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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to broach this wth a friend?

32 replies

Countryescape · 20/12/2019 15:21

Hi. I have a friend , let’s call her Kate. Kate has form for organising to catch up and then pulling out at the last minute. She has no social anxiety and as much as I love her, she can be very selfish too.
On Thursday she invited me out to her place, then cancelled on me as I was driving there because “ she was running late and wanted to do some grocery shopping “. So then she suggests Saturday, okay all good. Then texts that night and says she’s got more Christmas stuff to do, shall we leave it until next week. I sent a fairly direct text and she then backtracked and tried to say she was worried I was too busy! It did annoy me, I’m busy too but chose to prioritise her. How do I tell her nicely that’s it’s bloody annoying. She does this all the time!! I almost feel like pulling out of the catch up tomorrow.

OP posts:

FriedasCarLoad · 20/12/2019 15:24

Can you have a proper chat with her and explain the effect this is having on you? Maybe she simply doesn't think about the inconvenience and irritation that ensue!

YahooGmail · 20/12/2019 15:27

Well you've a few options.

Pull out on her at last minute so she can see how it feels. Immediate gratification but probably not the most mature or long-term solution (she mightn't even notice/care)
Meet up with her tomorrow (if she doesn't cancel), and after your initial greetings/catch-up say "actually there's something I wanted to talk to you about" to give it a bit of gravity. Then just tell her now it makes you feel every time she cancels at last minute. They say if you phrase a discussion on terms of how you feel, rather than as a attach on the other person, it can have a better impact

Original poster

Countryescape · 20/12/2019 15:29

@Friedas yes I think I’ll have to say something tomorrow. I just want to do it in a nice way so she doesn’t get defensive. Like it annoys me she sees het time as more valuable than mine, I’m busy too and would have made other plans. I said no to another friend yesterday because we were catching up. Saying that but nicely!

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Original poster

Countryescape · 20/12/2019 15:34

Thanks @YahooGmail . I’ll try to phrase it in terms of how I feel, not what she’s doing/isnot doing. I do feel I do more running around with the friendship than she does. Like she’s said yes to tomorrow but that she’ll me know a time. She hasn’t! So now I have to text her and ask. Why doesn’t she get I have other shit to do?!!

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Nifflernancy · 20/12/2019 15:37

why are you so keen to be so nice and not offend her in case she gets defensive? She DOES think her time is more valuable than yours! Don't let her treat you like a doormat - tell her more bluntly how it makes you feel and you don't want to keep making plans for her to cancel literally at the last minute

justilou1 · 20/12/2019 15:38

I have a friend like this. I have actually asked her why she thinks that her time is more valuable than mine. She denied that she believed this, so I gave examples of the last four times I had agreed to meet her. (Texts to back it up, with timings of when she’s backed out.) I said that she was always complaining about other people’s behaviour but felt that holding herself accountable to the same standards that she demands was obviously far too much to expect, and that until she learned to at least respect me and my time, I was going to respect myself by not arranging to meet her.

Original poster

Countryescape · 20/12/2019 15:40

@Nifflernancy true, maybe I should just bite the bullet. Probably am being a bit of a doormat.

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Aquamarine1029 · 20/12/2019 15:40

Sorry to be the one to break the bad news, but Kate is no friend of yours. A true friend would never treat you this way.

Original poster

Countryescape · 20/12/2019 15:41

@justilou1 yes that’s exactly how I feel really.

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Justmuddlingalong · 20/12/2019 15:42

She's a priority for you. You're an option for her. Be less available.

Original poster

Countryescape · 20/12/2019 15:43

@Aquamarine1029 I do hear you. It’s tricky because she’s part of a wider friend group and it’s obviously not ideal if we are no longer friends as it would be awkward.

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Oliversmumsarmy · 20/12/2019 15:43

I have had this to the point that I was sat waiting for friend at the meet point. When she cancelled and was in my way to meet up the second time

Each time it was at her insistence that we meet up.

Didn’t return her calls after that as I hadn’t the time to waste.

Original poster

Countryescape · 20/12/2019 15:44

@Justmuddlingalong maybe I’ll ring and speak to her tomorrow and just air it all. I really don’t feel like going anymore anyway as I’m hardly a priority am I!

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Original poster

Countryescape · 20/12/2019 15:46

I do feel like she knows I’m annoyed. She sent me loads to texts last night. Very unlike her.

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Original poster

Countryescape · 20/12/2019 15:47

@Oliversmumsarmy that’s awful. Are you friends now?

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beautifulstranger101 · 20/12/2019 15:49

Having social anxiety is a reason but its not an excuse. Its beyond rude to continue messing people around like this- plus, has it ever occurred to her that it causes YOU great anxiety to have to change your plans at the very last minute when you've specifically made space in your diary for her? I agree with @yahoogmail I would speak to her seriously and tell her you cannot go on like this, its not fair and its causing you real issues because you are putting off other plans to accommodate her.

If she listens and changes then great! If she agrees and nothing changes then I would simply stop making plans with her and I'd do the slow fade. We all have busy lives and personally, I dont have the time to be messed about constantly like that. My time is precious and I dont have the emotional energy to continue making plans that I know deep down will never materialise.

Cobblersandhogwash · 20/12/2019 15:50

I just wouldn't bother with this person anymore. She's not good to you. She bins you whenever she feels like it.

You don't have to fall out over it. Just don't make arrangements with her anymore.

If she asks why, just be polite and say you are busy/tired of being dumped/.

There doesn't need to be any drama. But I would focus on friends who value you and your time.

Original poster

Countryescape · 20/12/2019 15:55

@beautifulstranger101 and @Cobblersandhogwash I know you are both right. If im being honest with myself I know she doesn’t treat me well. I’ve been letting this drag I for ages because she’s part of our wider friend group and because our kids are friends, we have a holiday house in the same location etc, so it seemed easier but I’ve had enough.

OP posts:

supersop60 · 20/12/2019 16:08

Text - Hi Kate. I'm assuming that, since you haven't contacted me, we are not meeting tomorrow. Have a lovely Christmas, see you soon x
Or similar. She needs to know that you aren't waiting around for her.

FruitcakeOfHate · 20/12/2019 16:19

What super wrote. Then just don't meet up with her anymore or agree to it. She's not a friend.

Drum2018 · 20/12/2019 16:24

You can always meet with the wider group without having to ever meet up with her alone. I wouldn't make any more effort with her. If it suits tomorrow and she doesn't cry off then meet her. But from then on I'd just say I'm busy. You'll still see her at the group meet ups.

Original poster

Countryescape · 20/12/2019 16:29

@drum2018 that’s true. I think I’ll meet her (if she doesn’t cancel!) explain how I’ve been feeling without being unpleasant, then leave it to her to organise catch ups from then on. I doubt I’ll see her outside of group things. Oh well, I think it’s probably for the best.

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whonoes · 20/12/2019 18:13

Just don’t organise anything just with her. She considers you an option not a priority.

Lozzerbmc · 20/12/2019 19:25

I dont think she’s much of a friend... i have a ‘friend’ like this. I’d always arrange things she’d cancel at last minute because she was too busy despite working less hours than me and having no DCs at home any more, whilst I was juggling school pickups & work! I dont make arrangements now so I dont see her but focus on friends who do want to see me!

ChristmasFluff · 20/12/2019 19:26

Why are you worrying about 'being nice?' She';s not worrying about being a flakey arse who wastes your time. If this were one of my friends I'd say, 'look, it's really pissing me off that you are so flakey.' And go from there.

Or you could go with, 'when you act flakey and cancel for eff-all reason I feel pissed off.' If you really want to stick with the therapy-talk model

But goodness sake, a bit of honesty wouldn't go amiss here because people like 'Kate' treat other people as poorly as those other people allow themselves to be treated. Don't allow it.

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