Should I give up hope?

[Blendette]

I have been secretly in love with a male friend for 2 years. I think he’s very fond of me and sees/speaks/texts/calls me more than any of his other friends. I value his friendship very much so I haven’t told him how I feel about him. I’m afraid that it will ruin our friendship.

Initially I thought he was very interested too but over the last year he has changed. Whereas before he was a bit flirty and made me feel special and important to him, this past year there has been a shift. Now he’s perfectly friendly, opens up to me about all kinds of intimate subjects, etc, but he has changed. Some examples...
Previously he would have driven me home from a meet up. Now he walks me to the station but doesn’t even make sure my train is running.
Previously he would tell me how much he enjoys my company. Now he teases me a bit too much to the point of feeling like he’s putting me down.

I’m a fool. I love this man. Do you think that I should give up all hope of being with him? He has a complicated situation with his ex and his children that means he’s hesitant with relationships. He also has a difficult relationship with his brother who is an alcoholic but who brought him up. He seems terrified of intimacy.

Do I keep going with our intense friendship and hope that one day things change?

I also have children. We’re both 39.

Run, run fast

Just tell him. Life's too short.

You can try and read and unravel every scenario but you'll just drive yourself mad.

If you want a romantic relationship with him, just tell him. If he's keen - great. And if not, we'll at least you'll know and can decide whether to carry on the friendship or not.

Seriously. Tell him!

TheoriginalLEM please say a bit more to explain.

Just tell him. Life's too short.
I want to tell him but I’m really scared. I think that if I had told him a year ago then it would have been different. A year ago I felt like we were equally into each other. Now it feels like his body language is off.

You can try and read and unravel every scenario but you'll just drive yourself mad.
I know.

If you want a romantic relationship with him, just tell him. If he's keen - great. And if not, we'll at least you'll know and can decide whether to carry on the friendship or not.
I think that if I tell him how I feel about him and if he doesn’t feel the same he’ll cool off the friendship and it will be ruined forever. As it is, I have hope that one day the planets will align, his personal situation will be simpler, he’ll realise how happy he is around me, etc, and we’ll get together. If I tell him now and it’s the wrong time then I risk ruining everything.

Seriously. Tell him!
I think he must know already. Unless he’s a complete fool.

I am with twentynine. Just find a good time to speak to him and tell him how you feel. Then just accept whatever his response is, even if it is negative, and move on.

But what about playing the long game?

I think life is too short for the long game. If he is not interested in a relationship with you then you are better off knowing sooner rather than later so you can move on.

There's no long game, that's called wasting years of your life. Ask him, if, as you suspect, he's not up for it, at least you can move on and stop wasting the next however many years on a fantasy. He may change his mind years down the line whether or not he reacts positively now, so I don't think that's a good reason to put it off tbh.

@Blendette what do you class as the long game, you're two years in!!

I agree you should have said something a year ago, but two years later is much better than three years later. Or four or five or six... whatever the long game is!

Would you prefer to chance not having him as a friend or always wondering what if?

It's Christmas. I'm sure you've seen Love Actually. Do it!

Sounds like he has a feeling you are into him and he doesn't want to string you along as he doesn't feel the same way I'm sorry to say, I might be wrong though