Alexithymia

[Catann74]

Does anyone’s partner have Alexithymia?

I am completely at the end of my tether with my unemotional husband.

I love him so much but he can’t seem to give me what I need emotionally/sexually.

We argue- he says he will change and it never happens.

Intimacy is nil existent- I dream of him grabbing my boobs or arse and ravishing me whispering dirty words into my ears.

He has NEVER initiated sex- I am struggling so much.

I am 45 and I don’t know if I can spend the rest of my life living like this?

I don’t have anywhere to turn- I love him but loathe him.

I only discovered the condition in aug 2020- seems like there is little understanding/help around.

Any words of advice?

Not sure what advice there can be. He is what he is and he can’t really change how his mind works.

You can either accept it and learn to deal with it. Or leave.
Finding a FWB can help if you wanted to stay with him but feel some of the physical sensations you are missing.
Opening up your relationship can also help some that issue.

But fundamentally - there isn’t a solution to change him into someone he is not.

What’s a FWB?

Do you personally have experience of being or working with an alexi?

Thanks for replying to post x

Must you give him some label or diagnose him with something? Why bother? It's just you tying yourself up in knots in a bid to understand him

He's just a bit of a cock and you can do better . Honestly don't waste your life psychoanalysing him

It looks like you’ve become very aware of his lack of effort and natural “ability” in these areas. I’m a bit like it with my wife when it comes to her ability, or lack of - to show her loving side to me. It makes it glaringly apparent when you’re anticipating them not doing what you feel they should, and in your head your frustration is totally justified.

Not sure that helps, but I did my best to describe it from my perspective.

FWB is someone else who can grab and ravish you the way you expressed you wanted. It stands for ‘friend with benefits’.

As to the condition you describe - it’s more related to the emotional interactions he has with you, not sexual.
Given your description - he probably also has a lower libido, compared to you. And that can’t change.
Your only options are to make peace with the status quo, or find someone else who can give you want you need.

@Catann74

maybe try having a read of the work that Maxine Aston does, she has written a lot about the partners of people with alexithymia and you may find that her stuff makes sense of how you are feeling. She discusses Affective Deprivation Disorder, that is the emotional deprivation you will feel in this relationship.

Long term it can be near impossible to have a happy, fulfilling relationship with an person with alexithymia and no amount of your effort can change them. www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/AfDD.shtml

A label doesn’t change that you chose not to accept who he is and was.

You always had a choice and this the price for that choice. You are free to choose differently but appear to be stuck in cycle of handwringing and resentment.

The ball is in your court and always was.

Hi OP. I can't quite believe I've seen this on here! I came across this condition last year when go ogling my dhs behaviour. I've never heard anyone ever mention it and have only ever told my closest friend about it. A lot of my dhs behaviours stem from low self esteem I think. He is cold but wasn't like this when we first met. He will put other people (even strangers I kid you not!) before his family if it means he looks to be 'doing the right thing' which of course he isn't! Theres no logic to his thinking and so is complex to work out how his mind works. Also has very low libido but when he wants to I feel it's because he feels he should to get rid of build up as its not healthy in his view not to. We haven't had sex for years(my choice althou my libido is standard I think) because it's like being with a stranger. He acts like he's single when making certain decisions. He is very abrupt with many people but when he wants to can be friendly if it suits. Having read the attachment that the other poster kindly added can see more traits- early rising, light sleeper and irritable. My dh gets stressed at the tiniest thing and his reactions are unreasonable. I'm planning to leave mine once I get my ducks in a row. I've wasted enough years in a cold relationship. Sorry I can't be more positive but I can't see how someone with this can change similar to someone who has autism etc but the difference is choosing to remain with a partner who has it when it makes you miserable. Which I'm not prepared to do.

I can understand what people are saying about labels which I too dislike but it can sometimes help a person get an idea of why someone behaves the way they do. I don't think that people with this condition have any understanding of how cold they are and it can be really upsetting for the other person.

Have a look at this link about dismissive avoidants

jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-dismissive-avoidant

The inability to express emotions is a big factor and unfortunately without long-term intensive therapy it is unlikely for this person to change.

Living with my ex-husband was like being on a parallel train track. Both of us going one way, arms length, HIS way. I got out. Best thing I ever did.