Advice on speaking to children about abusive/absent/useless fathers

[User17735356]

So I have several questions and hoping to get some tried and tested methods.

While I realise that it’s not considered good form to bad mouth the other parent after separation, where is the line drawn on this?

What if the father is emotionally abusive towards the mother? Would not condemning his behaviour be making it seem okay?

What if he’s never bothered with his children?

My DD is 14. Her biological father treated me very badly, moved aborad shortly after her birth (he’s not British) and has never wanted anything to do with her until now.

Her step father and I separated a few years ago. She adores him and still sees him despite him being financially and verbally abusive towards me. He has also been physically abusive.

It's not bad mouthing her father to be truthful about his abuse. Otherwise you are normalising it and suggesting it is acceptable.

Do not lie, do not cover for him, and definitely do not minimise or start positioning blame with yourself for "making him" commit abuse. Otherwise how can she protect herself and break the cycle in her own life?

She needs clear, honest information. Anything else puts her at risk.

"Dad did x, which is wrong and not how anyone should behave because..." Type comments.

It's not about his personality, it's about his behaviour and why those behaviours are problematic. It's educating her about the difference between healthy and abusive relationships.

Doing the Freedom Programme course or reading the book may help.You figure out how to approach this.

Also, you really don't need to list the types of abusive tactics used on you - it's all part of the same thing and is all about power and control. Coercive control. That covers it. Both men abused you. There's no threshold where their abuse would have been acceptable - zero abuse is the only acceptable level. You don't need to try and prove it was "bad enough" by listing it all out.

The fact that one man preferred a particular range of tactics to control you whereas another man preferred a different range of tactics is beside the point. Focus on teaching her about the dynamics driving abuse and identifying patterns rather than trying to spot example behaviours. It's not "does he hit you?" , it's "does he control you?" .

DD’s dad is a dick, who she doesn’t have contact with (his decision). I’ve always condemned his behaviour but I’ve been neutral about him personally. Condemning the behaviour and talking about boundaries and why they are important, will hopefully help her in the future and that positive is my focus.

Thanks

Her biological dad has got in touch with her recently and is telling her he loves her, wants to pay for her to visit him etc etc... She’s been replying telling him she loves him too. I’m a bit concerned as he’s never bothered with her at all and she just seems to smitten.

I’ve explained in detail what happened and she doesn’t seem to care

I guess it’s just a complex thing and no real right or wrong answers