bed together anymore as hes spends more time on the sofa, and on the days he does come to bed he absolutely reeks of whisky it so disgusting i don't want to be within 10 mile of him. whenever i mention it to him he just tells me to get off his case, he doesn't see it as a problem, says its everyone else thats got the problem not him. what can i do? i love him but cant carry on like this, should i leave

Yes you should leave.

I think you have 3 choices.

Stay and live your lives totally separately
He can go to the pub and you can plan day trips on your own.

Or stay and help him to get help

Or leave which is a very blunt reply but ultimately has the relationship run it’s course.

Even if you did stay would he take on board his alcohol problems and actually get sober.
Would you both be the same people.

Would you spend the rest of your life trying to smell his breath, wanting to know where exactly he had been, wondering if he had relapsed.

Sometimes fundamental differences like the amount people drink can have a big impact on the relationship

You could be describing the first 11: months of my marriage. I know DH found it devastating, very much as you do.

I knew our marriage wouldn't last if I didn't stop drinking. So I went to rehab for six weeks and many years of frequent AA meetings. It's been 30 years now and I never think about drink.

Would you spend the rest of your life trying to smell his breath, wanting to know where exactly he had been, wondering if he had relapsed.

That's not how it works. DH and my DPs say that sober me was so different that had I relapsed they would have known instantly. Recovering alcoholics are very engaged in their sobriety.

Your DH is in deep shit with his drinking, tinkerbella85. But you don't need me to tell you that. Sounds like he's well past the controlled drinking stage. The question is how important your relationship is to him. Ultimately DH meant more to me than my drinking.

Nothing is going to improve unless he's prepared to stop drinking. Try telling him that unless he stops drinking it's over. And if he doesn't stop I'd recommend you leave.

I Agree with prawn, Be honest. Make it very clear that his drinking is ruining your relationship and unless he stops, you will leave. And mean it. Don’t waste your life.

Yes, tell him you've had enough. Sounds like a miserable existence for you. You only get one life. Also his drinking is escalating. I wouldn't wait for broken promises, I'd just go. Imagine the relief.

we went to my mums yesterday for an xmas tea that she plans every year, its just an opportunity for all the family to get together, catch up, exchange present n all the kids get to play together for a bit. it started at 3pm and my partner asked me what drink i was taking up with me, and was in disbelief when i said i wasn’t, im like its a christmas tea, not a piss up, anyways when we got there he raided my stepdads beer fridge and by 6 o clock was drunk to which i had the entire family complaining he was drunk and behaving stupidly, we got home at 8 and he carried on drinking to the point of passing out on the sofa at 10pm! and we were supposed to be going out today to do something christmasy with our little one, but judging by the stench of him we wont be going anywhere together. every single one of my family commented that they think he has a problem, i've tried every way i can to approach it but it always ends up in an argument and he always comes up with an excuse - ah well its christmas, its a birthday, its a weekend and ive had a bad week, its a wednesday and ive had a crap day at work. just enjoying myself, get off my case, stop being miserable. tells me im boring and a drag cos i wont drink with him. we will sit watching tv and i can see him in my eyeline pouring drink after drink after drink biting my tongue desperate to say thats enough, ive even tried tipping some down the sink when hes not looking- but then he just gets to the bottom of it quicker and goes to buy another one.

Go to al-anon, and start the process of separation

I ended my marriage this year because of alcohol related issues. I had just had enough. Alcohol seemed a priority and I could no longer put up with the verbal abuse and nastiness that seemed to accompany it. Life is too short for that shit.

Talk to AAA. See what they can do to help.

I think you know this, but he’s an alcoholic. He’s not at the point of accepting his use of alcohol is a serious problem, so he won’t take any challenge on it, and addicts are only focussed on serving their addiction. He will probably need to see consequences for his drinking before he addresses it. Are you ‘covering’ for him in social situations? Are you doing things for him because of his drinking? If so, stop. Take care of yourself too. You can try an honest conversation when he’s sober focussed on the impact of his drinking on you and the relationship. But you may have to be prepared to leave him if he won’t address his problems.

You need to leave. He needs to hit rock bottom before he can turn this around.

Ask him to move out.

You absolutely know you should leave him.
THIS will be your life forever more.
Until he basically kills himself.
Get yourself to Al-Anon.
Get yourself out of there and enjoy Christmas with your family and leave him to stew in his own alcohol.
What a fucked up example of male human you are modelling to your DS.
Time to put him first OP.
Time to show him that none of this is OK.
It's a shitty life for you and your DS.
Time to take back control.

This was my dad op. My mum didn't leave and I have major issues from my childhood environment.

He has to face up to it on his own. You however have a choice here. Please leave him, for your child's sake.

Go to Al-Anon and start your own recovery. Start the preparations to leave him - separate finances, a home for you and your DC. Disengage from him, reconnect with your family.

You cannot make him stop drinking, only he can do that and he isn't at that stage - not nearly. What you can do is salvage your own life and your child's.

My husband was like yours. He didn't stop drinking, didn't believe he had a problem. It cost him his marriage, his kids, his job, his home and ultimately his life. Your husband is addicted and his addiction is in charge right now. It will be until he decides, like prawn, that it has to stop.

People can recover and find sobriety - but they have to do all the honest hard work themselves.

Your poor child.
Do some research on the impact on children. They don’t need to even see their parent drunk - they sense, absorb and are emotionally injured by the stress in the home. Their mother is distracted and preoccupied with the alcoholic so they end up ultimately emotionally neglected by both parents. They will have long term behavioural and relationship issues due to the deep shame and constant stress they have endured. Search Adult Children of Alcoholics.

YOU can’t control it or cure it. YOU didn’t cause it. This is his journey - read up on alcoholism and decide if you will put your child through this.

so the past couple of days hadn't been so bad; monday night i made sure he only had a few drinks so he didnt ruin christmas eve, on christmas day he had a few whiskys in the morning, our usual champagne with dinner then he only had a few after that so it went kind of smoothly. then today has just turned into an absolute car crash- we’d made no plans whatsover to go out drinking today until his dad asked us yesterday, he put us on the spot so i just said oh we ‘might’ pop out for a few see how we feel, but not doing the whole day sesh thing. since 12 o clock today my partner has been chewing at the bit to get out to the pub, huffing at me cos i hadnt attempted to get myself ready, then his dads phoned saying he was at the pub waiting for us- which has led to my partner kicking off cos i werent ready when we ‘agreed’ we would go out today. so long story short we got into an argument, hes been at the pub since 2, im sat at home on my own and im the one thats ruined his christmas all because he was that desperate to get to the pub he couldn't wait 1 hour for me to get ready. he went on without me and has apparently told all his family how miserable i am cos i wont go to the pub. when in his words- normal people go to the pub at 12 on boxing day!!

Yes, end the relationship asap. Sounds like he’s had an alcohol problem a long while and that it’s escalated.

You have DC? Even more reason to leave asap.

Also reflect on your own choices here and use of alcohol.

You got a real problem here.
I moved out of my relationship like this, and it went to another level for him, affecting our DD, falling over and breaking bones, driving, missing weeks of work. It escalated further after I moved out as he no longer had to answer to anybody.
We eventually got him sober through a rehab centre and its been close to 4 months now.
I think you need to get out now as this will likely get worse before it gets better.

Don’t you see that you are monitoring him ... you have a child you don’t want a drunk man child too.
I would sit him down , tell him to get his act together , and then make my plans to leave .. because you know in your heart of hearts he won’t change .
It’s shit , I really feel for you , but you need to put you and your child first x

Are his family heavy drinkers? How old is he? He doesn't seem to want to change so no amount of "managing" him will work.

It's an utterly miserable thing to deal with. You need to leave. He doesn't sound like he's at the stage where he wants to get help to stop, and alcoholics generally need to hit their own rock bottom before trying to get better. Best scenario if you raise it as an issue and stay is that he'll promise to stop and still find it difficult to do so, or he will be in complete and selfish denial and carry on as he is; so you've a long and pretty soul destroying journey ahead.

If you've got kids, you need to put them first, living with a parent who's an alcoholic is very damaging. Sorry OP

monday night i made sure he only had a few drinks so he didnt ruin christmas eve
It is so sad that you think this is a win, a successful day in your relationship.

Your relationship is utter shite. Leave. Why not?

Could have written this myself. It's shit. I have 2 very young children and a partner with a drink problem. I'm drained by it. I plan to leave in 2020 but need to figure out how. He gave up drinking for 3 weeks in November and it was great, but Christmas has been a disaster. Wish you luck, no advice but just to tell you you're not alone

Leave or get help please. Ur poor DC have to witness this growing up.