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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can I help my alcoholic sister?

21 replies

Genericnamechangetime · 22/12/2019 07:29

Named changed for this as very sensitive.

My half DSis (same Dad) has had a chaotic life. She’s 13 years older than me. Dad split from her mum when she was 2 as she cheated and was unstable (turns out 30 years later she is bi polar). My sis didn’t have a very nice childhood from what I can gather. She saw Dad every other weekend - but less as my brother and I came along (which I think is awful )
There is a massive backstory that would fill pages if I went into it. So I’m sorry if anything comes up that seems like a drip feed later.
Important points;
She’s was sexual abused by her step dad at 18. Her Mum blackmailed the Step dad into signing over the house rather than go to the police.
She’s never been able to hold down a job for long.
Married a man from Barbados after repeated holidays there (back when you could get cheap deals in the late 90s early 2000)
He’s still there as she doesn’t earn enough to qualify for visa to bring him over
She’s always drunk loads and had a party life style. Not helped by always working in bars
Always expected her parents to bail her out with money (they must have spent thousands over the years) never been able to budget or save
Always run away from a situation that got a little difficult and always blamed everyone else for her situation. (Shes has 25 years of bosses bulling her across hundreds of different jobs Hmm

Anyway like I said loads more too it. But she has finally burnt her bridges with her mum after drinking all her Christmas wine while she was away and found unconscious on garage floor. So her mum chucked her out (100th time I’ve the last 25 years) and said she can’t go back.
She admitted to dad she has a problem and wants help. So he took her in and said he would pay for counselling on the condition she does not drink and goes to AA. She went to one meeting and refused to go again. She then back tracked and said she didn’t have a problem. She kept drinking in secret and was being argumentative when drunk and collapsing on the floor. Hidden bottle of gin under sofa cushions. Getting blind drink in 45 minutes from leaving counsellor and arriving home. Dad said that she has one more chance to try and stop, go to GP and get help etc and she said she’s leaving as it’s not working out and she can’t be herself (I.e not drink)

So now she’s gone to a friends up north who has two youngish kids and I just can’t see it lasting. She has no job or money- does she expect this woman to fund her? How will this woman feel when she wets the bed as she is so wasted (as she has done multiple times). I can just see it ending in disaster.

Dad said he won’t have her back, their relationship has broken down as has the one with her mum. I have two preschool children and a small house. I can’t have her here and expose my children to her behaviour. Especially when she won’t admit she’s a problem or seek help.

She has suffered in her life but she has used this as an excuse for her behaviour all these years. Surely there is a point where people have to own up to their own behaviour? She’s never sought counselling over the sexual assault despite people encouraging her so many times. The only reason she went this time is Dad said she couldn’t stay otherwise.

People have helped her again and again and she just defaults to her same behaviour and nothing changes.

What can I do to help her. People are giving up on her and I have visions of her ending up in the street and drinking herself to death.

OP posts:
Genericnamechangetime · 22/12/2019 07:32

Sorry for the typos, I’m on my phone.

OP posts:
kevintheorangecarrot · 22/12/2019 07:33

I have experienced this many times. The only person that can help them.. is THEMSELVES. If your sister cannot help herself, then you don't have a chance either. You can only talk to her and support her. It's hard, tiring and rough but there's only so much you you can do.

ElluesPichulobu · 22/12/2019 07:43

until she decides to actually make a change, anything you do to "help" would just be contributing towards her denial and evasion. it is Ok to tell her that while she is still drinking you will not be involved in her life in any way, but when she is ready to stop you will be there for her.

Genericnamechangetime · 22/12/2019 08:30

It’s hard to just do nothing. I feel terribly guilty.

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LampLighterInn · 22/12/2019 08:32

The honest answer is that you cannot help her. As other posters have written, she has to come to her own awakening and often this is when the alcoholic has hit rock bottom. No amount of advice, coercion or cajoling on your part will work.
Addictions makes those who have them into slaves.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/12/2019 08:37

You cannot help your sister, she does not want your help or support here. There is also a very fine line between actual support and enabling and you could well end up enabling her. The only one who can help your sister is her own self. Sadly she could well go onto lose everything and everyone around her and she could even then choose to drink afterwards.

You can only help your own self ultimately. I would consider contacting Al-anon; they are very good re people who are worried or otherwise affected by another person's drinking.

humblesims · 22/12/2019 08:42

Its so tough. I also have an alcoholic DSis and for many many years myself and other people tried to help her. You know, I think, that no one can help her until she honestly admits to herself that she needs help. The only way you can be of help to her is by setting very firm boundaries of tough love but still, if possible, keeping the channels of communication open. On a brighter note, all may not be lost. My own DSis got dry and has been now for nearly ten years. . I am very proud of her. The drunk you see is not the person underneath. Your sister is in a great deal of pain and the alcohol is just masking that. Its really shit for everyone concerned. Flowers

humblesims · 22/12/2019 08:48

It’s hard to just do nothing. I feel terribly guilty
I know. For many years my primary emotion was anger. I felt so much anger whenever she fell off the wagon again. But it is wasted emotion. As is guilt. You are not 'doing nothing'. You will be there for her when she is ready for help.

mdh2020 · 22/12/2019 08:52

Been there, done that. I have no advice that can make your sister stay sober. I can only tell you that she will only seek help when she reaches rock bottom and rock bottom is much much lower than you could ever imagine.
You can’t help her except just by being there and picking her up off the floor and calling an ambulance if necessary. Alcoholics can only help themselves.
Don’t cover for her by lying and don’t get sucked into endless conversations with friends who want to discuss why she drinks. It can take over your life.
Remember:
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it.
Print this out and pin it where you see it everyday.
There are Al-anon groups on Facebook and there will also be local meetings you can attend.
Look after yourself because trying to look after her will make you ill.

Aussiebean · 22/12/2019 08:55

Have you looked into Al-non?

Genericnamechangetime · 22/12/2019 09:04

Thank you so much for your replies. I will check out the AI-anon group. I know deep down I can’t do anything to help her. I think she knows too that no one can wave a magic wand and to get better requires hard work that she doesn’t want to do.

I carry a lot of guilt around the fact her upbringing with her mother was so shit and mine with our dad and my mum was quite lovely in comparison.

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pooopypants · 22/12/2019 09:10

Echoing what PP have said - you can't make her help herself, it has to be self driven. Until she admits that she has a problem, she can't fix it.

You will get some good advice on here, you might want to pop over to the 'alcohol support' board too, some amazing people with good advice on there too.

Be kind to yourself OP, you didn't cause this, it isn't your fault

ToBreatheAgain · 22/12/2019 09:19

You can’t save her from herself. If she one day wants to stop drinking (for herself not because of someone telling her it's get help or leave) and recognises she has a problem you can support her in recovery. Unless that happens there is nothing you can do. I learnt that the hard way. I was going to suggest Al anon too. You need support through this.

ThighThighOfthigh · 22/12/2019 09:27

Do you have much of a relationship with her, it sounds like you didn't really grow up together? Echoing pp you cannot get an alcoholic to stop drinking, they will or they won't.

IM0GEN · 22/12/2019 09:31

I work with street homeless people and I know many people like your sister. Who have good and loving families who have tried everything they Possibly could to make them stop drinking/ taking drugs. Some of them have nearly destroyed themselves in the process.

Sadly I agree with all the PP. There’s nothing you can do to stop her. All you can do is get support from yourself , to help you come to peace with your own choices.

Please contact al anon, as everyone says. For many people it saves their sanity, to meet others who understand the terrible guilt , the overwhelming anger and the fear of judgement.

Do it now, don’t wait until after Christmas. Drinkers don’t take Christmas off and sadly it’s not a time of peace and goodwill for their families.

Genericnamechangetime · 22/12/2019 10:19

No we’re not close, thigh. I hardly saw her growing up. I saw her more when I was little bit don’t remember. I still care for her and we’ve had some fun times. But she’s always been a bit reserved. I know she resents me and my brother for our upbringing and think we’re the golden children (she’s said this). But I still hate to see her like this and the heartbreak it causes.

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pointythings · 22/12/2019 11:30

You can't help her. You can only be there when she is ready to help herself and even then you need to be very careful not to slip back into enabling her. It is horrible to watch someone you love destroy themselves. It's the hardest thing in the world. There are a lot of us on here who have done it - in my case it was my husband.

I would strongly recommend you start attending Al-Anon - they will be able to help you develop healthy coping strategies for you to be able to deal with all the difficult feelings having an addict in your life brings.

Blushingm · 22/12/2019 11:45

My mum behaved in a similar way but rather than her parents bailing her out she used her ex (my dad) and his new wife

In and out of hospital, many attempts at detox, lost contact with 2 daughters and grandchildren and eventually died at 57 with just my brother trying his best to help her.

Only she could help herself - she didn't, hopefully your sister will but there's nothing you can do

IM0GEN · 22/12/2019 11:46

I know you feel guilty , but you need to keep reminding yourself that her shit upbringing wasn’t your fault. You were just a child yourself , it wasn’t your responsibility.

Addicts are experts at shifting the blame. It’s one of the more subtle things that makes them hard to be around. Everyone thinks it’s the drinking / stealing / violence / vomiting / verbal abuse / drama. But it’s also how good they are putting their own uncomfortable feelings onto everyone else, who is left with them while the alcoholic seems oblivious.

RhinoskinhaveI · 22/12/2019 11:55

You have to prioritise your own well-being here, your half sister is like a drowning person flailing about and threatening to drag everyone under the water with her.
Unfortunately I've seen this play out with people that I know 😥

Genericnamechangetime · 22/12/2019 17:24

Thank you all for your comments.

IM0GEN that’s exactly what’s she’s done for as long as I can remember. And she is genuinely oblivious to how she makes others feel. I’m going to try and enjoy Christmas and not let it spoil things

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