Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

What do I do?

21 replies

Luby34 · 21/12/2019 19:58

I have been with my partner for 4 years but the issue I have is that I want desperately to move back home where my family and friends are and where house prices are so much cheaper and my wages would be the same as when I am living now. He wants to stay down south because his wages are more, yet house prices are extortionate, and he has a daughter who he sees every second weekend and she isnt old enough to travel on her own. So the question is, do I leave my relationship and move back where I really want to go and where I will have a better quality of life or do I stay in a place where I am going to be poor for the rest of my life!! We are actually moving into a caravan soon from a rented house because we simply cannot afford to save for a deposit... he will NOT move, I have had many arguments about this with him. What do i do? I do love him but I am miserable and the whole situation is getting me down.

OP posts:

Emma198 · 21/12/2019 20:02

If you stay, will you resent him so much you'll leave anyway?

I wouldn't want or expect someone to move away from their child. So i guess what would you rather, moving home, being single with the potential to find someone new, or staying with him with the potential in the long term to live somewhere you're happy in?

I was in the exact same situation apart from my husband didn't have a child. We moved back near my family because we wanted to start our own family and not be isolated away from our parents.

Original poster

Luby34 · 21/12/2019 20:06

Yes I totally agree with the child comment, she is a priority and I will never take that away from him. But there is no potential of living somewhere nice - even if there is, I am still 3 hours away from my family and friends.

OP posts:

Musti · 21/12/2019 20:07

How can he move when he has a child??

Newnamewhodis1 · 21/12/2019 20:07

Are you likely to earn the money you do now where you want to move to and actually have a better quality of life? Or will you earn less and actually you'll still be skint?

Regardless I would never expect a parent to move away from their child. Don't have a relationship with someone with kids if you think this is a reasonable request.

If moving home is more important to you than having a relationship with this man, and with his child, and if it's more important to you than supporting his relationship with his child then move home alone.

Life is short. Parenting and bring with someone you love is more important than buying a home

Original poster

Luby34 · 21/12/2019 20:08

Forgot to add, we did look at moving half way, but even then house prices are ridiculous and I would still be 90 mins away from family and friends and he would be even further away from.his work, still having to trek an hour to see his daughter. Sorry, I'm just confused

OP posts:

Newnamewhodis1 · 21/12/2019 20:11

Op - this man and his child are your family too. Do you appreciate that? It doesn't sound like you do.

Original poster

Luby34 · 21/12/2019 20:13

My salary is the same wherever I go in the country so with house prices cheaper where I want to go, I would actually be having a better quality of life financially.

He sees his daughter every 2nd weekend, it's not every day.

Being with someone I love is important but we will live in a caravan - his daughter isnt happy about this and most likely embarrassed to tell her friends - and still have no money to do anything. He is in debt and at 40 years old has absolutely no pension. I'm scared for the future.

OP posts:

WhoTheFuckIsGail · 21/12/2019 20:14

He is absolutely right not to move away from his daughter.

If you want to move that badly, you will be doing it alone. Or if you love him that much that you don't want to split up you will have to find a way to make it work where you are.

If you really are that miserable over it, split and move.

Original poster

Luby34 · 21/12/2019 20:15

@Newnamewhodis1 of course I do, that's why I am confused and dont know what to do. I am depressed and he doesn't think about that.

OP posts:

Newnamewhodis1 · 21/12/2019 20:16

Op - if you are both earning so little you can't afford a one bedroom flat, are you entitled to benefits?

I'm sure people can offer advice if you are willing to disclose your take home pay and where you live

Sushiroller · 21/12/2019 20:17

he has a daughter who he sees every second weekend and she isnt old enough to travel on her own.

He can't be expected to abandon his child.

But equally caravan living wouldn't be for me and I wouldn't be willing to put my life/dreams on hold. In your shoes I'd move back home, get on the ladder and try to meet someone else

yellowallpaper · 21/12/2019 20:19

We moved from Hampshire to Yorkshire because buying our own home became more and more unattainable every month that went by. Left his parents behind and mine further away than previously. We would still be in rented now in a poor area rather than a nice 3 bed detached in a quiet village. DH still gets a bit homesick but I don't regret it.

His child though is a real issue and he simply cannot leave her

Pilot12 · 21/12/2019 20:19

He can't move because of his child so the question really is "should I stay with this person or move on?".

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him or move away, start again, meet somebody else.....?

user1479305498 · 21/12/2019 20:23

Can you afford the rent at the moment, it’s just you can’t save for a house deposit— because I’ve had years and years like this. In the end we decided to rent lovely houses in good areas because unless we get left a ton of cash or our business suddenly makes half a million etc we wouldn’t actually be able to buy anyway in areas we actually enjoyed living. I’ve seen too many people I know living somewhere they hated just to say they own- whereas in reality unless they had huge deposits or a ton of equity, they own ‘a bit’ the bank own the rest

Newnamewhodis1 · 21/12/2019 20:23

Am I right in thinking the take home minimum salary in the UK is around £1300 a month? If you're both on minimum wage that's £2600 income between you. Where I am you can rent a one bed flat for £1000. Is that not do-able?

Newnamewhodis1 · 21/12/2019 20:25

Why are you depressed? Is there more going on than the home owning thing? Is the real issue that you are lonely and miss your friends and family?

HeddaGarbled · 21/12/2019 20:33

He can’t move away from his daughter. That’s that. It’s not his fault so you’re unfair to be annoyed with him about it.

You need to decide whether you want to live in a caravan for lurve, or not. Your choice.

Bitofnamechanging · 21/12/2019 20:34

It sounds like you wish to separate and move back to your parents area but that you aren't ready to take that leap.

Good for your partner refusing to move away from his daughter.

I empathise with your situation though

BumbleBeee69 · 21/12/2019 20:40

Leave and find your own life OP, this man is tied to this location, you are not.

dontgobaconmyheart · 22/12/2019 11:46

Your life is your own OP and ignoring nagging doubts like this might lead to regrets. Just because we love someone it doesnt mean the relationship is right for us or improving our life.

He can't move as he has a daughter so you need to think seriously about what you are going to do with your life and to improve your life- there is no point looking to him for this even if it feels unfair, tough though that is.

AgentJohnson · 22/12/2019 20:39

It comes down to what is more important to you. You appear to be of the mindset that him moving is still an option, when for understandable reasons, it isn’t.

You and your partner have different priorities and you’ve been late in accepting them.

The decision is yours to make.

Flip