Can people change, is it worth trying again?

[GirlOnIt]

We separated around 6 months ago, mostly due to him being controlling. No violence or cheating though.
We have a ds and I was pregnant when we separated and now have a 5 week dd as well.

Since DD's arrival I've noticed a big change in him. We've been spending more time together and getting on well. It's been lovely and I'm wondering if it's worth trying again.
He said he's been dealing with his insecurities and he realises what he's lost and he's desperate to try make it up to me and start again. He swears it will be different, that he will be different.

I'm just so confused!

Really hard one. I think it's worth taking it very slowly. Don't rush to move in together etc, but perhaps start letting him over a few more nights and test the waters. Hold your standards high, and let him see you will too. Remember with such a little one (congratulations!) you're bound to feel a little vulnerable and emotional too, so don't act reactively to that - take your time to make a decision x

In my opinion controlling people can never change their habits. They might try but will always slip back up.

He has been here more recently @sirmione16. I think you're right about taking it slowly and being cautious of the hormones. He's been so different and so much better after DD's arrival compared with DS's.

That's my worry @yorkshiregodscountry. But then I think some people must be able change.

No, people dont just change, not even if they really mean it.
Tell him to go for intensive therapy and deal with his controlling behaviour. It will take him at least 18 months of therapy. If he is serious, he'll do it.

My guess is that at the moment he is in the second honeymoon phase, is playing nice guy, and will say anything if he thinks it will get him what he wants.

I differ to those above. I work with people very entrenched in addictions. I’ve seen a good 90% completely turn over their lives. I always think you should give someone a second chance. Especially after what I know now.

However. There are some. That just don’t/won’t change and you have to be prepared for that.

People do change- it's called acting.
Essentially he is who he's always been. A few tweaks won't change essentially him.

Mrshue Would you say your clients who have addictions have an intervention of one kind or another that makes them think about changing?

He is having therapy and he wasn't controlling at the start, it started after Ds. But he seems more like himself in general too and happier. He's taken football back up and he's changed job so he's got less pressure there now and he's able to spend more time with the Dc.

I guess the bigger issue is 'who is he?' @Spied. Dp who I was with for years who wasn't controlling or Dp after Ds was born who was.
I guess I'm hoping it was the adjustment to having a baby/family to provide for and that he's not really that man.

Unfortunately I'll only know if we try again and even then, how long do I give him before I feel sure. Or will I never be sure, and how would that play out long term.

I really don't know, I'm very 50/50.

I’ve completely changed how I am in relationships so do believe people can change

I separated with my ex nearly 3 years ago.
Our son was only 3 months old.
Reason: controling, cheating, mental and finance abuse.
During this time I thought he has changed.
I gave him few chances and alway was disappointed.
It was lovely for while then everything back to old ways .
In my opinion u should never walk to some river twice.
Last chance he had 3 moths ago.
I thought we can work thing out but when I checked his phone I found out he is talking and seeing 2 others girls .
I was heart broken again.
I ended and im moving on.
I waisted 7 years and he doesnt deserved any more .
I understand it hard for u with kids .
My advice is u can give him one chance because everyone deserve it but set boundaries and dont rush.
Good luck

People can change.

My ex was really controlling. He realized it, he tried to change a few times. We had more than one huge "this has to change" moment in our marriage. He once was "good" for over a year.

In the end, whenever there was a new stress, he'd fall back into it again. And in the end, while I had sympathy for him and loved him, I couldn't risk it again because there was DC involved.

I left for good. He was furious with me. But it couldn't go on, I couldn't gamble my DC on the basis of a hope and a prayer.

I've read some of your other threads
Don't do it

Yes people can change but the problem is that when you put them back into the same situation with the same person then old habits tend to come back. I think this is something addicts are told to avoid its not simply a case of people don't change.

I think that's very significant @Singletomingle. I think we're both aware that we don't want him coming back into to
the same situation. He's been very pro active with dd, where as he wasn't with Ds. Plus his job has changed and he's doing more for him, but healthy things for himself rather than just going out drinking.
It's difficult to explain but this feels like him again. He's been very supportive since dd arrived and not in a showy look how great I'm being way. He was seeing someone but he's ended it, not for me. But because he wants to focus on the children.

Dear OP,

Have you ever tried to change yourself? It's really difficult. I have chnged myself lots - but it has taken working on myself for 30 years, beginning with doing CBT for depression, and more recently changing from being co-dependent to being boundaried. It didn't take 6 months. It didn't happen easily.

I was massively motivated because in the first case I never wanted to feel suicidal again, and in the second case I never wanted to find myself in an abusive relationship again. In both cases I was massively motivated - and still it has taken time and I've slipped up.

My experience of controlling people (and I have a lot of experience of controlling people!) is that they talk the talk, but they do not really change. It's simply a ploy to get you back.

So yes, people can change. The chances of a controller changing though are minimal.

Oh, and as an example of how much they will appear to change - the abusive ex stopped drinking for months.

Then after we'd been back together a while, once he knew he had his feet under the table again, he started drinking again.

I haven't tried, but I've definitely changed since having my children.
I do get what you are saying though.

I think in my ex's case it depends if the controlling behaviour is him or because of his insecurities and other issues. He says it's the latter and he's working on those issues.
I know there's things I'd need to do differently too and I don't think I always helped, so definitely work for the both of us if we decide to try.

Both niceness and controlling behaviours are choices, not character traits.

I also know that I can cope without our him though @ChristmasFluff. So if he slipped back to his old ways I'd be quick to get rid of him and it would be for good.

Abusers don't change, they refine their tactics.

Pretending to be a reformed character to con their target into taking them back is tactic #1 to regain control of you.

Living in an abusive home regardless of physical violence inflicts lifelong damage on children. Don't inflict that on them when you have the chance to protect them instead.

At least do the Freedom Programme course before you give this any further thought. Learn about the tactics of abusers. Learn about the damage living with one causes children at every single stage of their development from the moment they are born.

I've done the freedom program @ohwheniknow. I'm a social worker so well aware of the how abuse can effect children.

He doesn't have a lot of characteristics abusers do though and a lot of his behaviour is the opposite. For instance always very supporting of my career, despite that meaning I'd find it much easier to leave him. Even now we're separated he's offered to pay for nursery as well as maintenance when I do go back to work. He's had very regular contact with ds since us separating and he's a really good dad, doesn't just do the Disney dad fun stuff, he does the everyday stuff too.

@Mrshue what sort of treatment programs or models do you use? And what sort off addictions? Do you work privately or is it a public service? I’m intrigued by your stats.