Conflict at Xmas - help

[venezia222]

Will try and be brief. My parents to are difficult, mother especially. We don’t see them often as they live 150 mls away but they are coming to us for Xmas. My mother is probably a narcissist tbh but she is passive aggressive and also insecure. Bad mix. Dad is easy going but will side with her no matter what.

Husband doesn’t like them. Mum has been rude to him in the past I accept. He doesn’t feel he should put up with her bullshit in his own house. However while I accept he has some legit complaints he is over sensitive about many things and a bit paranoid.

This is, as you can see quite a toxic mix. Despite the problems, they are still my parents and I want to maintain a relationship with them. I just want husband to ‘suck it up’ for a couple of days over Xmas. He thinks my mum deliberately ‘goes’ for him but I do t think she does. He’s over sensitive but based on past experience.

In the past when he has challenged her she became very offended and stormed out, caused ructions for months.

I am dreading Xmas. I am caught in the middle. I know people will say why bother but my Dad is not best health and I want to spe d Xmas with him and for them to see the grandchildren and vice versa.

Husband has no solution to this and nor do I. Is it unreasonable just to ask him to put up with her for a couple of days? Based on the idea he seldom sees them anyway and it’s Xmas?

The alternative is...well there isn’t one? No good asking my mum to behave. She doesn’t see any problems, won’t take responsibility etc. and the trouble is, the situation is so bad that husband sees slights even when I think she didn’t mean them.

What a mess.

You stay on parents duty, DH cooks and is allowed to disappear off for 'urgent errands' whenever he needs to. Keep toxic mother busy with kids / newspaper / jigsaw / television / whatever works. Tell DH it's his choice of company for Christmas next year.

Thanks. That was pretty much the plan. His anxiety about it has turned it into a row today. Once the dust settles I will suggest this.

Brace yourself. Keep everyone as busy as possible rather than watching tv, keep the alcohol levels low offer plenty of soft drinks. If Mum is rude gently deflect her or change the subject. As husband to countt to ten for 2 days. get the vchildren to entertain the grandparents. Its not easy but when they have died you will be so glad you made the effort. Dont think of it as Christmas, more a weekend hosting. No pressure to be jolly, just tolerant and kind, then pat on the back, good luck

Thanks.

Think about if you posted this in reverse - that it was your MIL being a shit to you. Would people be telling you to suck it up, or would they be suggesting you get your dh to speak to her?

Any other family members you can invite to dilute the toxicity? Christmas with my grandmother was a bit like this, she liked to be the centre of attention and was ridiculously jealous of the children. I agree with offering lots of cups of tea, coffee and soft drinks and keeping booze to a minimum. You can do this.

If your mother is rude why can't you pull her up on it? Why does your husband have to be the one to count to 10?

Thanks. Yes I get that she should be pulled up on stuff and she is to a point.

Ugh it’s an awful situation but I appreciate the ideas and will hope for,the best!

You should not be expecting your husband to put up with this in his own home

To you call your mother out on it when she's rude to him? What kind of things does she say to him?

Your husband shouldn't be make to feel this way in his own home I think your being really unkind to him and putting your own feelings above his how would you feel if the situation was reserved. If I was your hubby I would leave you and them to it and go away for Christmas

I wonder whether you are so used to your Mother you are not seeing her for who she truly is. You describe her as a narcissist and yet invite her to your home prioritising her over your own husband.

Indeed if this was a reverse and it was you complaining about your MIL's treatment of you that your Dh brushes off you would be told on here that you had a Dh problem. In this case it would seem you are the problem.

This line is very telling

In the past when he has challenged her she became very offended and stormed out, caused ructions for months

Do you think you are in the FOG? Fear, obligation, guilt trap? Have a read of this and see if it applies to you

outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

If your dh doesn't want them staying in your home then you should respect that. You could have organised a hotel for them for the couple of days. If your mother cannot respect your Dh then she should understand why she cannot stay in your home. They could come for dinner and then go back to the hotel in the evening.

Your husband shouldn't have to 'suck it up', it's his Christmas too. If I found myself in your DH shoes I'd be uninviting her. No one deserves to be treated like that in their own home.

Sucking it up is your solution to your PIA mother, that doesn’t mean it has to be your H’s too. You don’t sound particularly empathetic to your H, it’s all about him meeting your needs by ‘sucking it up’. ‘Its’s family’ is not a good enough reason for him to accept poor treatment and It isn’t your H’s fault that his wife and FIL have chosen the path of least resistance by placating and tiptoeing around his MIl.

He’s probably not being over sensitive, it’s just that you’re insensitive to his needs because you’re too wrapped up in placating your parents and prioritising your own ‘don’t rock the boat’, agenda.

You labelling your H as over sensitive, dismissing the impact that your mother’s behaviour has on his MH, whilst complaining about how much stress this situation is causing you, is jaw dropping in its emotional deafness.

I think some of the above comments are a bit harsh. For a couple of days to keep the peace I reckon you can put up with a lot. It’s not as if they are proposing to move in, just staying in your home for a short while. Yes you can get all umpty ‘it’s my home’ yada yada yada, but that way nobody wins, be the better person, put up with yr Mum and all her foibles, placate your husband, if he loves you he’ll pull his head in for a little bit, just be prepared for him to have a rant as you wave them off home! You might have a rant together = solidarity!!

Those of you who think I am not taking husbands feelings into account. Parents ARE staying in a hotel. He seldom sees them so I don’t put him in this situation regularly. I feel he could go with it for one day a year. Despite our problems, she is still my mum. I want to spend Xmas with my Dad as he is in poor health and my kids like their grandparents.

What would you have me do? If she’s deliberately mean....of course I would say something but lots of things she says are open to interpretation and I do think DH is over sensitive. He is with most people tbh.

It’s hard to explain. She isn’t outright rude. Bit bossy. Inappropriately nosey. She doesn’t say much controversial now but DH is super attuned to it so even something ambiguous can be seen as a problem.

Could you go out for xmas dinner and then all watch a film together at home or something? Just wondering if she would be more likely to behave in public? Otherwise is your husband in a profession where he could feasibly be working and go off and see his family? Or could he go and do some stuff for charity that day eg serving food to the homeless or something - no one could complain they havent seen him if he is off doing that.

I agree with PP it's a bit harsh you think he should suck up being insulted in his own home

Op you probably aren’t the best judge when it comes your mother because you have an incentive to minimise.

I’m with you, your parents aren’t intending to stay with you, your husband, for a few hours to keep the peace could be polite for yours and the children’s sake. Your children sound as if they’ll love seeing their Grandparents, I think you’ll be a bit on edge, but hey it’s just for a little while. I hope you do enjoy this time with your parents, they’re getting older you might regret it if you don’t spend these special days together.

These are your opening remarks OP, ‘ My mother is probably a narcissist tbh but she is passive aggressive and also insecure. Bad mix.’

This doesn’t sound like someone whose behaviour is unintentional.

thanks everyone for the input. Me and DH have had a further discussion and now have a strategy.

When FIL used to be particularly vile, dh and I would make a bingo card up ahead of time and see who could tick off most of each of our items - 'straight out of Daily Mail' 'complain about dhs job'and so on. It really took the sting out of his comments and meant we didn't rise to it.