Broken tonight

[shadesofgrey24]

I posted a week ago after my DH flipped out after a heavy drinking session and swiped me in anger... advice on here was encouraging but I'm afraid after 23 years with "the love of my life" I begged him to seek help for the addictions and aggression. Which he is doing.
Week was going well until he just lost it over a heated bloody airer of all things! Suddenly we are back in the depths of despair - he's told me that my apathy about the design of our utility room is the final straw and he's just "switched off" ... I've been too over anxious, stressed and worrying over everything for 23 years and he cannot take it any more. He wants to move out.
He's asked me for a divorce in anger at least twice a year since we've been together. Stupidly I held it together for the kids - begged him not to leave me! Stupid doormat of a woman!! I'm angry with myself because I feel I'm to blame... A. For asking him not to leave me and B. For being "me" - as I'm very much a stressed person and a hopelessly insecure person.
I have a DS and DD - both pretty well grown up!
I'm in immeasurable pain right now.. reading other posts is encouraging - there are so many other mums out there going through the same which is so sad.
Any advice or words of wisdom as I'm broken.... again.

Didn't want to read and run. Sorry not sure I can offer advice but wanted to send hugs x

Week was going well until he just lost it over a heated bloody airer of all things! Suddenly we are back in the depths of despair - he's told me that my apathy about the design of our utility room is the final straw

I'm sorry op. He wants to keep drinking. That's literally all it is. It's not your fault- really it isnt. He was waiting for an excuse and was losing patience so now hes stropped over something totally nonsensical.

I'm sorry.
Please let him go. You will be so.much better off. I know that's cold comfort right now but it's the absolute truth.

I'm here to listen if you need it and so are many others on here. You arent alone. Xx

Let him go. Encourage it even.

Do not ask him to stay

YOU DESERVE BETTER

Your children will be so much happier in the long run without him in their lives.

Have you spoken to them about his drinking? Al-Anon is for families and loved ones of alcoholics and can be really helpful.

You weren’t holding it together for your children, that’s what you told yourself to stay. Instead of feeding your anxiety with this crappy man, hopefully this will be the catalyst to aim higher.

Grieve and seek out professional support to get through this tough time.

Didn't want to just read without commenting, things can feel worse at night/early hours. And you're not a "stupid doormat of a woman" nor are you responsible for his drinking or actions, but it's easier to blame yourself, I know it's hard. There's a book, that was recommended on here, called "why does he do that", when I feel weak I read the free extracts online. Please give it a look xx

Still awake. Stomach churning and heart racing. I want to be able to be free from him. I'm such a weak person but I used to be so strong. I survived a very violent abusive relationship before I met my DH with an 8 week old daughter 25 years ago.
I feel current Husband has worn me down, I feel everything that goes wrong is my fault, from stacking dishes wrongly to not having enough sex with him which can make him cross. I'm literally terrified he will somehow read this and the relationship will end because of me... it's always my fault! How do you get an injection of inner strength?

You start realising that you are actually worth more than this, that what you think and feel is worth it, that you have a right to be happy and relaxed. Then you wave him off!

I know in my heart I'm worth more... I want to wave him off!
These words tonight are making me cry tears of realisation.
Thank you

I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m having tough time in my marriage at the moment and husband thinks everything is always my fault. Not being better at disciplining our children, not having enough fun, not letting husband have enough fun, complaining etc etc. Makes me feel physically sick. Didn’t mean to hijack the thread but just to let you know you’re not alone. On some level I know I’m not at fault as I’m sure you know you’re not at fault either, but it it so hard to believe it! I grew up in an alcoholic family, and also have lots of insecurities. Can’t really offer any advice but I hear you and I understand.

OP, read up on codependency. Hugs to you. Please find some self love for yourself, something to give you peace and anchor you in this storm. You’re worth so much more than what this diseased person can offer you.

You'll be so relieved to be on your own! As a single mum and survivor of an abusive marriage, I consider divorcing my ex to be one of the best decisions I ever made. Even though it's cost me dearly, emotionally and financially, almost anything is better than being afraid of XP. Always worrying about keeping him calm, keeping him from losing his temper, tiptoeing around him... bah! Good riddance.

Divorce him op. You can't say you haven't tried but he's a sod.

Can you articulate what it is that makes you keep begging him to stay with you, what your fear of being alone is?

I think if you can break that down, and address it, maybe you can move forward.

Bluntness100
I've tried to understand my fear of being alone. I've done it before for 5 years as a single mum before I met current H. Maybe that's it, it was truly hell - I lost my home (evicted) because the X wouldn't pay the mortgage and lost my sanity (literally)!in the process! I did come out of it after 5 years feeling strong and independent!
Current DH has used this against me in arguments - citing my wanting to control the household bills, my reluctance to move in together in the early days, my overpowering controlling mother syndrome. These were all borne out of those years of trauma i went through! He makes me feel it's all been my fault. I bloody cling on despite his vileness but in my heart I'm yearning to be free, to breathe again to please myself first; to literally get MY life back again.
I've given up my career to help him build his so I do feel terrified at coping alone.

Of course then there are the nice bits when he's happy and adoring me, he's generous and kind and loving. That keeps me hanging on. But he told me last night he only feels like that 10% of the time so maybe it's all just a mind control. I don't know.

Hi, inner strength comes gradually, it builds on correct decisions made, lightening of spirits and living without intimidation, criticism and fear.

Do you really want to be sitting on your sofa in say, 2, 3 or however many years time thinking ‘why didn’t I have the courage to go’.

The decision to either ask him to leave or to leave yourself takes tremendous courage, but on the other hand how many more years do you want to fit your life around someone who threatens your happiness. Good luck,

Ordered "Why does he do that"... thanks for the recommend

Really sorry this is happening to you.
Can you get yourself some counselling by yourself? A chance to explore the situation on your own, and regenerate some self esteem and boundaries?

No experience of alcoholism but wear the t shirt of domestic abuse.

I'm seeing someone this morning.. we were supposed to be going together - I cancelled it at midnight but am going alone.

I was in what sounds like a v similar situation. You are not alone. The first post said he just wants to carry on drinking. And when you stand in the way of that, youre the bitch. Simple as that. I totally lost myself in my 15 years with my ex. I felt I had 3 children, my 2 DDs and the alcoholic manchild I was with. I was constantly stressed and on edge waiting for his next fuck up. So he turned it against me and blamed me for having a shitty, boring, stressed out personality. He lost jobs over his addiction and never took responsibility. I kept bailing him out. We spilt a year and a half ago, and i wont lie. It was brutal. He rubbed my nose in it by telling me about the new women he was with and how happy he was to be free of me. The boring cow in his life. I.e. the boring cow paying the bills and doing all the heavy lifting, whilst he just felt entitled to do fuck all for the family. I screwed up badly and my career suffered. But in the end, i woke up and realised his mindset had no room for me. We weren't a couple in the proper sense of the word. I was there for him only. And how dare I presume my needs mattered. I went NC on him and it was hard but worked. My counsellor reminded me that i was free. I stopped worrying or caring about what bullshit mess he was getting into. It was awful. But I have never regretted being free of it. And regaining my sense of self worth. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.