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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are these red flags? Advice appreciated

24 replies

FlagNetdotcom · 22/12/2019 18:12

He says his ex broke his heart.

Our mutual friend is disgusted with his ex's behaviour. Hmm...

He's been living abroad in his home country for nearly a year without his dc, but has moved back here to be with them.

One of his dc is not in 'good shape'...'needs a lot of work'.

His dp's are dysfunctional and he's not close to his family.

I've not met him yet, only been chatting online as we were introduced via a mutual friend. We are having a dinner date soon.

He seems nice enough, but having had DA in my marriage which ended horribly, and having my dc to think of first and foremost, I am of course feeling very cautious about going on a first date or investing in online chat with him or in fact with anybody.

OP posts:
jelly79 · 22/12/2019 18:14

Listen to your instincts. I'd be cautious of the over sharing of information before you have even met. If you are feeling uneasy at this stage I wouldn't bother x

Pinkbonbon · 22/12/2019 18:16

Hmm...proceed with caution. Might be one of those narcissists that spin a sob story. And convince all their pals they are actually the hard done by party by their ex.

Go on the date, don't take it too seriously. Trust your gut on him (not your heart or a spark, your gut instinct).

CoffeeCoinnesseur · 22/12/2019 18:24

Is your mutual friend disgusted with his ex's behaviour, or is that just what this guy is telling you?

What has the mutual friend told you about him?

He's a bit of an over sharer already, some of it doesn't paint him in the beat light, and sounds like he has a lot of difficult family dynamics. Makes you wonder if it's the common denominator - him - that is the problem.

ScabbyHorse · 22/12/2019 18:26

Just meet up for a coffee, rather than a dinner date and don't expect too much. Keep eye out for gut feelings.

Original poster
FlagNetdotcom · 22/12/2019 18:27

He's sent a few photos to me, I have sent a couple.

He also said he's looking for someone 'who can give him back the love that he can give' ...'is a nurturing person'.

I've tried my best not to divulge too much information, although he has asked a few personal questions and it's hard to avoid answering/to answer in a indirect way.

There has been something else he's mentioned, which I won't add on here as it would be too outing.

I think I'm going to have to go on the date and back out from there. I'm not wanting a relationship as I'm much happier to be on my own and have my own space. I don't have the time, energy or money to invest in dating.

OP posts:
Happygirl79 · 22/12/2019 18:27

Be extremely careful
Red flags here

CoffeeCoinnesseur · 22/12/2019 18:30

I think I'm going to have to go on the date and back out from there.

Why? Why even go on the date if you already know you don't want to date?Confused

alwaysmovingforwards · 22/12/2019 18:33

Why are you chatting to strangers and going for dinner if you don't have the time or inclination for dating?

Original poster
FlagNetdotcom · 22/12/2019 18:34

@Happygirl79 Just what I'm thinking. I'm going to message him on chat and then mention about having coffee instead.

@CoffeeCoinnesseur I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. If we meet face to face, there may be a reasonable explanation behind this info, or there may not be

OP posts:
Original poster
FlagNetdotcom · 22/12/2019 18:36

@alwaysmovingforwards you speak the truth

How do I back out of this politely?

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 22/12/2019 18:46

@FlagNetdotcom

Copy & paste darling Smile

Hi, I've had a good think and whilst it's been nice getting to know each other a bit, I've now got some other things in my life that require my undivided attention. So we'll not meet I'm afraid and I won't have time to chat any more. You sound like a lovely chap though and I'm sure you will make the right woman very happy. Good luck and all the very best to you.

If you get anything other than a polite accepting reply, block and delete.

Easy right?

Original poster
FlagNetdotcom · 22/12/2019 19:05

I've messaged to say that I'm happy to chat online for now, but I feel it's too soon to go on a date.

He asked if it's anything I'm worried about him or anything he's done, and I said along the lines of 'I've got some other things in my life that require my undivided attention'.

He messaged back and said he'd leave the ball in my court.

Was that an ok response from him?

OP posts:
Original poster
FlagNetdotcom · 22/12/2019 19:06

Thank you, btw, @alwaysmovingforwards

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 22/12/2019 19:14

Seems fine.

But if you're not interested in meeting up I'd cut the contact, short term pain but it's kinder to the guy as he might be getting his hopes up about you.

If he's not the fish for you, set him free rather than allowing him to get snagged on the wrong hook.

BoxtheRight · 22/12/2019 19:36

Not once, in all of the hundreds of threads I've seen asking if a person's behaviour is a red flag, have I seen the answer be no. Listen to your gut.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 22/12/2019 19:53

You did the right thing, OP - well done.

I don't want to have a go at you, but have you considered exploring why you initially felt as though you had to go on the date and then "back out from there"? It wasn't until someone gave you permission (and a script) for a polite "thanks but no thanks" that you were able to do what you wanted all along, ie: say no to the date.

If you are going to date in the future (or even if you aren't) being able to advocate for yourself, and say no to things without feeling somehow "rude" or "mean" is vital.

You also said that you "like to give people the benefit of the doubt". Is this something that you learned growing up? On paper, it sounds great - of course we should think the best of people, innocent until proven guilty, give people a chance, etc. In reality, this phrase is extremely damaging, especially to women, because it is used to encourage them to override their own wishes, put other people's comfort above their own, and even disregard their own internal warning signals and put themselves in danger.

You don't owe a man a date, OP. You aren't being mean by saying no, even if you haven't "given him a chance" first. You don't owe people the benefit of the doubt, or a second chance, or even a first one. Your duty to yourself is much more important.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 22/12/2019 20:00

Excellent post from FineWordsForAPorcupine

Heed it well, OP.

knewyouwerewaiting · 22/12/2019 20:03

I also can’t see why you would go on a date then back out from there! The way you’ve done it is right but don’t get sucked back into chatting or staying ‘friends’ as that won’t work.

Original poster
FlagNetdotcom · 22/12/2019 21:00

@FineWordsForAPorcupine yes, I have quite a lot I need to ruminate on wrt to this whole chat/date episode. You have hit the nail on the head: I really do need to work on my assertiveness.

Learning to recognise red flags is all very well, but perhaps I ought to examine my own learned behaviours in terms of boundary setting and trusting my intuition.

@knewyouwerewaiting you're probably right

OP posts:
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 22/12/2019 21:23

I totally get it - women are socialised to take care of other people (especially men, especially their ego/pride) and it can feel impossible to a) say no and b) leave the other person with positive feelings. In a choice between the two, women are trained to always pick b.

It's a huge issue, and it's one I've been working on myself for a few years - I totally recommend the captain awkward blog. She gives amazing advice and scripts on how to say what you mean, and deal with the resultant feelings. Check it out, especially the dating section (don't know if I'm allowed to link, apols if not)

captainawkward.com/2012/05/14/247-marrying-into-a-family-with-awful-boundary-issues-or-secrets-of-dealing-with-highly-difficult-people/

DecemberDays · 22/12/2019 21:31

I would also cut the contact - it will be hard to keep up non-committal chat and indirect answers and you already know he is not for you.

Original poster
FlagNetdotcom · 22/12/2019 21:35

I'll have a look. Thank you

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 22/12/2019 22:08

There has been something else he's mentioned, which I won't add on here as it would be too outing.

Unless he's one of a 5 man team being sent into space to blow up the asteroid which will destroy all life on earth ... nothing's that outing. You'd be surprised how similar these guys' shit is.

Regardless, you've mentioned it, so it's clearly relevant enough that it would sway opinion and not in a good way.

madcatladyforever · 22/12/2019 22:09

You don't need all this shit in your life, run like hell.

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