Relationship

[Guy1234]

Hi all, I would just really like someone elses opinion if honest. So I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost 7 years, though I did break up with her previously around the 3 year mark on New year's Eve.
We got back together after 6-7 months of being apart, she went back to her parents and I rented a flat, I didn't have any ons in that time just fell into work. The reason we broke up was she put an implant in, which I 100% get it's her right but doing so without discussing with me felt a little weird especially when she's now done it again even though our sex life use to be good and now its non existent and I've tried cooking for her sending flowers for no reason but when I have tried to initiate intimacy I get a no and I know a no means no so don't push it but sex one every 3-4 months surely cannot be right either when I've suggested doing other stuff foreplay etc. I just get a no or excuses like oh I was up for something lady light but you didn't bother. Everytime I try to talk to her about whether she wants children she says she does and when bring up the lack of intimacy she gets upset. We're not married and have no children but we have a house together. I feel like the reason she gives not to be internet I just excuses and would like to know what's really going on to which she said it hurts, we've tried KY and other things to try and spice things up a little. Later on she mentioned the pain I said about seeing a doctor which she said she had but turns out she hadn't, I made one for and went along with her as support to get checked out for ovarian cysts as she thinks it might be that. I love this girl bits but when I'm pretty sure she's A sexual and we're in a platonic relationship I'm not sure there anything else I can do to when it feels like they're all just excuses not to sleep with me. Should I just leave or stay because I'm pretty sure no relationship should feel this hard when we don't even have the pressures of children yet.

I don’t like this post at all from the point where you think she should have discussed her contraceptive choices with you

It is not surprising she doesn’t want to have sex with you, you come across as controlling and you expect sex in return for flowers and now trying to make her to go the doctors to find out what’s wrong with her when she doesn’t want to!

I think you should break up yes, and you need to learn how to respect women, their bodies and their choices

I'm sorry you cannot see how supportive and understanding I've been from my post, I should have gone into greater detail. I should have ended it with, what else do you think I can do.

He didn't go to the doctor to find out what's wrong with her because she didn't want sex, he went because she said it was painful and she thinks she has ovarian cysts.

But he does sound a bit controlling, especially splitting up with her because she chose some contraception he didn't agree with (though I do think in a relationship you should discuss your contraceptive choices as a partnership). There is really no relationship here. The op, in my view, should end it, they are simply not compatible.

Leave.

She doesn't want children with you.

She doesn't even want sex with you.

and I don't blame her

Your post is somewhat confusing.
Did you mean to say that 3 years into your relationship you broke up with a gf because she out in a contraceptive implant?
Were you trying to say that after that sex life halted and that was the reason for the original breakup?
As that a similar pattern is happening now?

If you really broke up just because in your head she should have, somehow, discussed her personal contraception choices with you - she made a huge mistake coming back to you.

However - on another points that you raise - about her lack of libido and non-committal stance on kids - IF you want sex and children in the future - you need to find someone else. Mismatched libido can’t be fixed - and someone will suffer. And same with wanting kids (Or not) - can’t be fixed and compromise only leads to resentments

The point is, he booked her a doctor appointment because it’s bothering him so much more than it’s bothering her. I imagine I would feel this was pressuring me. The whole post is about sex I have no idea how the rest of their RS is or what he thinks of her. Just that she doesn’t seem interested in sleeping with him

ie have you even considered that it doesn’t hurt and she isn’t a sexual but there is something wrong with your RS, or she isn’t attracted to you anymore, or she feels pressured? Rather than it being a physical cause

You split up with your partner because she got a contraceptive implant and you didn't agree with it - Were you desperate for a baby and she didn't want one so she took measurements to ensure it would never happen. Did you split up because she refused to get pregnant?

Is she refusing to have sex with you because you are determined to get her pregnant and she still doesn't want a baby?

She's not interested in a full relationship with you OP... I'd leave

Why is her choice of contraceptive (that people take for more than just no babies btw) affecting you? That I don't get.

Does the implant affect her libido? If so, then it affects both of you, and yes, it should be discussed

If sex is that important to you, then yes, it sounds like you two shouldn't be together and are mismatched in a fundamental way.

The way you describe her lack of interest as 'excuse' is interesting. It makes it sound like a chore! Like she's purposefully deceiving you. Some people just don't have a strong sex drive I'm afraid. It doesn't mean that if you run them through tests that anything will show up though. That's just the way they are. They might be into it at the beginning when everything is new and exciting, but it settles down into their normal pattern eventually. You can buy her all the flowers you want, and it won't make a difference. Also, consider the fact that if she knows you're buying flowers just for sex, that in itself will be a total turn off. She might think 'Right, he's being nice, but the only reason why he's doing this is to get something that he wants. He' not dling it for me. He's not doing it to be nice, to make me feel happy. He's doing it for himself'. That can make someone feel like a tool, and object.

Also, the major thing here is that you split up with her over the fact that she got an implant. She doesn't need your permission to do this. I'm sure you will say 'but I'm not controllimg', but this, really, really makes it sound like you are. Hormonal contraception is no walk in the park. It can really affect a woman's health. You should not be influencing that in this way, and splitting up with someone over it??

Ok, I can see I've not really communicated myself or the situation well here. I love this women to absolute bits but think shouldn't there be a way we can make our relationship even better for both of us and more intimate, than it already is. Yes she treats sex any sex like a chore when I consider it to mean more sometimes. If being intimate with one another is so few and far between why would she feel she needs to get an implant, yes I know it only takes one time to conceive and yes condoms break but the implant isn't 100-percent effective either though I know she might also have to help with monthly cycle. If she's really not that into me why would she not just end the relationship or is she hoping I will or is it just she likes the idea of me? I didn't mean this sound about just sex. You have to understand I expect absolutely nothing from any relationship and I'm only ever thankful for what I receive from it but shouldn't feel like I'm consumed by love and the other of respect both ways rather than something that's brought out for a short time and then forgotten about for 3 or more months at a time. I've never brought her flowers, Chocolates on the premise of a sexual encounter later that day, week only ever to show my affection for her so believe you've misread what I'm trying to say. Thanks for the insight though

Guy, a lot of women go on hormonal birth control for other reasons. It doesn't mean she's cheating on you, if that's what you're worried about. Sometimes it's nothing to do with sex. Read up on it. Many women will go on birth control because they simply don't want the hassle of having periods. Some have implants because they just know they'll forget to take the pill. Some do it to help even out their moods. Other do it because it clears their skin up, ect.

It's very difficult to end a relationship over sex, but I've read about sexually mismatching couples becoming a problem so many times that I think it should be discussed really on in relationships before anyone gets too attached. The person with a lower sex drive feels pestered, uncomfortable, and maybe even used. The person with the higher sex drive ends up feeling neglected, frustrated, unloved, unattractive and eventually even resentful. This will probably grow worse in time, so be prepared for that.

Also, be brave and consider that there might be things that you don't know about here. She might simply not enjoy having sex with you for all sorts of reasons. All you can do is keep your communications calm, sympathetic, and open to hearing things you don't like that you might find hurtful. If there is something that she's not telling you for whatever reason, then there is just nothing you can do about that.

Just keep the communication channel open, but be prepared also that there's no reason at all behind any of this - she might be just one of those type of people who don't enjoy sex. She might find you attractive, but she just doesn't feel that urge to actually have sex. My concern is that you are going to tie yourself into knots over the this and you will both be worse off for it. Just prepare yourself for the fact that unfortunately, you are not well matched in this way and you might need to call it a day.

I don't get it - what was your issue with the implant?

You thought she must have been shagging other people in order to need contraception enough to get an implant?

Funnily enough the world doesn't revolve around you.

You sound extremely self absorbed. I agree re the frequency of sex in that I couldn't be with someone who didn't want to have sex regularly and really enjoy it - so if someone wasn't compatible with me in that way I would end the relationship. Not keep on and on at them pushing for reasons why not / trying to persuade guilt them into it with flowers etc when they've made it very clear they don't want to.

If she's asexual (or at least doesn't want a sex life with you) and your relationship is platonic then you've already broken up in a way. You aren't in a romantic or sexual relationship.

It's never going to be easier for you both than now when it comes to ending it and moving on. No shared house or kids yet already so much angst and incompatibility.

It's much kinder for both of you to walk away.

OP why did you get back together, what was the lead up to that? Did you have a proper discussion at that time or just drift back together because it was familiar for you both?

We can only guess what your GF is feeling and after 7 years together and a shared home why has this relationship not progressed to marriage or children, what is stopping you both from making the next step together and progressing in some way. Would you both be willing to consider counselling to either resolve the issues between you or to help you both move on to the next stage of life separately?