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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Doubts in our relationship

13 replies

Lcjams · 20/12/2019 09:05

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 14 months and everything was so perfect. Recently i find out he has been bad mouthing me and telling his friends private details of our relationship and arguments. We argued last week so badly he chucked all my stuff in bin liners and tried to throw me out telling me enough was enough. This really hurt me and i even though we have since made up and he has promised not to do it again i cant shake the belitting, degrading feeling that it made me feel. I cant get the incident out of my head.

To make it worse i told him i didnt want anyone to know and he has then text his friend all about it. I asked him if he had spoken to her about it and he said no but i saw the texts as evidence. He has flat out lied to my face and i gave him enough chances to own up to this. He has also told his friend i am 'up myself' and too highly strung.
Only problem is i found this out by snooping on his phone so now i am in the wrong too!

Any advice on what i should do or say to him? I dont want to lose the trust in our relationship, i want to stay together but right now i cant feel as happy as i once was. Thanks

OP posts:

pigdogridesagain · 20/12/2019 09:13

From personal experience I would say leave him. If he's bitching about you behind your back he's never going to stop doing that. Both my ex husband and ex partner did this and both were narcissistic horrible men. Leave before it gets worse.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/12/2019 09:18

Why do you want to stay with someone like this, a person who has abused your trust this badly?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Is your relationship bar and self esteem/worth here really that low that he is still worth any more of your time?. A man who I would add also put your stuff into bin bags and tried to throw you out of the flat. He also sounds very young here as do you and he is certainly not mature enough to have a relationship.

If there is no trust there is no relationship.

Words are cheap OP, look at his actions. You had further suspicions re him that things were not right anyway so you looked at his phone.

I would now text him today to say that this is no longer working for you and its over. He has shown you by word and deed who he really is here; it would pay you dividends to listen. Do not get further bogged down by sunk costs; that just causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

LouisaJenny · 20/12/2019 09:26

Absolutely leave him. Your partner should make you feel loved, not the way he’s making you feel.

I’d feel so upset if a partner did this to me.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/12/2019 09:47

Why do you want to stay together?
He sounds horrible.
He can discuss what ever he wants with his friends.
As women, we do it all the time.
What do you mean by 'bad mouthing' you?
What has he said?
Honestly!?..... Life is too fucking short!
Dump and run.

Original poster

Lcjams · 20/12/2019 09:59

Thanks for all your advise.
I know we all talk about relationahips to friends but he tells them hes walking on egg shells with me and i wish he would rather just say it to my face and we can discuss it.
Bad mouthing as in always paints me in a negative light, tells them how much he is compromising things but acknowledging that i am compromising too, says im up my self, highly strung and a posh snob who is uptight.

He does do sone lovely things too though, like planning surprise trips away and like i said up until about 6 weeks ago things were perfect. Stuck between head and heart i guess, and we are in our late 20s for those asking.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 20/12/2019 10:05

says im up my self, highly strung and a posh snob who is uptight
THIS ^^^^ is what he actually thinks of you.
If he didn't - he wouldn't say it.
You know what to do OP.
Find yourself someone who appreciates everything about you!

Mumdiva99 · 20/12/2019 10:08

Walk away. Keep your dignity in tact. It sounds like the end of the road for you two. Nothing wrong with that - you are both young. Leave on your terms. It's not easy, but you can do it.

Glitterb · 20/12/2019 10:13

It doesn’t sound like you like each other all that much OP tbh, so maybe the writing is on the wall?

billy1966 · 20/12/2019 10:19

He doesn't really like you.
He's speaking badly about you.
He's not loyal.
He sounds very two faced and immature.

This isn't going to end well.

Gather up some dignity and remove yourself from the situation.

I cannot even begin to imagine how humiliating it must have been for him to be gathering up your things into bin bags.

Humiliating!

I think you should finish things and work on your boundaries.

Good luck.💐

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/12/2019 10:58

"He does do sone lovely things too though, like planning surprise trips away and like i said up until about 6 weeks ago things were perfect. Stuck between head and heart i guess, and we are in our late 20s for those asking".

The bad he has done to you here far outweighs any and all good. Your heart does not make the decisions here; your head does. Is your head in a good place re him, no. He will continue to mess with your head and lower your self esteem even further so long as you let him. Your boundaries in relationships are too low and he does not have your interests at heart here at all. If anyone's walking on eggshells here its you rather than he.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/12/2019 11:00

And why do you want to stay with him anyway?. Cos you loooovvve him?. No, love is not like this and relationships should not be such hard work honestly. He is disrespecting you and is a two faced user who really does think of you as being highly strung and up herself. You still want to stay with him?.

yellowallpaper · 20/12/2019 11:33

There are always 2 sides to a story so maybe he does find you hard work because you are hard work? Totally wrong of course to bitch about you to his friends rather than talk to you, but are you open to criticism?

I think you both need to reassess this relationship as it's doesn't sound healthy for either of you.

Kayleigh12 · 20/12/2019 11:41

I’m sorry but the advice on here is coming across slightly biased. If it was a woman having a moan to her friends about her partner that would be fine to everyone.
He shouldn’t be saying things to them that he hasn’t already discussed with you, no. But if he truly feels like he’s walking on eggshells maybe that’s why he can’t talk to you about your problems because he is worried about the reaction.
You found out he had told his friend by snooping on his phone. You shouldn’t be snooping through his phone. I have never looked at my partners phone in 4 years and If I ever felt the need to I would realise my relationship is doomed.
You don’t sound right for each other. But if you do want it so work you have to let go of the argument and have a serious chat about it all.

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