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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel it's time to stand up to him

10 replies

Chrsitmasishere123 · 22/12/2019 23:40

Had enough dp's behaviour (undiagnosed aspergers) has bad rage and violence towards kids and made me believe it's normal to daily smack kids. He is unable to control his temper, never has hence always walking on eggshells to avoid kids bad behaviour in case it triggers him. I have to say I have smacked kids before too bit feel absolutely disgusted with myself and feel it's very wrong to justify it and blame their behaviour for it.he is also a very affectionate father when kids aren't intense but when it all gets too much, he just breaks down. Tonight I told him I want him out after xmas and he said he will but it felt he just said it as he was to hurt but later when I was trying to have a calm talk with him and tried to make him believe that it's the best for the kids right now, he disagreed and said he doesn't see how it's good for the kids bit then he grew up in a very disfunctional broken family with mother having mental health issues so he feels families should stick together no matter what. He is petrified losing out kids life but what he doesn't see is that he isn't part of them now as he is too overwhelmed by them all... I just want him to be in a good place where he is happier!

OP posts:
Bunnybaubles · 23/12/2019 01:31

Aspergers doesnt make a man violent btw. My DS (turning 21) has aspergers. I also have a 1 yo which he regularly interacts with. He wouldn't dream of lifting a finger to his little sister, no matter how frustrating her behaviour (she is being monitored by the HV for autism and has very challenging behaviour) he is the most non offensive person I have ever met and very much able to control his behaviour towards them. Dont let him use that as an excuse for his bad behaviour.

LemonDr1zzleCake · 23/12/2019 06:13

He feels families should stick together no matter what

Translation:- he wants you to support him no matter how much bad behavior he throws at you. It's a one way street. Try doing the same to him and having a tantrum when the house isn't perfectly tranquil and your peace is disturbed.

He wants you to be his Mummy too, making life cosy and comfortable just for him

If you can live with this, fine. But imo him smacking your children is downright abuse

Chrsitmasishere123 · 23/12/2019 11:04

Yes completely agree with you. He wants me to create a cozy he never had, raise the dc and make life happy so it's not so obvious he struggles. He uses me to cover up his personality.
He came to me this morning all sweet again and how we should make Christmas bearable which I agreed to. What will happen now is he will play he attentive father for a couple of days then sit back again in his depression and be all negative. I just desperately want to be free of him but it is so difficult as unless he agrees to move out, not a lot I can do with littlest being under 2 and having a huge mortgage cars etc.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/12/2019 11:14

If he wants the family to stay together he needs to change. Tell him he's already making your family dysfunctional and he's the only one who can change that. It's better for your children to have one happy parent than two miserable ones.

Chrsitmasishere123 · 23/12/2019 11:55

Agree, I know he loves the children and all he wants is this family to stay together but he in the last 15 years never gone and got any help and would not talk about it apart from he thinks he has aspergers and that's it. He sees everyone else the problem but himself. I keep saying to him he needs to fix himself and be happy before he can be a good father but all he sees is that I'm attacking him and criticising him. I just feel I had enough and it's affecting me and my parenting and and feel I'd be better off on my own. I know xmas is a tricky time and no body wants to face being lonely so will leave it til the new year but just hope I still have the strength to carry on with the decision

OP posts:
richteasandcheese · 23/12/2019 14:56

He's hitting your kids every day?

CodenameVillanelle · 23/12/2019 15:00

He's ruining your children's lives and you're complicit. Don't let him do this any longer.

SuePerb · 23/12/2019 16:21

He's abusive. Aspergers is no reason or excuse or justification for hitting children and being violent.

My ds has aspergers and doesn't hit anyone.

Please stop making excuses for him, and take your kids out of this environment and into safety.

SuePerb · 23/12/2019 16:23

Read Lundy Bancroft. He covers this. People make excuses for their abusive Dp saying they're ill, or they have mental health issues, or they have alcohol issues, or ptsd, or they're depressed. None of these, or ASD makes someone hit anyone else. Being abusive makes someone abuse someone else.

I bet your DP manages to control his temper fine at work.

sproutsgalore · 23/12/2019 16:25

Families should not stick together 'no matter what' if there is violence towards the children.

Your dc are being abused and you are allowing it to happen. He has to go.

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