Husband drinking

[thepushover123]

Hello, I’m looking for some advice I think, or maybe just to vent.

My DH has been seeking some help for problem drinking, all had been going well until recently, I met him from a work day out and he had clearly drank a lot, I tried to pretend like everything was ok because I know trying to challenge him about it when he’s been drinking is pointless. The next day he stank of it, it was really awful. Not long after being up he started drinking a glass of wine that was left over from the night before - I have never known this happen before, I said ‘are you really drinking that’ and he said he didn’t want to waste it.

We had birthday present shopping to do later that day and he generally just couldn’t be bothered an admitted as much, then he had a couple of drinks with lunch and suddenly had a bit more about him. He carried on drinking in the evening when we got home but not to the point of being drunk.

Just feels like he’s rubbing my face in it, and he was doing so well prior to that. I’m scared about what will happen over Xmas if this is some sort of relapse, I’m just so fed up with this not so merry dance. Any advice or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Well, it's not a question of if it's a relapse. It is. He's presumably in the spiral of 'I've wrecked my sobriety now anyway so why stop?'.

It isn't about you, if that makes you feel any better. He isn't doing it to rub your face in it. He's doing it because he has a problem with alcohol.

How is he getting support, I assume he's not in AA? If he is, he needs to call his sponsor. If he's getting support through an alcohol service, is there a number he can call? If he's been going it alone, he needs to accept that he won't be able to stay sober that way and he needs to get help. (You said in your post that he has been seeking help, so I assume he isn't going it alone).

You don't have to accept this or minimise it - not because it's Christmas (like most of the world's population, I stay sober at Christmas) or because he'll react badly if challenged. That's on him. Don't hide this from other people but do decide what you are willing to accept. Looking the other way isn't helping him, and it isn't helping you.

It's impossible to predict if he might shake himself out of the shame spiral quickly or if he's going to go all the way to the bottom again. What will help him is to know his drinking has consequences.

I hope you manage to sort something out so that you at least can enjoy Christmas.

I just don’t know how to tackle it with him, I don’t want to make things worse but I know not doing anything just normalises the behaviour and so he thinks he can keep doing it, or do it again. I want everything to be ok, but I know it’s not and don’t know when or if it will be again.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would urge you to read the 3 act play that is alcoholism because you are really as caught up in this as he is and you need to get off this merry go around. The link is here:-www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

Like so very many posts of this type its mainly about the alcoholic rather than you. What about you in all this, where are your needs here?. Who is looking out for and after you here?. He is most certainly not and your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you and he are properly apart. You cannot rescue and or act as a saviour in a relationship because it does not work and he does not want your help or support either.

You can only help your own self ultimately.

I would also urge you to attend Al-anon meetings and at the very least read their literature and phone them. You will meet people like you in those meetings.