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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bf gone back to abusive relationship

25 replies

deffonamechange · 20/12/2019 14:11

My bf has a history of picking emotionally abusive men. It's horrible constantly seeing her in relationships with men who belittle her and destroy her confidence.
Earlier this week she finally managed to leave abusive relationship, acknowledge that it was abusive (which is HUGE) and I've been supporting her all week telling her how brave it is..how she is worth more..that she has to stay strong. We've talked deeply about why she ends up in these relationships and she been lovely thanking me and saying I have shown her there is another way of living and love doesny need to be like this.
I absolutely hate her boyfriend and he absolutely hates me (said its cos I put ideas in her head).

I have been so proud of her this week and it's also been emotionally exhausting for me doing constant moral and support.
(Not just this week but for years).

She hasnt messaged for last 2 days and I'm 99.9% sure its cos they back together. Either she cant bring herself to tell me or he has stopped her contacting me. He is v controlling.

I'm so sad and mad. I feel like saying to her 'well you lost me now if you just keep picking him' but at same time I've been in abusive relationship myself and the more of my friends who gave up on me the more I felt I had to stay in relationship.

Not really sure what I am asking but has anyone else been in this situation? It's horrible standing by and watching her be destroyed.
(I am absolutely NOT worried for her physical safety. The abuse is all control and emotional)

OP posts:

Aknifewith16blades · 20/12/2019 16:51

I found this link really helpful when helping someone I'm close to who is in an abusive relationship:

twsh.org/community-education/stages-of-leaving-a-dv-relationship/

Sadly, it's really common for women to go back. She may well need to go back to get the resolution to finally leave. But it's ok to draw your own boundries around what support you can give her, especially if you've been in an abusive relationship yourself.

I'd give her some space, and take time and space for yourself. Have you done some talk therapy to process your own relationship? It might help.

Aknifewith16blades · 20/12/2019 16:54

You might also get more replies if you ask to get this moved to 'Relationships'.

Original poster

deffonamechange · 22/12/2019 19:17

Has anyone experienced this? A friend in an abusive relationship? Do I leave her to it to protect my own feelings or stick with her? I feel like sticking with her is condoning her decision but also know how lonely it is when you in a bad relationship

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 22/12/2019 19:37

Only you can manage this, don't enable either of them, have firm boundaries and protect yourself. You can be there for her if she needs help leaving, or if she leaves, depending on your resources and how safe you are.
If she is the type of person to run to him and tell him everything you said, then for your own safety you can go NC with her.

CrazyMum40 · 22/12/2019 19:38

Yeah an old mate of mine is like your best mate, it was exhausting always saying the same thing over and over again, she'd tell me everytime she broke up with a bloke how badly he treated her but then she'd go back again and again, she would get into different relationships with different men thinking they're be different, but the outcome would be the same

There's nothing you can say or do to change her mind as I've also been the girl to go back to abusive or controlling men and the heart wants what the heart wants

If you try and force her not to go back you'll push her away

BoxtheRight · 22/12/2019 19:39

Stick with her, always. She's being abused. It isn't her doing anything wrong.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 22/12/2019 20:19

I'd leave things for now, and if she gets in touch to talk about his abuse again, ask her to look at The Freedom Programme online and also tell her you'll be there for her if she leaves him, but you cannot continue to be her emotional crutch to the detriment of your own mental health.

She may well be relaying to him everything you say to her, so be wary of becoming the focus of his anger if she does finally leave.

SurfingGiantess · 22/12/2019 21:11

I would let her know you're there for her and there's always a bed for her in your house if she ever needs it.
It's all you can do. Don't make her feel bad for going back just make sure she knows she can come to you if she needs to.
I know it's frustrating but it is very very hard to leave an emotional abusive relationship.
You could suggest counselling for her to deal with things. This might show her in time that her relationship is toxic.
She needs to learn to stand up for herself and become her own strong person. Eventually she will. But if you leave her to it she won't be reminded what normal is.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 22/12/2019 21:27

I’d take a step back for your own sanity to be honest . You sound drained by it , and it’s not really fair

You have been a fab friend , and can still be her friend but take a break and focus energy on something that gives a bit back for you

Original poster

deffonamechange · 23/12/2019 18:00

Thanks everyone. She has blocked me on everything which hurts so much but nothing more I can do.

OP posts:

SurfingGiantess · 23/12/2019 18:53

That's sad for her. He obviously controls her and she hasn't yet grown a spine. She will though.
You've done your best.

redcarbluecar · 23/12/2019 19:15

Sorry to hear this. I have a couple of friends in abusive relationships, and sometimes wish there was more I could do, but there isn't. You've been a good friend to her.

ChocoholicsAsylum · 23/12/2019 19:25

Hi @deffonamechange

One of my bestest friends was in a relationship just like this and I was basically you and one day I snapped with her. It was because Id put up with so much shit to do with him and her knowing what he was about just always putting her down/banning her from talking to me etc and worse thing was he was in his 50s and her in her 20s! She KNEW she could do better and yet would always go running back. One day I told her straight - she was going to end up in a body bag and I was no longer going to feel frustrated and hurt. She eventually saw sense and got in touch months later. Sometimes you just need to leave them to it, honestly. Harsh and hard as it sounds but her treatment of you isnt ok either. Find another friend and have fun x

Grumpelstilskin · 23/12/2019 23:11

I had an abusive ex but never really shared this with anyone because I was embarrassed that an intelligent, educated and otherwise successful woman like myself could end up in this situation. Worse, my ex was super charming and popular with a lot of people. But those were all acquaintances and he did not really retain long-term friendships and his own family knew what he was like. I managed to get away and then tried to be supportive of others with abusive partners. However, I have come across a couple of women who were addicted to the drama of it. Unlike me, they did not live together, they had no children together etc. They had split up, the dust had settled and then the woman would actually reinitiate contact and get back together, then within a short time, would come crying to me and go and on about how horrible that partner was. I walked away because I did not have indefinite emotional energy resources. There is little you can do right now. It depends on your friendship if you want to give her another chance if and when she gets away from that person. But I would weigh up how draining it is for you. While I sympathise with anyone who has an abusive partner, it isn't a carte blanche to be a cunt to others.

lilmishap · 23/12/2019 23:19

She hasnt messaged for last 2 days and I'm 99.9% sure its cos they back together. Either she cant bring herself to tell me or he has stopped her contacting me. He is v controlling.

Really? controlling as in fucking her off if she doesnt text in a 72 hour period?

Have you come on too strong with what a dick she was for putting up with it?
You may have made him seem like the safer option if you've been too full on with 'someone else will treat you better', back off and leave it for a bit.

People are allowed to make crap choices

Calmingvibrations · 23/12/2019 23:27

@lilmishap ... and block their close friend on all social media? Different friendships have different contact patterns at different times. If I had a friend who’d been in contact multiple times a day to discuss heartbreak and then suddenly didn’t, I’d be wondering the same thing.
That isn’t the same thing as thinking they should contact me more frequently

75Renarde · 24/12/2019 08:09

So two things, OP. You are experiencing emotional pain because she has blocked you. Rejection.

Second thing is that she is in an emotionally abusive relationship. Let me be clear, SHE IS IN DANGER OF PHYSICAL HARM. it will probably come at her own hand.

She may have blocked you but ill bet you any money its not a full NC. Put out onto social media a post which is something to the effect of, 'You will always love and forgive your friends'. Nothing heavy.

Do not block her on anything. She is a woman in a great and desperate need. How do you know that she hasn't been forced into this position?

That's right, you dont.

You OP deserve a gold star for your care, your kindness and your compassion. This entanglement WILL end and she will need you now more than ever.

Try to put this to one side for xmas. Enjoy yourself, maintain your boundaries and just be there.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/12/2019 09:49

Yes, with my sister.
We all knew what was happening and it was physical too.
But we stuck by her.
Didn't allow him to isolate her.
She was my best friend so that was never going to happen on my watch.
We put up with him to ensure she had support etc...
Made sure she knew we were all there for her when she was ready.
And she was eventually. Myself and DH (at the time now ExH) went and got her out.
She stayed with us for a while until she was back on her feet.
Luckily my ExH was a big bloke and my sister's ex was just a fucking bully so we made sure he knew if he came near her again he would suffer far more than she ever had.

I think you just need to let her know that you realise she has probably gone back to him. But... you will always be there for her when ever she wants to talk or rant or run away.
Just be there. That's the best you can do!

hellsbellsmelons · 24/12/2019 09:50

Oh no - just seen she has blocked you.
Not much you can do then.
If you can get a message to her somehow, just let her know you aren't judging her and you will always be there for her.

Jiggles101 · 24/12/2019 10:05

It's understandable to feel frustrated when you have put so much time and energy into helping her, which you didn't have to do.

But you need to be aware of the drama triangle of Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor. If you take the role of Rescuer with her as Victim and her ex as Persecutor, you get embroiled in this unhealthy triangulation which inevitably leads to a switch of roles.

Now he is Rescuer and you are Persecutor - you've been making her doubt him, making her feel confused and upset. Or she is now Persecutor, she has blocked you, cut you out and upset you, you are the Victim.

IDVAs are taught about distancing themselves and staying out of the drama triangle, retaining a professional detachment. Friends and family could also do with taking this on board, difficult I know.

thenightsky · 24/12/2019 10:21

I'm in a similar situation, but with a friend who has been trying to leave her 44 year old marriage for the last 10 years. Her and her (d)H are both 64 years old. She came to stay with me in the summer, staying until Sept. We found her a rental where he couldn't find her. We sorted out a lovely solicitor, women's aid worker etc.

Two weeks ago was the last time I heard from her. She rang me to say 'don't go mad, but I'm living in (marital home address) but its okay and I know what I'm doing and he's been fine with me'.

I despair, but I suppose I'll still be here when he turns nasty again. Its all we can do if we call ourselves real friends.

chickensaresafehere · 24/12/2019 10:43

Similar situation.EA,repeated cheating,best friend finally split from him. I supported her through it but she went back to him & I said I'd have to take a step back from it all. She took this the wrong way & dropped contact,so (wrongly) I did too. A year on I've got back in contact(they split up a few months ago) & she's angry with me for deserting her & not supporting her. We are attempting a reconciliation but I'm wary.

yellowallpaper · 24/12/2019 11:21

I once had a friend like this. In fact she had many friends like me who all advised her to get out of an abusive marriage. It was a long running soap opera and she would always go back, then come to friends for support re his abuse. In the end she just lost friends as we think she just loved the drama more than her self respect and safety.

I would just stop back and leave her to it. If possible let her know you will support her when she leaves but don't want the emotional mess rubbing off on you.

yellowallpaper · 24/12/2019 11:23

Not saying your friend is a drama queen, she could be too much under his control, but the advice is the same

User1483098432 · 24/12/2019 22:23

Someone close to me was in an abusive relationship for around 12 years. She would often leave and stay in my home with me, only to go back to him a few days later. It's heartbreaking and frustrating all at once. But she turned up on my door step one morning at 6am and never went back to him again. It was like someone flipped a switch and her life is so much better now. She is lucky to have you as her friend but only you can decide whether supporting her going forward is something you feel able to do.

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