New relationship bringing out insecurities.

[Perpetuallysingle]

Just a brain dump really. Long story short - grew up with parents in a highly dysfunctional narc/codependent relationship which wrought havoc on my self esteem. I have had counselling in recent years, discovered I had an insecure attachment growing up and that has underpinned most relationships in my life! I am in a better place than I've ever been now but am not 100% 'cured' and don't think I ever will be tbh.

So, a new relationship is bringing some of this old insecure crap to the surface again. It's like a constant battle between my rational brain and an undercurrent of overanalysing and questioning everything.

All the signs so far are that he really likes me (only a few dates in but I'm falling for him). He tells me so, he's very tactile when we meet and is always keen to meet again.

So why oh why do I continue to overthink this . If he (temporarily) doesn't message as frequently as usual, it sets my brain off over analysing. If he has to cancel plans because of childcare stuff, my brain starts worrying again that he didn't want to see me (even though, ironically it's actually one of the things that attracts me to him, his dedication to his kids). I'm aware of my brain being wired a bit squiffy and I think I'm keeping a lid on it for now, but it's so bloody exhausting having this going on in my head and I want it to stop so I can just enjoy this for what it is.

I think I may see my old counselor again in New year... Is it possible to completely cute yourself of this shit when it's imprinted in your brain from childhood?!

Are you certain you're ready for a relationship OP? It sounds that the fun parts of a new relationship are being virtually eradicated by the insecurities you have. You say it's exhausting and god does it sound it (and I mean that with care and as someone who's experienced similar ).

I would worry that the fact you feel so much so soon (a few dates isn't much at all) and are already worrying about certain scenarios and trying to 'keep a lid on it' is not a long term strategy, for your own sake as well as for the success of a relationship.

Is it something you could discuss with him? Having it out in the open might take a bit of the pressure off for you. I think it's a really good idea to restart therapy. If not with the previous therapist then a relationship/CBT based one, you need an outlet to work through this and strategise effective ways to alter the thought patterns you have instead of keeping a lid on them from coming out, but thinking them anyway.

So frustrating when our brain won't just do what we want it do to for our own good isn't it. You'll get there OP.

Thank you.... I am more wound up than usual today as I'm stressed and tired with other life stuff. (Christmas is a bad time for family shit going on).

Don't get me wrong, I have been enjoying it too. The oxytocin has been flowing but I'm just becoming aware I'm not quite as 'sorted' as I thought I was...

Counselling here I come!

I'm like you in relationships, I convinces myself I had borderline personality disorder, but I don't get the rages but the whole worrying that he hasn't messaged or replied quick enough and the low self esteem and co depedancy thing all pointed to it

I'm with someone now who I don't even want to have sex with but he makes me feel secure, I hate new relationships I find it so hard to trust men, I overthink every little thing, it's horrible I totally understand

Thanks crazymum ...it really is horrible. Rationally my brain can see all is well but subconscious stuff still manages to make me question everything. I've also questioned personality stuff for myself (my dad is a bit borderline or NPD). I hate it.

It can help to remind yourself that you have no control over his feelings. Make a conscious effort to take him at his word until he shows otherwise.

Do you feel you are entitled to be happy?

Thank you @windmillwhirl. That's actually reminded me of a conversation about core beliefs I had once with my counsellor and how I tend to look for evidence that supports those beliefs, rather than the more obvious evidence! He tells me he likes me and is very affectionate. I need to believe it!

Take a leap of faith. Enjoy it for what it is now and see what develops x

I might go to a therapist to as if this relationship doesn't work out due to the sex thing then I'll l need to be where you are trying new relationships then questioning everything worrying he's cheating when he most likely isn't etc you know this stuff I'm on about, scares me off ever trying again incase I end up with someone worse for my mental health

If a therapist can help I might try, have you heard of DBT? it's like CBT but for people with borderline personality disorder, it works for people who have traits if it too even if they're not actually borderline

I have this and have just ended a relationship because of it. I’m pretty sure my instincts are right in your case but it’s really worth exploring with a therapist and being open with your new bf first and see if those things help.
I’ve been having therapy for a few months but I couldn’t move past my feelings of paranoia and he couldn’t compete with that.

I also stayed for longer than I should have because I struggle to differentiate between anxiety/intrusive thoughts/ ruminations and actual gut instinct and physical evidence!
Therapist will help you formulate your thoughts more clearly

@CrazyMum40 yes I've heard of DBT and did look in to it but was too expensive at the time. When the time is right I'll talk with my new dp (I actually feel like he is someone I could open up with, which is huge for me. I tend to be a closed book and avoid any emotional stuff). I don't want to dump all my past crap on him at this early stage but will feel better if he knows the bones of it and hopefully understand.
@outherealone sorry to hear that. Take care x