Don’t think my husband finds me attractive anymore

[Keeleypritchard1]

What it says in the title really, he hardly ever initiated sex anymore. We love each other and have been through a lot. But I’m only 29 and because of severe depression i admit I’ve let myself go but my dh has too I noticed he’s stopped going to the gym when for years he went nearly every day. I think we’ve got too comfortable. I asked him yesterday if he thought i was fat and if he liked my body, he got very defensive and said no but he’d love me if I was 39 stone. Not the answer I was hoping for tbh. I think that proves to me he doesn’t see me as sexy or like my body anymore. It’s really hurt me and my confidence.

How about both of you going to the gym together? Throw down a gauntlet

I kind of want him to just be honest about it. I asked him again this afternoon and said if he’s not attracted to me anymore because I have put on weight then to just be honest, he got in a mood and said stop going on about it your not fat.
But the comment he made didn’t help and he also never gives me any compliments. I just feel so shit rn

asked him again this afternoon and said if he’s not attracted to me anymore because I have put on weight then to just be honest, he got in a mood and said stop going on about it your not fat.

There was a post this week from a wife saying her husband had said she had put on weight and it was making him unhappy. He was utterly pulled apart on here.

Would you rather your DH said this?

Sounds like you're putting him in a pretty difficult situation tbf - maybe he genuinely thinks it? Or maybe you're right and he just doesnt want to upset you - what are you getting out of either of those outcomes?

Maybe some self-care would help you feel better and not rely on other people for self-worth?

I feel for you. I feel the same. Just had a baby, sagging tits and a belly full of bright red stretch marks. Not had sex since like the start of June. I ask the same question and he says yes but I know he doesn’t so at least your dp is telling you the truth and not trying to satisfy you with a lie.

Maybe try gain some confidence back and work out? You can do them joe wicks YouTube videos and it’s like 15/20 mins to do in your front room? Get some weight for squats and maybe an exercise ball to do some sit up and tone your tummy? These are things I keep saying I will get round to doing but not yet done.

Chin up lovely lady, why don’t you book in for some treatments doing like a facial or your hair doing (if that’s your kind of thing) to make yourself feel nicer?

He can’t really win here. Don’t ask him questions that he won’t be able to answer without annoying and/or offending you.
See if you can start to make some positive changes in your diet/routine, then hopefully he will have something to compliment you on, but more importantly you will start to feel better in yourself.

Do you say nice things to him?

Why don’t you initiate sex?

I feel for both of you here, but this is about you and your feelings about your own body, not his feelings about it. You need to work on loving yourself again. And Don’t ask questions if you are not willing to hear the answer.

It happens, after 10 years of putting up with this I now have an amazing new partner who seems to think saggy bellies and stretch marks are war wounds to be proud of rather than requiring surgery! He also can't get enough of me

I think you should concentrate on how you feel about yourself not how your dh sees you right now. I don't think you really want to hear what you think of yourself? I've been in your shoes, I'm now single so don't have the worry of what someone else thinks, but you need to be kind to yourself. Get your hair done, put a bit of make up on, make sure you wear clothes that make you feel good. Do it for you. Maybe start going to the gym, you might enjoy it and it could make you feel better. Depression is hideous I know 😔

It may well have nothing to do with your weight. I know lots of women who have decided that and lost the weight, got makeovers and even cosmetic surgery to no avail. The relationship had other issues. Often after many years and kids the relationship was more of brother and sister and one partner didn't see the other in a sexual way anymore. All the chat even on night's out was about the children and home so it was hard to reconnect on that flirty level again, sometimes people I know resolved that by taking up a hobby together (cycling, hiking) or going out as a couple amongst others where they saw their partner through others eyes in a different setting. Sometimes there was an emotional or physical affair at work causing the disenchantment.

maybe you need a talk together about how to bring back the spark in your relationship

i think you're making him responsible for your feelings. A bit? He's trying to be kind. He's trying to be tactful. HE said he'd love you at 39 stone. But you want him to be honest? What then?

How can you say you want him to be honest when you got really offended and upset with him saying he’d love you even at 39 stone?

I’m sorry OP but only you are responsible for how you view yourself. If you aren’t happy with the weigh gain go to the gym! Eat healthier! Do it for your health rather than sitting around wondering whether he finds you attractive or not. If he says yes you don’t believe him if he said no you’d get upset and call him shallow

Why don’t you do something about the weight because clearly you aren’t happy

You're being really unfair to him here.

He can’t win! You say yourself that you’ve let yourself go, so why do you need him to agree? Go about making you feel better. Start exercising, get your hair done, buy some clothes, whatever makes you feel better. He obviously loves you and doesn’t want to hurt you.

But he was honest. He told you no last night. Why ask him again today? How many times do you need to hear It?