NFI... How do I find ‘my people’?

[Lonelythisxmas]

I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself but would also love some practical advice.

I have a group of friends, one of them I’m quite close with and who ‘gets’ me. I don’t make friends easily—I don’t actually know why but I think I come across as quite prickly (I’m really not). But this group of girls are good fun and we’ve had some good times together. I definitely wouldn’t say they are ‘best’ friends though.

I found out a few weeks ago that most of them had gone to London for a day of Christmas shopping, lunch etc. I was a bit sad because I would have loved that, but I’m fairly resilient so I put it down to just something they’d arranged between them. I’m also a single mum, so maybe they assumed I wouldn’t have childcare. (Although if they paid attention to me they would know that I’m on my own a fair amount because my kids go to their Dad’s...)

I’ve been invited to a couple of things in between, but then on Friday I noticed they all turned up to the school playground at the same time, done up to the nines. I said to my closest friend that she looked nice and asked whether she’d been anywhere nice. She said out for lunch.

It’s clear I wasn’t invited again. What hurts is that they know I am on my own and am lonely at times. I’ve told them! And I would have thought that the girl I’m closest to at least would have though to invite me? They seem to like me, although when we’re together it is usually me asking all the questions (they rarely ask about me).

Do they actually dislike me or are they just so absorbed in their own lives and each other that they don’t even notice?

I’m feeling really down now and would just love a group of friends I could have fun with. All the clubs and hobbies in my area seem to attract older retired people or people who are not my kind. So how do I meet new friends?

Several people have said to me lately that they didn’t think they would like me before they got to know me. I asked why and they said it was because I was ‘so glamorous’. I’m fairly attractive and dress nicely but I’m not exactly a supermodel! Do I really give off such horrible vibes?

Bumping because I feel so invisible at the moment and would love some advice!

Oh...that really feels shit when that happens. No advice l'm afraid....just sympathy..

It happens to everyone don’t worry. I always feel particularly unloved at this time of year! Just keep being gracious and go along happily to the things you are invited to. In time you may become closer to them or you may find other people to be closer with. Just don’t worry, we all have moments that feel like a mini punch in the guts sometimes.

This exact thing happened to me too. A group of friends I was a part of all went for an Xmas night out and didn't invite me. It stings and I feel really down. So I've no advice, but I know you feel.

What about joining the pta/friends of school type organisation and meet some of the other mums that way? We don't know why you didn't get an invite or what vibe you give off, but don't be hard on yourself! Playgrounds can be very cliquey in my experience, but I've always enjoyed helping out at the discos and you get chatting to the other mums. Being a single mum is hard work (I'm one) and if they all have partners they might not quite 'get it'. You sound lovely so try not to feel down about it. If you have a particular interest look for clubs in your area, like a writing club or cooking. Good luck

Oh no that’s rubbish. I’m sorry. Have you tried inviting them to do things? Horrible isn’t it. I see people out doing things and I haven’t been invited.

@Fridakahlofan thank you, that made me feel better. It is a really crap time of year in some ways, isn’t it? I feel so uncared for, and I have a crap family which makes friends even more important to me.

@Silencedwitness I would love to invite people over but I have a tiny house so it’s not always that practical. Plus I always have a massive fear that people won’t come and then I’ll feel worse! I probably come across as confident but I’m actually not very good at putting myself out there.

I think people just tend to think of themselves. So your closest friend is just interested in herself getting an invite. To find somebody who likes to make sure everybody is invited is rare in my experience. It takes compassion and kindness to be like that. School mum friendships are particularly flakey. It’s best to build individual friendships in lots of different areas. If you’ve got time on your hands how about doing an evening class?

If you’ve got a tiny house then invite one over at a time. The best friends are the ones you can hang out with one on one

I have experienced something similar to this and it really hurts. Sometimes people do these things without thinking. I would say try and get out there to anything you can, don't focus on finding people who 'get' you, that comes with time in my experience. Just have fun meeting different people and you might be surprised. PTA is a good shout but maybe volunteer or join a choir if you have the time. Take some risks to put yourself out there, it's feels awkward at first but you will be glad you did it. Keep searching and you will find your tribe

@whonoes I’d love to do an evening class, but most of my evenings alone are at weekends, when there don’t seem to be any classes. Money is also a bit of an issue. Will look into it though, thank you.

I seem to get this a lot to and I imagine it's down to your looks . I have been pushed out of a group because one of them got it into their heads thAt I wanted her husband ..( I really don't , mine is much nicer!!) it's all in her head but it has had a knock on effect of me being alienated . It sucks !!
As I get older I realise a lot of women have mental health issues and are very in secure which is somehow everyone else fault if you are not ! 🙄

@oohnicevase I do think things change when you’re divorced. For example I know that there’s a whole Sunday lunch ‘thing’ that goes on between different families and I’m never invited because I don’t come as a couple.

I also don’t think my friends like me socialising with their husbands (like because I’m single I’m going to try to seduce them all?!)

I don’t think people realise how much they leave lone parents out.

It's shit when I don't want their bloody husbands , mine is so much better in every single way . I am confident and accepted my looks a long time ago and I'm confident , that seems to be a massive threat to some women .

I would genuinely step away from these people they don’t sound nice or kind.
The Sunday lunch thing is really shitty.

Buts it’s not you it’s them.

What do you enjoy doing? What are your hobbies? Do you work?

I would genuinely step away from these people they don’t sound nice or kind.

And have no friends at all? It’s taken me ten years to get this far, so if I stepped away I would be alone, possibly for a long time.

Have you tried meetup.com? There are loads of people in the same boat there, looking for friendships, and they have a lot on at the weekends. xxx

Well in that case call them out on it.

Are you a bit shy? Pretty and shy can be a really toxic combo, can be intepreted as snooty and consequently you're shunned...which naturally leads to more anxiety and shyness.